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Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

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Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#31

Post by HeyLaughingBoy »

Just talk. Talk about anything and don't let your feelings get involved. Some of the best advice I ever heard was that shyness was just self-centeredness getting in the way. Focus on the other person and how they are responding to you. If you get "real" responses, keep talking. If you get "yeah," "nope," or apparent disinterest then disengage from the conversation.

Don't think about trying to get a "connection" with the person, it's just conversation, not an interview.

The important thing to remember is there is no reason to be embarrassed: this person has nothing against you, she just doesn't feel like talking to you. Maybe she would at some other time, maybe never. Either way, It's Not A Big Deal, just talk to the next girl you meet instead. After a while it gets easier and you don't even think about it.

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#33

Post by pookleblinky »

pg wrote: post #4

I was about to capitalize the S because I thought this was going to be about how to write a Smalltalk implementation. As for your actual question, sometimes the conversation dies because the other person wants it to, and you'd seem pushy if you tried to force it to continue. But in borderline cases I recommend asking the other person about their feelings about relevant things. I was a peer conselor in college. They t…

I just got a horrible mental image of someone using M-x doctor to practice smalltalk.

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#34

Post by edw519 »

Some things are made to hack and some things just aren't. You are wanting to hack something that just wasn't ever meant to be hacked.

The solution to your problem is so simple it's actually rather elegant: Just care about the other person. If you genuinely care, you'll have no problem finding things to talk about. You'll be asking questions, not because you're following a flowchart or playing a game, but because you really want to know. Fortunately, it's also the only way that works anyway; if you don't care, you'll be clocked and look like a fool.

OTOH, if you don't care about the other person, move on and save both of you the trouble.

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#35

Post by Tritis »

If you can't make smalltalk with a girl then you can't make smalltalk with a guy either. Why does that matter, right? Well it isn't just girls you have a problem talking to. Chances are you're boring in general. And you obviously want to find a girl and a good way to find a girl is through her friends (both guy and gal).

If someone (guy or girl) asks what you're doing later tonight and the only answer you have is "Going to work on some code" then you are a boring person.

If you have no options in your lifestyle besides go home and sit at a computer you aren't going to be able to make smalltalk.

If you aren't going out this Thursday night to see a local band, or head to the park for some frisbee or soccer/football or volunteering to read children's books to kids at the library or really anything outside of your house what exactly do you think you're going to talk to these people about? The weather? Get some hobbies that you can share with other people. And pairs-programming does not count.

And a major point about majors. No one gives a flying fuck. Third month into freshman year every single person has been chatted up with "What's your major? oh that's cool, I'm a so-and-so". That's basically staple conversation to the point where you replay the conversation from memory rather than interacting with the person talking to you.

People who are "good" at smalltalk aren't making shit up on the spot. They go out and do things that they can talk about. Things other people do in a social setting. If you can only define yourself as a programmer you are a boring person.

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#36

Post by lpgauth »

alain94040 wrote: post #22

Actually, I had just came up with an idea for an iPhone application (check out http://fairsoftware.net/public/project/634 ) I'd be interested in finding a developer and an English major to turn this into something real. I think this app has potential.

Funny story, I'm an iPhone dev and recently single. I have had some difficulty closing with girls recently and now my firends make fun of me saying I should code an IClose app for the iPhone.

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#37

Post by markpercival »

grandalf wrote: post #11

What makes you think you're socially compatible with most people? I think the key is realizing that you will probably only click with a small number of people. In my case, I click amazingly well with highly educated, ambitious, often nerdy people, and horribly with people who are really into sports or drinking. So just striking up a random conversation is unlikely ever to be particularly interesting for me. As a resu…

I'm the same way, I click with intelligent, inspiring and often wonderful people and horribly with people that go by the name grandalf.

Seriously, I think this is horrible advise. You can certainly surround yourself with people just like you, or you can challenge yourself and meet a whole slew of interesting people. Some of my best friends are about as polar opposite as it gets. Some even like sports!

As for the lines:

"wanna go on a treasure hunt? I'm looking for bits of radioactive ore"

This WILL NOT get you a girlfriend.

"i'm looking for a soul mate and i am feeling this weird connection with you"

This WILL. Three months later she'll kill your cat and you'll be seeking a restraining order.

My advice - be yourself, add confidence and stop worrying about how it's going to turn out.

One day you might even run into someone that is both highly educated and like sports!

Re: Ask HN: How to make smalltalk?

#40

Post by paulgb »

spydez wrote: post #27
pg wrote: post #4

I was about to capitalize the S because I thought this was going to be about how to write a Smalltalk implementation. As for your actual question, sometimes the conversation dies because the other person wants it to, and you'd seem pushy if you tried to force it to continue. But in borderline cases I recommend asking the other person about their feelings about relevant things. I was a peer conselor in college. They t…

As an introvert, I really, really (really) hate being on the receiving end of this endless follow-on questions type of 'conversation' (can it be a conversation if your only participation is to crowbar more words out of me? (I digress...)). "The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself," as an article in The Atlantic once said. So be careful about using this Rogerian Th…

My trick for when I'm in one of these conversations: after answering, ask "and what about you?". That is of course assuming the question is applicable to them (eg. "do you play any sports", but not "where did you get that shirt").

That way, you show that you are interested in the conversation and the other person. And often with these open-ended questions, people ask them because they have a good answer. (I know it seems narcissistic, but asking yourself "what question would I like asked of me" can be a good way to come up with questions.)

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