Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

My father in law passed earlier this year from cancer. We ended up taking him into our home for the last week and a half of his life. Lots of good advice in this thread (imho chief among them: therapy, asking for help from people you trust) so I'll just add some of the best advice I got, which was to be flexible. Things can change quickly, for good and bad, and it's good to take it as it comes, to remind yourself that you can't see into the future, to do the best you can right now. It's not easy, but for me personally, it made me calmer and more adaptable, especially for a situation that was largely out of my control for numerous reasons.

My mother has been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in December 2020 and we are fortunate enough to say that although she might not be considered "cured" yet, we have no reasons to worry about the immediate future and her treatments are going well.

The first thing I can say, and the one thing that I would absolutely like you to remember from my comment, is that everyone's experience is unique. Your difficulties would be different than others', but also you will most definitely find many other things much easier than what you might have been warned to be. Therefore the most important thing is to stay neutral, even if being optimistic is too much to ask for at the beginning, and try your best to experience your journey as it happens rather than worrying needlessly about your future.

There are two important things that you may want to provide:

#1 is access to good healthcare. Cancer treatments can get quite expensive, with scans, chemotherapies, radiotherapies, drugs, emergencies, etc so financial security is definitely an important consideration. Another element of providing a good healthcare to your close one is finding the right professionals. In my limited experience, it seems to me that from surgeons to oncologists, people are specialized further in their fields so it is even better if you can find those who are specialized in treating the type of cancer your mother has. You may start with the word of mouth, and follow the pointers you have collected. For instance, I have looked at (a) the number of papers they have published and (b) the number of papers they have published on the type of cancer my mother had. Perhaps not the best way, but it was an improvement over making a blind choice. Last but the most important thing is how comfortable you feel with your doctor(s); can you reach them (or their secretaries) when you need during an emergency? Do they make the patient feel good, comfortable, and optimistic about their treatment?

#2 is providing them comfort. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, having conversations with them on a range of topics from their treatment to their daily lives, giving them massages, or even simply being around them so they won't feel lonely. I see that having a job, this might be a luxury that you cannot afford consistently. Cancer takes its toll on the close circle of the patient too, so please make sure to not spread yourself far too thin. It's better to provide the best of your abilities consistently than to burn out midway; but whenever you feel you cannot, do not hesitate to seek help from friends or professionals.

Also, save every lab report, epicrisis (discharge report), etc on cloud and make sure is accessible to everyone who is helping the patient. Informed decisions, whether taken by you or the professionals, require information.

Things to stay away from:

- Alternative medicine; please trust your doctor, or find one that you can trust.

- Connecting with other cancer patients can provide great support and comfort to the patient, but it might also hurt their morale to hear the occasional bad news, or to be subjected to the constant background radiation of "living with cancer" conversations. The solution is to be as picky as you are usually in having friends, and not just to connect with any cancer patient that you come across. It is also okay to stop seeing those who, intentionally or not, make you feel worse than you did before you engaged with them; do not feel obliged to act like a professional counselor.

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It's hard to recollect everything that matters, so if you have any questions or would just like to have a chat, feel free to reach me by the email address on my profile. Wishing the best for your mother, for you, and your family.

EDIT: Even reading some of the comments here talking about how we all are eventually going to lose our parents and loved ones is an example of how not to approach this... There are many success stories, but the ones that you hear the most about from your friends and the media are the ones that did not go so well. Many cancer patients are indeed hiding their condition so not to be subjected to the pitying looks and the barrage of questions.

Some practical stuff to consider (not prescriptions), some of which is more relevant in case of advanced disease, and some of which may save you time or headaches in the long run, and some of which will just seem trite and obvious:

1.Second opinion regarding treatment protocol (especially for second line treatment or beyond, where things tend to be a bit less settled) 2. Genetic testing that looks for treatable anomalies. (e.g., FoundationOne) 3. Disabled parking placard (if your country has this) 4. DNR. (Do not resucitate order) 5. Power of Attorney (for matters both medical and financial) Treat anxiety/depression. (Remeron, for example, helps with anxiety, depression, sleep, and appetite) 6. Protect patient from misinformation 7. Prophylactic treatment of pain 8. Prophylactic treatment of nausea 9. Prophylactic treatment of constipation (stool softeners are not always enough) 10. Always request STAT orders from doctors (to reduce time spent waiting around for tests and for test results) 11. Grab rails/ support rails for bathroom/shower + shower chair + walker 12. If relevant: consider upgrading medical insurance during open enrollment period. 13. Will. 14. TV for bedroom. 15. Make sure bed is as comfortable as possible. 16. Write down questions for oncologist prior to appointment. 17. Protect patient as much as possible from idea that she is burden, from natural expressions of impatience or frustration, from arguments etc (since these can have medical implications in terms of willingness to endure necessary treatment) 18. Caretaker needs to be taken care of too. 18. Avoid delays in treatment as much as possible. 19. Vaccinate against flu and covid