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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#31

Post by ZeroClickOk »

Two different perspectives:

1. To be alone is FAR better than to be in bad company. And the world is full of bad company. Thousands of people are craving to be alone for this reason.

2. You need to be a nice companion to yourself. If you arrive at this level, when you meet other people, you will be eager to share this amazing companion with others, instead of appearing to be begging not to "be alone".

And one piece of advice:

1. If you are a Christian, it is a great time to learn and enjoy God's company through prayer; you will never be alone again.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#32

Post by bilsbie »

Might be worth putting some focus on your physical health. That always pays dividends in every other aspect of your life.

Off the top of my head. Join a gym and just do a few machines or the treadmill. Gradually branch out into more. Get a few minutes of noon time sun on your skin. Prioritize good sleep. Walk thirty minutes a day. Start paying attention to what you eat.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#33

Post by ratg13 »

Go to where the people are.

Volunteer your time .. animal shelters, food kitchens, trash cleanups, habitat for humanity, or even just drop in to a nursing home .. there are tons of people that would also love to talk and share.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#35

Post by scott_w »

> I would blame depression, but I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers.

Allow me to be blunt: you’re still suffering the symptoms of depression. I’m not a psychiatrist but you likely have what I’d think of as “situational depression” (as opposed to ingrained depression). Once you either fix the cause (loneliness) or adapt to it, the depression will lift.

I think it’s worth saying that you need to learn how to be comfortable in your own company. That’s the easy bit, the hard part is figuring out how. I don’t think there’s a trick you can do, you need to put in some work. Maybe take your dog walking to more remote places than just a dog park? I guess if you’re in America this might be more difficult but are there any green spaces within a few hours drive you can spend the weekend at?

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#36

Post by jokethrowaway »

I have a friend on anti depressants and she mentions the same hollowness and lack of wanting to do anything - despite having a good social life.

When I went through depression I refused meds, self medicated with weed (don't take it as medical advice) and got through the end of it.

I'd blame the meds and recommend gently weaning off them. Once you feel better rebuilding a social life is absolutely possible.

Best of luck with everything

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#37

Post by matt_heimer »

It's not just a hobby you need, it's purpose. For some that is a hobby. If you go the hobby route, try to look for one that has in person meetups. Others going through this use self-improvement as their purpose (gym, suit up, etc). Church works for some. Consider some continuing education courses. Would charity work suit you? There are places like habitat for humanity that you can volunteer at. Maker spaces can be fun. You might also want to try out working from a co-working space.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#38

Post by rramadass »

By rethinking everything about yourself and your relationship to the World as a whole.

I live alone with a hermit-like lifestyle (even though i live in the middle of a big city) and so perhaps my advice may be of some use.

Read Philosophy, Read Psychology and orient your entire Worldview accordingly. This is very important; you cannot choose solitude while thinking and longing for external socializations/validations. Self-Denial and Self-Control are the key attitudes to practice. A complete framework/discipline like Patanjali Ashtanga Yoga is a good one to follow.

Keep Body Active, Maintain proper Diet and Sleep. Whenever you feel down/depressed get out and walk (or do any physical activity). Become aware of what in the environment triggers your "loneliness" and consciously move away from it.

When you go to the grocery store/coffee shop/restaurant/etc. converse/joke/laugh with the employees/customers there since that is your much needed essential "socialization" fix. Understand how the self uses social-surrogates to satisfy its social needs eg. social media.

The key idea is that you limit socialization/interaction to the absolute essentials i.e. to that which is impelled by nature.

Also Mind and Body are one and so problems can be solved by approaching them via both avenues. This is why motion/exercise is so good for the mind.

Cultivate total Zen-like "mindfulness in the present" so that your mind forgets the self and is fully occupied in any activity you are engaged in which could be as mundane as house-cleaning/dishwashing/etc.

Live in the present, with your consciousness externalized momentarily but without any effort; when the mind stops linking itself to the past and to the future, it becomes no-­mind. If from moment to moment your mind dwells on what is and drops it effortlessly at once [just before moving on to something else], the mind becomes no-­mind, full of purity.

-- Yoga Vasistha

PS: Some of my previous comments which are relevant here - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=40978488 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44987175 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41538322 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29777785 , https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=32918811

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#39

Post by amelius »

nephihaha wrote: post #27
Hnrobert42 wrote: post #19

1. This will be tough. That doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. 2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable. 3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression. 4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness. Again, that's okay. You will grow so m…

3 is very true and reflects a serious issue in today's society. It is easier to treat symptoms than causes sometimes. The good news is that situational issues can be fixed but it can take time.

Those feelings of hollowness of OP could be explained as a side effect of those meds, in fact. They wouldn't be the first.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#40

Post by jwrallie »

reactordev wrote: post #23

The hollowness is from not being useful to someone. I went through your EXACT same thing. 17, graduated, moved in with my sweetheart (and her mother…), got a place of our own to rent at 23, married at 26, divorced at 36, alone entirely when my parents died 38, and 41. Now 43, the best advice I can give you is to forgive yourself, go outside, reconnect with the things that bring YOU joy (for me, that was getting back…

> reconnect with the things that bring YOU joy

This is great advice, think about something you have been wanting to do (or get back to) but could never quite put the time into.

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