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Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

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Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#31

Post by brianbarker »

brianbarker wrote: post #30

First, I wouldn't get relationship advice from HN, or any pool of nerds. There's a reason our relationships suffer or are few and far between: nerd personalities will spend more time coding at work, trying to build a side project, watch TV or play games than being a healthy, balanced human being. I work 40 hours a week. If I have work shit poking into my life beyond that on a regular basis, it's time to talk to my ma…

I would also add that perhaps it's time to reconsider your goals. If you're working a ton, or on a startup or side project or whatever, maybe that's not going to give you what you want and maybe it's time to let go. It's hard, but you can do it.

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#32

Post by judk »

ak39 wrote: post #13

SCHEDULE. 1. Schedule most times spent with spouse. For everything . I really mean everything. Dinner date? Schedule it in advance. Going house-hunting? Schedule the visits. Movies? Schedule the evening way in advance. Visiting folks? Agree on a set date. 2. Stick to the schedules like a mofo. Integrity integrity integrity. Promises broken because schedules could not be kept are more likely the reason for an unhappy…

#5 is wrong wrong wrong. You never win an emotional dispute by throwing facts at someone.

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#33

Post by ak39 »

DanBC wrote: post #26
ak39 wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Scheduling time with spouse (and for kids) is the only honest and practical way of dealing with the question/challenge of "balancing" work life and family life. It's about setting boundaries. And respectful boundaries are always healthy for all in the relationship. And by "balance" I don't mean equal - I mean having both.

Your post made me angry. I just deleted the post I had written. Here's the replacement. Not seeing your children unless you have scheduled time to do so is bizarre. Some people would suggest it's borderline mildly abusive. Children must come before work. It's really fucking simple. This principle is enshrined in the internationally agreed (although I know the US never ratifies these things) human rights for the child…

I don't understand your anger.

The OP was asking what to do when these are a given:

1. You work hard and long hours and you enjoy it. 2. You also NEED to spend time with family who already perceive that you are not spending enough time with them.

What do you do?

My response was to this scenario and this scenario alone. How to "balance" that. Your response on the other hand assumes that that you can impose (or have the right to suggest) fundamental compromises on an individual's life-style.

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#35

Post by simoncion »

DanBC wrote: post #26
ak39 wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Scheduling time with spouse (and for kids) is the only honest and practical way of dealing with the question/challenge of "balancing" work life and family life. It's about setting boundaries. And respectful boundaries are always healthy for all in the relationship. And by "balance" I don't mean equal - I mean having both.

Your post made me angry. I just deleted the post I had written. Here's the replacement. Not seeing your children unless you have scheduled time to do so is bizarre. Some people would suggest it's borderline mildly abusive. Children must come before work. It's really fucking simple. This principle is enshrined in the internationally agreed (although I know the US never ratifies these things) human rights for the child…

> Children must come before work. It's really fucking simple. This principle is enshrined in the internationally agreed...

I read through that Convention, but didn't see any language that backs up your claim. Perhaps I missed it. Can you tell me which part and which article establishes the principle that you claim it does?

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#36

Post by JoeAltmaier »

rayiner wrote: post #34

I married a woman who works in my field and understands my hours because she works them too.

Understanding doesn't add any hours to the day. So you're not seeing much of each other, and don't yet resent it. But its easy for that to start happening. And I don't know any cure other than 'spend more time together' which means working fewer hours.

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#37

Post by shearnie »

Run a time tracker and log every task you are doing. Cracking the 40 hour mark means you are not prioritizing your time properly or you are meant to be single for a while.

Time tracking is also perfect for accountability in your performance, and also how reasonable your employer is. If you're on a salary for a 40 hour week but end up in the 50 hour territory you are sacrificing precious family time that you'll never get back, for your boss. For free.

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#38

Post by soupajoe »

judk wrote: post #27
soupajoe wrote: post #25

Listening to them deeply and finding out their core frustrations is key, just like how you would interact with a user to discover their pain points. In my experience, when my partner claims I work too much it isn't always because I literally work too much. Of course, sometimes my work/life balance needs to be readjusted and brought back to an acceptable equilibrium. However, the frustration often comes from not conve…

What if your partner's love language is Quality Time, and OP knows it?

Then OP would have to work on finding more time to spend with them, and a lot of other comments address possible ways to improve this.

Personally, when my partner complained about not spending enough time together, I increased the time I spent with her, and it didn't help alleviate the frustrations she was feeling. She thought that what mattered to her was Quality Time, but it was really hearing Words of Affirmation that was important (I see a similarity with users who say they want a particular feature, but really just want to solve a certain pain point). Only when we figured out how she feels maximally loved was I able to use the time I spent with her effectively.

I thought maybe OP could be in the same boat.

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#39

Post by georgemcbay »

judk wrote: post #32
ak39 wrote: post #13

SCHEDULE. 1. Schedule most times spent with spouse. For everything . I really mean everything. Dinner date? Schedule it in advance. Going house-hunting? Schedule the visits. Movies? Schedule the evening way in advance. Visiting folks? Agree on a set date. 2. Stick to the schedules like a mofo. Integrity integrity integrity. Promises broken because schedules could not be kept are more likely the reason for an unhappy…

#5 is wrong wrong wrong. You never win an emotional dispute by throwing facts at someone.

Yeah I actually snickered out loud at #5. It is such a facepalm-y bit of advice for most people.

Perhaps I've dated people with very different personalities than those ak39 has but there isn't a single one of them in my history for which #5 would be a useful response if they still felt slighted while the schedule was being followed. Quite the opposite, the suggestion to show them the schedule would be like tossing a live hand-grenade into whatever was already causing the disagreement.

In any case, IMO if you are drawing up schedules to fit your friends/family/SO into your life you've already implicitly prioritized work over them no matter how you balance the schedule. Which is fine if that's how you want to live your life, but be honest about it both to your loved ones and yourself.

Re: Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

#40

Post by mynameishere »

DanBC wrote: post #26
ak39 wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Scheduling time with spouse (and for kids) is the only honest and practical way of dealing with the question/challenge of "balancing" work life and family life. It's about setting boundaries. And respectful boundaries are always healthy for all in the relationship. And by "balance" I don't mean equal - I mean having both.

Your post made me angry. I just deleted the post I had written. Here's the replacement. Not seeing your children unless you have scheduled time to do so is bizarre. Some people would suggest it's borderline mildly abusive. Children must come before work. It's really fucking simple. This principle is enshrined in the internationally agreed (although I know the US never ratifies these things) human rights for the child…

Weird. I actually remember being a kid and distinctly remember not wanting to be around my parents very often.
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