Ask HN: Should I quit graduate school to avoid a bad advisor?

This conversation might be more helpful if you had it with other faculty, particularly the Director of Graduate Studies, in your department. In general, Departments want their graduate students to graduate (statistics on graduation rate are used to justify training grants), and to be successful in their later careers. And Director's of Graduate Studies have a useful historical perspective; they may know that your advisor has had a history of problems, or that your situation is unusual and bears looking into.

There are almost certainly resources in your Department to support you and help you with your decision. You should explore them.

You should also understand that you can ask for letters from other people in your department, in particular from your thesis committee. While it is not ideal, it is not unheard of for students to provide letters that do not include their advisor. The more you interact with other faculty, the better in your situation.

You don't mention (a) your reason for pursuing a PhD / what you plan to do after grad school, (b) what you've achieved so far in the past 3 years, or (c) your field of study. Without at least that information, it would be very difficult for anybody to advise you here.

> I don't have many references because, I'm in graduate school.

That's not a valid reason. Networking takes work, and you should start now. I can't stress that enough.

> he won't leave a good word in for me for anyone who contacts him as a reference

If he's as bad as you say, his reference might not carry a lot of weight anyway. If you're set on pursuing an academic career, moving to a professor who does good science and has a good reputation might be worth another couple years in the long run.

> it's too late to switch groups without wasting an additional 3 years

In my experience, this isn't necessarily true. You may find an advisor who won't completely ignore the work you've already done (unless you have nothing to show for the last three years). Some people here advise you to meet with other professors and "explain the situation." Be extremely careful how you explain the situation, and don't disparage your current advisor.

I get the sense that the issue might be you. I would first work on a major attitude adjustment. You're going to run into people that are difficult to get along with. It's useful to be able to make those situations work.

I recently finished my PhD and had a terrible relationship with my "advisor"---who left part of the way through to start a startup doing the exact same thing he had brought me on to do (except I was not invited). I don't have any continuing contact with him and I certainly don't list him as a reference on my CV (nor did he help me make any useful connections before he ditched his lab group). In a difficult situation like that, what kept me going as what amounted to a self-advised graduate student for almost five years was that I enjoyed the work I was doing. If that intrinsic motivation was not there, I would not have finished---or if I had, it would not have been very meaningful: why get a PhD studying something I wasn't fully enjoying and engaged by?

I have watched enough graduate students "stick with it" non-enthusiastically and it doesn't usually work out well. I hate to be black-and-white, and I don't think it's as black-and-white as I'm about to put it, but either you love the work and nothing can keep you from it (or something close to that), or you should leave the PhD program (and there's nothing wrong with that!). I think PhDs do not really made to reward folks who don't fully enjoy the work they are doing, because often the post-graduation prospects are "pay a big price to keep doing your research" or "do something else".

Granted, I don't know much of your situation, so take the advice for what it's worth, but I hope that what I've written here is helpful.

You begin by saying you're eager to quit, so I will take that as your true desire, and those first five words are enough to advise you to quit. Nothing in your query suggests that you are enjoying the work or look forward to continuing in the field. Given the negative sentiment and the lack of positive sentiments, the case seems quite clear. Quit, and get on with your life. Chalk the past three years up to experience, and set about enjoying the next three years and the years after. Life is short, after all. Find the thing you love and are good at, and don't worry about the fact that you didn't finish this PhD.