31–40 of 110 posts
Let it come to you, be extra strong for the kid, and realize you will get tired from late night wakings, but let your bosses know. Ppl are more compassionate than you think if you are up front.
You need parental leave. Not only for your mental health, but so you can support mama and baby. You should not be thinking about work AT ALL for the first 90 days of baby's life. Do whatever you can to get as much parental leave as you possibly can. Be there for baby and mama, and then -- only then, after baby is a few months old and your partner has healed a bit -- should you start worrying about your job and financ…
Maybe it’s just the phrasing of this and it’s intended differently, but it seems like terrible advice. You should never put your own mental health last. If you’re in a hole you’re not going to be able to help anyone else. If OP has just found out they’re having a baby they likely have some time. If they use that time to focus on themselves and get themselves in a better position they can be in a much better mental state to help when the baby actually arrives. The statement I quoted reads like the OP doesn’t matter and he should accept that. But maybe I’m not understanding your intention fully.
It sounds like you need a break and need a bit of a mental adjustment: you've likely spent a decade being undervalued (new hires almost always make more than long-serving employees).
Take what pat leave you can, max out vacation time, and sick days if you need to, decompress, and adjust to being a dad.
As soon as you feel ready, talk to management / owners and express these feelings. You'll get good feedback either way. Your goal is either to take a sabbatical and come back refreshed, with a raise, or take your notice period to find a new job.
Maybe it's time to move into management or shift into something slower, like government. Maybe it's time to move nearer to family -- grandpa and grandma might enjoy helping with childcare.
Calm down, face your fears, and change what you need to change in order to take care of your responsibilities.
Best of luck!
2) (Assuming you are in the US) If you can choose health insurance plans (annual enrollment this year and baby next year), check how your health insurance handles birth. There can be a massive difference in how much you pay out of pocket.
3) Plan to take parental leave. If your company offers it, take it... all of it. If it doesn't, budget to take three months off (but seriously, not less than half that). You and the mother won't be getting much sleep, there will be more to do, and last but not least, this is the only time your child will be a baby. This period is not something you can redo later.
4) Get your mental health in check. Your constant fear of losing your job and a low view of your worth suggests you may have some things to work through. Talk to mental health professionals, not just a friend or family member. You owe it to your child and family to be present and a positive influence.
Good luck.
It's OK, just pull your strap, man. A happy childhood will not buy itself. Having children ought to be hard, otherwise population of Earth would grow much faster.
Things turned out slightly differently for me and could see the OP taking some useful cues from it. When I burned out I eventually quit my job(the sooner the better or an extended vacation with the possibility of returning just for safety). I then took a complete break from anything technology related, in all honesty I was forced to, my focus was all over the place. I walked a lot during those days and tried not to linger in static helplessness but do something minimal but with a purpose. I figured that I wanted to walked our friends dog, as stupid as it sounds it helped. My mind started clearing of negative thoughts after about a month and some hope started creeping in but was still not able to simply jump into another job, that required about 3-4 months. That's when I found out I was going to be a dad and though a bit stressed out some new determination kicked in. And some luck too, someone, an old manager I had moved to a new company and looked for me for a job. I explained I was going to be a dad and in addition to congratulations there was some promise of work-life balance. And it actually worked out, i'm still here now 5 years later.
The takeaway is that time is needed to recover and that this process can be extremely scary but could be eventually overcome by most of us. The reason I did burn out was because I did not have the intuition to quit that job earlier but at the time I did not know what that messy stressful job was about to do to me, now I know.
2. Paternity will be exhausting but there will be downtime (baby sleeps during day) use this time to polish your resume and apply to jobs
3. Interview and change your job you shouldn't be somewhere you feel like you are going to be fired for a decade.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
OP seems to currently be employed as a programmer, on the verge of having a kid and very stressed. He is not into abject poverty yet. Relaxing is a good advice actually. People don’t take good decision under intense stress. That’s why burnout is so pernicious. It removes your ability to objectively look at what’s happening. Even if the situation requires actions, calming down and taking the time necessary to realise…
Relaxing is probably the wrong word. You should approach the situation like you’re a first responder arriving at the crash scene: prepared to act and stowing your emotion. Maybe they can take time? Depends on burn rate, savings, and estimated time to next role. Can’t know without insight into OPs finances. I agree panicking doesn’t help; it’s a call to action. When not at their day job, their job is to find a new job…
I don’t think that’s a good advice. Life is not a crash scene where minutes count.
Realistically we are talking about weeks here. The situation is not that different today than yesterday and will be mostly the same tomorrow.
OP has time to take a breath, remember that they have a partner having the kid with them and who they can talk to, take a calm look at the situation as a whole which is highly unlikely to be as bad as he paints it (realistically how unemployable can be someone who currently holds a steady job) and then plans actions for the next few months.
The original comment was spot on in a lot of way. Having a kid is indeed a life changing event but it’s good remembering plenty of people went through it and survived.
Mindfulness meditation (prayer in a religious context), the quieting of my inner monologue through shadow work + self-cognitive-behavior-therapy (CBT) to nurture my inner child, and noticing the presence of the divine through studying synchronicity (magic) really helped me.
In other words, you've correctly identified that no solution may be possible within your current reality. But as human beings, we can consciously shift into the reality we wish to live in. That might look like getting a different job, moving somewhere else, or even just communicating our feelings and setting boundaries. I've found that the more I stand up for the dignity of myself and others, the more the universe realigns to support my existence. I believe that this spiritual work in service to ourselves and especially others, is what brings about Heaven on Earth.
I ended up leaving the company and taking a sizable pay cut to do so. It was hard, super hard. The company I moved to was in chaos, we absorbed a bunch of new debt to keep up with things.
20 years later, I am so grateful I made this move. Not because things turned out great (which they did), but because I learned how to say no, and set boundaries for myself and how I let companies treat me.
Keep your head up, and focus on the stuff that really matters.