At the age of 41, after a decade of freelancing plus raising two kids, I am in dire need of leisure time.
Ok ok call it midlife crisis. But I also see that in all my friends lives.
I don't know yet what to remove from that full/filled life, for some leisure time.
Ask HN: Do you think career and family is either-or?
31–40 of 47 posts
Re: Ask HN: Do you think career and family is either-or?
#32Someone will have to sacrifice somewhere: either you, your spouse, or your kids. I have two kids, and when our second was 6 months old, I quit working to take care of them. I'm a male. We also moved closer for family, to an area that's not great for my career.
I still do side projects and a bit of consulting (remotely), but most of my time is kid or house related. If I wasn't doing this, I'd be a director level manager at some software company probably.
I know a lot of folks where both spouses are working and "successful", but their kids are typically quite the opposite. Freeloaders, lazy, on drugs, still living at home with no plan to leave, etc. It's hard enough to find quality child care, but nothing can replace a present, caring parent.
Re: Ask HN: Do you think career and family is either-or?
#33Always family first
Re: Ask HN: Do you think career and family is either-or?
#34If you want kids, have kids--the sooner the better (prime reproductive years, younger grandparents, SV ageism, yadayada). If you don't want kids, don't have kids.
If you reread your questions, you will see that they are incredibly career-centric, so you already have the answer that is right for you.
For the love of all that is holy, please don't have kids (or even a relationship for that matter) as some kind of career accessory.
Re: Ask HN: Do you think career and family is either-or?
#35If you want kids, have kids--the sooner the better (prime reproductive years, younger grandparents, SV ageism, yadayada). If you don't want kids, don't have kids. If you reread your questions, you will see that they are incredibly career-centric, so you already have the answer that is right for you. For the love of all that is holy, please don't have kids (or even a relationship for that matter) as some kind of caree…
My guess is that he's less career-centric than it sounds on the surface. Reading between the lines, it sounds like he's in at least early 30's, but still awaiting "the moment". So perhaps more of a dreamer.
That's fine, aren't we all. (I am anyway). I'm not so much an entrepreneur nor a careerist, more of a dreamer of "If I had time I'd figure out the General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics discrepancy". I even have ideas. (My day job is as a code monkey).
I ended up having two (so far?) kids at 37 and 39. Initially, I regretted it. Especially the second. With one kid you can kinda still get some free time. With two, you get maybe 30 min per day if you wake up early, but even then you're constantly on high alert with baby monitor(s) in hand. You're not going to solve quantum gravity with that.
Now, youngest is turning 2 soon, I still get not much more than 30 min per day, but I'm happy. I like spending time with them, and let's get real, I wasn't going to solve quantum gravity anyway. OR, as I think to myself, I've got as good a chance of solving it now as I would have if I was single. (Both close enough to zero that calculus doesn't even work anymore).
For that matter, when I'm out of town on assignment, I find I'm actually less productive with my 8 hours of unadulterated free time than I am when I'm limited to an anxious 30 min. And ultimately I wish I was just back home hanging out with them.
So ... that.
Re: Ask HN: Do you think career and family is either-or?
#36My brother just gave birth to his first child and is a postdoc in physics at a prestigious school. He has no free time. He is not afraid. That's what keeps him going. He's up for the challenge and works really hard. He bikes to work sometimes twice in a day. He cooks, takes care of baby stuff, planning, etc. I don't know how he does physics, well I do. He loves everything he does and gives it his all.
Re: Ask HN: Do you think career and family is either-or?
#37Business and entrepeneurship are a means to an end. Life is about relationships with people you love. Although trite, it's very true that nobody on their death bed wishes they spent more time at the office.
Re: Ask HN: Do you think career and family is either-or?
#38Having young kids makes you far more efficient. Your time is far more scarce, so you focus much better when you have clear time. You'll also be more refreshed by having time away from the computer, far more empathetic, and develop a far wider social circle of people with similar-aged kids. All of that makes you more human and more effective regardless of your profession.
One big unknown is what will happen after you or your partner has spent a few years as the primary care giver. The non-primary care giver will have to be flexible, adaptable and accept the situation will almost certainly change as the children progress from babies to school-aged.
If you are of an average first child age, have 2 children, live in a developed country, and live a statistical ~83 years, you'll have significant time obligations to young kids for ~15 years. Then again you'll have a relationship with them for ~50 years, so it's a small fraction of time for the many decades of love.
Re: Ask HN: Do you think career and family is either-or?
#39My answer is very practical but it's close to reality. Time won't be your main concern... money will force you to go back to work to get a 9-5 stable job. If you chose the entrepreneurial route and you haven't even started yet, forget about building a family, unless you've already built a stable business - or - your wife goes back to work right after delivery of your baby. Assuming her salary can support the entire family AND she gets really good health benefits from her employer.
If she doesn't have a job, as a wannabe entrepreneur you won't have much income nor any health benefits. You'll have plenty of time, but no money to live. Having a baby (in the US) costs A LOT of money. Before, during and after.
So don't think too much about building a family if you haven't even started your entrepreneurial journey. Thinking about being distracted by kids at home after work is a 9-5 people's problem. Entrepreneurs can survive with no money. Having kids will make that almost impossible. You can totally build a family now but your personal goals we'll be delayed by a lot of years until your kids become financially independent.
Re: Ask HN: Do you think career and family is either-or?
#40If you want kids, have kids--the sooner the better (prime reproductive years, younger grandparents, SV ageism, yadayada). If you don't want kids, don't have kids. If you reread your questions, you will see that they are incredibly career-centric, so you already have the answer that is right for you. For the love of all that is holy, please don't have kids (or even a relationship for that matter) as some kind of caree…
My guess is that he's less career-centric than it sounds on the surface. Reading between the lines, it sounds like he's in at least early 30's, but still awaiting "the moment". So perhaps more of a dreamer. That's fine, aren't we all. (I am anyway). I'm not so much an entrepreneur nor a careerist, more of a dreamer of "If I had time I'd figure out the General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics discrepancy". I even have…
It usually works out better when people do what they want to do then figure out the details, rather than when they do what they have to do and stay bitter about it. From his own admission, his partner is the one who wants kids, while the parent life is the one that he fears.
To me it sounds like he's only pondering this to keep his partner happy. That makes sense for small things like watching a show you don't like or bearing with the in-laws. It is a train wreck waiting to happen when it comes to the big stuff like families and careers. For those situations, it's really time to get a different partner.