Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#31

Post by bitshiftfaced » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:09 PM UTC

Bring a large water bottle to the birth.

Go to one of those newborn classes and learn how to change a diaper and swaddle at the minimum.

(If applicable) split the night into two shifts to maximize uninterrupted sleep.

Listen to your gut. You're ultimately responsible for your baby. If something doesn't feel right, then speak up and set boundaries with the other people in your life. Do it from the start, preferably. But if you get talked into something you later change your mind on, then say so and enforce those boundaries.

(If applicable) when you get back from the hospital, the mother will need a prescription filled. Bring her and the baby home, and then figure out all the prescription stuff that day for her. Read all of the doctor's orders and then later when she gets some rest, summarize them for her. (E.g. if she nurses, she may need to stop some prescriptions.)

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#32

Post by sshagent » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:09 PM UTC

Other mentioned similar but be sure to make sure you spend regular time with just your partner. don't fall into the trap of each other 'babysitting' whilst the other goes out for fun.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#33

Post by stef25 » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:10 PM UTC

lewisjoe wrote: post #22

lordnacho wrote: post #11

For the birth, it goes slowly. Waters break but it's still quite a while before the kid comes. Don't panic and don't spend all your energy at once. Don't hesitate to get a c-section. If you need it, ask for it. Both my kids would have died if it wasn't for that. It's completely routine for the doctor, I even heard them talking about their shopping while pulling out my daughter.

I regret not asking for a c-section explicitly. Coming from a traditional south-indian background I hesitated electing a c-section beforehand, trusting the doctor will take the best decisions based on the situation. I was wrong. The doctor pushed it too far and my baby had to be NICU-ed for a couple of days and even worse, I still have PTSD witnessing the trauma my spouse had to go through. I should have simply liste…

Perhaps your doc made the wrong call but people without medical knowledge shouldn't be making medical decisions either.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#34

Post by mikelward » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:10 PM UTC

Try to help out as much as you can. There's a lot of pressure on new moms to do everything right, that she should just know what to do. She'll be physically exhausted from feeding and lack of sleep, not to mention emotionally exhausted. Whether you can help out with the baby, or just take over more of the other responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, etc.), or get more help with those things.

You might like to ask family to visit and help. It might bring you closer.

Take as much time off as you can. It's a really sweet time to bond.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#35

Post by jimhefferon » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:11 PM UTC

Two kids, one in 89 and one in 92. Boys. Think we did a pretty good job.

Be kind, to the extent you can.

We all of us are human. You will lose your temper, you will embarass yourself in the grocery store. Forgive yourself and try to do better next time.

If your kid drops something and it breaks then being angry will make them more nervous and more likely to break it next time. Try to just acknowledge the error, say it is very little, and urge them to be a tad more careful next time. Of course, sometimes you will be angry. See the prior paragraph.

Remember Mr Rogers. Kids need to know they are loved and cherished. That doesn't mean giving them an award every time they clean their room -- they need to be responsible just like any other person -- but it does mean to try to be kind. If you are wondering whether you should say that you are glad you were able find the time together to play catch, then you should say that.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#36

Post by omginternets » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:12 PM UTC

uniqueuid wrote: post #17

wittjeff wrote: post #12

Anxiety, anger, and pain share some circuitry in the brain. If you're feeling like you're going to have a short-fuse (easily angered) day with your kid, pop one ibuprofen. I found it helped replenish the zen/chill reserves immensely when I really needed it. But watch your total consumption of all pain killers; they do cumulative damage to your liver.

Yes! By the way, this also goes for other important events such as interviews. Be careful, there is some evidence that NSAIDs may also contribute to infertility.

> Be careful, there is some evidence that NSAIDs may also contribute to infertility.

As far as I’m aware, that seems to be epiphenomenal. The inflammation is correlated to infertility, and also with NSAID consumption.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#37

Post by dbingham » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:13 PM UTC

jmpman wrote: post #9

There are no changing tables in the men’s restroom. Well, sometimes there are, but I can’t tell you how awful they are. Quite filthy and often in questionable mechanical shape… just keep telling your wife this. Have your fellow fathers tell their wives this.

Don't tell your wives, tell the owners/operators of the establishment.

Don't give in to that kind of societal inequality - change it.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#38

Post by xwdv » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:13 PM UTC

Always remember that you are raising a person, a child shouldn’t be considered your private property. They will be their own beings and you are just here to protect them until they can care for themselves.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#39

Post by chinathrow » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:13 PM UTC

wiredfool wrote: post #14

The days, weeks, and months when they are small seem to last forever. 18 years passes and suddenly they're an adult, and it's ... really not that long. But for the time being: * Sleep when the baby sleeps. Their schedule is not going to mesh with yours for a while, and you'll be sleep deprived. * Every kid is different, and half of the advice you get will not work for your kid. Even with the same genetics, they're st…

> Sleep when the baby sleeps. Their schedule is not going to mesh with yours for a while, and you'll be sleep deprived.

This needs to be the top comment. You cannot imagine what constant or regular (e.g. every 2nd night) sleep deprivation will do to your brain and/or body.

Also, if possible, take as much time of from work as you can. Those early days will never come back and you can't make some memories again.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#40

Post by uniqueuid » Mon, Jul 04, 2022, 2:13 PM UTC

uniqueuid wrote: post #6

Great question. Read the answers but remember that it's wildly different for everybody. That said: The life and death matters (sorry): - Never shake your kid, ever - Sudden infant death is partly genetic (not your risk/fault), but still: no toys, pillows, plush animals in the crib -> risk of suffocating The luxury matters: - Breastfeeding does make a difference. If you can manage, try to do it - Don't worry. Whatever…

Oh I forgot one important thing:

When you become a parent, you suddenly join an invisible world-wide club. Parents empathize and help each other instinctively in many cases. People will come to your aid when you would never expect it. Accept the help. And pass it on when you see others struggling.