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Before you say anything, ask yourself:
1) Does this need to be said?
2) Does this need to be said by me?
3) Does this need to be said by me, now?
I’m not sure you’ll be able to find a book that will tell you what to say word for word but you might be able to learn a lot from studying your own interactions. I’d encourage you to ask open ended questions when someone doesn’t react the way you expect them to.
I try to keep in mind that everyone is a rational actor based on their values and world view. If someone seems irrational it means that I’ve misunderstood their values or some aspect of their understanding of the world. Trying to figure out where the disconnect is can often be a better use of time than just repeating myself or rephrasing my thoughts.
You should expect that generally intelligent people will also be good at dealing with people. The idea that smart people are often lopsided or lack "people skills" is not supported by psychometric data.
The next thing to understand is that most people do not want to engage with reality any more than they absolutely have to. Most people, most of the time, are choosing what they say in order to positively manipulate someone's emotional state and cultivate a stronger relationship. People care more about being happy than the truth.
The HN community is a bubble of radical truth seeking. This is objectively useful in most professional contexts. Part of the "culture fit" test at a high performing company will be a check for blunt honesty and truth seeking. No "yes men".
But it's not the way to win the social game that you will play in most interactions throughout your life, and you just have to accept that. You are not optimizing for giving someone an uncomfortable truth, you are optimizing for making them happy. Making them like the way they feel when you are around.
From there, you have the superpower of being able to begin to understand what’s going on with yourself more deeply and then others, too; with a lot more clarity than the average bear.
I'm not sure it's exactly what you're looking for, but there is a book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie - despite it's cheesy title and being pretty old, it's still very good advice. Turns out, people nature don't change that much !
https://www.amazon.com/HBRs-Must-Reads-Emotional-Intelligenc...
If you're leading teams (or even not tbh), Patrick Lencioni and John C Maxwell, both have lots of good stuff to say about EI and teams/work, I won't point you to any particular book of theirs just look at their stuff and see what sticks out. I've read all the books both of them have written and enjoyed them all.
FWIW: It's not easy stuff, so don't worry too much, there are lots of people with PhDs just on this topic, there is a lot to learn and it can be overwhelming, at least it was/is for me, and I worried about it a lot, so don't worry too much. :) Good luck!
I think some debate techniques might help. A lot of guides break down into steps about where the opponent is coming from, why they are saying it. It also leads one into anticipating your opponents next move and knowing who your audience is. This can help you understand why they may respond a certain way. Make sure what you are saying adds value and doesn’t just make noise. Also pairing reflective listening can help u…