Try focusing on doing for other people. Volunteering, joining your local religious group, random acts of kindness. This will give your life meaning and help you find wholesome and healthy relationships.
Ask HN: How to be alone?
291–300 of 592 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#292[deleted]
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#293I have been alone for quite some time in my life, for various reasons.
Here is my advice
1. Don’t listen to people telling you that there‘s something wrong with you if you aren’t happy alone and that you need therapy. You probably don‘t.
If you aren’t able to survive a single day on your own, then you have an issue, but in general people are social animals and need talking to and touching other people on a regular basis to regulate themselves emotionally. Some don’t, but you don‘t seem to be one of them. (In my experience people who honestly enjoy being alone for weeks at end often got used to this in their childhood, for example by being single children. If you had a noisy, lively house when growing up you will always miss that.)
2. That being said it is still nourishing and useful to follow the tips for spending time on your own (cooking for yourself, going into the cinema) now and then. But don‘t expect it to magically fix your yearning for social connections.
3. Doing sports and going to the gym often is great advice, because sports generally gives you a more positive mood and a better outlook and it quiets down negative thoughts. But also keep in mind here that it will not replace social interactions and touch.
4. So the question remains where you get your social interaction from, and I suggest that you replace the single person you had with a lot of tiny social interactions.
None of those is going to fix your solitude on it’s own, but the mixture will enrich your life. If you do all of those things once per week, your mood will improve:
- Online dating and chatting with friends (but don’t expect anything to come out of it)
- Dancing classes (this is especially great because you get the physical touch component)
- Regular coffee/dinner dates (1-2 per week) with a friend, coworker or relative.
- Going for a walk and talking to a random stranger
- Singing in a choir or similar hobbies
- Going to pubquizzes or free to join community walks
- Commuting to the office instead of doing home office.
5. I won‘t argue against your psychiatrist, but I find that medication is only useful in a minority of cases. Both anti depressants and anti anxiety meds can actually reduce your motivation to go out, by mellowing you into a not-great-not-terrible dreamy state.
6. Don‘t start rummaging and contemplating your thoughts when you are lonely. Being lonely makes you weird: https://arstechnica.com/science/2023/07/lonely-people-see-th...
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#294I have had very varying experiences with suggestions (or talking to someone) about these kinds of changes in life and how to deal with them. Most of the times what I have to say has been met with resistance (sometimes even some sort of resentment or confrontation, or a mix of the two). Why is that? No, not because I consider that they thought I was being a jerk or flippant. But because they had considered certain things undoable, or they didn't do them before, and didn't want to change that and hence when I suggested exactly those things to do in life (or in some cases 'not do') it was considered of no use, being repetitive, clichéd. Of course, by saying this as the leading text in my comment it might look like I am saying OP might be that, but I am not saying that. What I am going to say is - in such a case of OP exactly those things help, what many have actually listed below, and that's why they are cliched and repitive (again, because they work), and can be summed up as:
1. Physical activities as a routine
2. Going out (regularly but maybe not as a routine)
3. A physically engaging hobby that involves someone else and something tangible (besides the two mentioned above)
4. Pickup an intellectually engaging hobby (may or may not involve others)
I shall expand a bit on these (but this will mostly be a huge text wall).
By [1], I mean giving your body the physical exercise it literally "requires" (yup, for us humans it's not a choice, but many of the capable us don't do/get that). Gym is the easiest and helps a lot. Better still, pick up a sport - actually, what works best is doing the two, as one helps and accentuates the other.
If someone is looking for a short, readymade "first to try" list, here's one: gym, running, or/and a racket sport.
Very important: if you have the means and money, consider joining a coaching program to begin with. It's a game changer (no pun intended), and that includes a non-"typical gym-bro/gal" gym trainer.
The [2] is not "let's go out" kind of going out - but just physically stepping out (regularly!!) of your house or usual comfort zone spots - for walks, backpacking trips, travels, treks, camping, hiking, window shopping, attending plays, films in cinemas, puppet shows, bookstores, museums, music shows, comedy shows, get those perfect walking leather shoes for yourself and go around the stores trying to find that and be disappointed that the perfect hasn't been made yet (if you find it, then great).. and so on. You get the gist.
The [3] and [4] are somewhat similar, and I wouldn't regurgitate a lot about that. But just a few examples (you pick your own): for [3], learn to play guitar/cello/violin/drum/some shit/explore - do this under a tutor; and for [4]: pickup reading (may or may not be a reading group), world cinema (a cine club maybe), writing literature (for your diary, you don't have to plan to publish; though you can join a group for sharing if you want). Etc.
None of these is going to happen in a day. But you might not want to make these a months-long research and execution project either. Give it a few days to a few weeks. It's perfectly fine to switch, get bored, move from one to another, get frustrated, try something else, something entirely diagonal, and get disillusioned, but keep trying, keep exploring.
Saying it again, try to get trainers/guides/tutors/groups wherever needed or can. If nothing else, it helps with getting good at something in somewhat shorter time and helps you avoid unlearning a lot of basic things later, and since you are older (as in not a kid or teen), this could be a tad bit more productive, especially in sticking with it.
For me, the point of "how to be alone" is very different from "how to be lonely" (which I doubt anyone wants or hopes so, at least I don't). These engagements give you the bare minimum to sufficient human exposure without having to "socialise" and set you up to be perfectly fine being alone, at least in the short term, and slowly opening up paths for you, giving you some road to decide what turns you want to take in life over time and get back hold of things.
(From your story, it's clear I am not from your geography/culture/etc., so if something seems very weird/odd for you, please note where/why it might be coming from.)
Good luck.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#295Earlier quoted context omitted.
Gym is important to set a body routine and get it used to “flush” emotions out with sweat. Daily exercise when in vulnerable state is non-negotiable imo (but hard). Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first.
> Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first. Err.... Are we talking about affording in time? Because from where I'm sitting once you have a bike it's free, where gyms need an ongoing subscription. Plus if someone (like OP) works from home, getting on their bike is likely easier and lower-friction.
> Are we talking about affording in time?
Mostly weather. There are very few locations where “bike every day” is a reasonable statement. Consistency is key.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#296Living alone sucks. The transition period after a long relationship ends also sucks. No amount of advice from anyone can fill that void for you. Having said that, you have to at least give yourself a chance to go out there and stay in the real-world as much as possible. Some ways to do that would be to just walk around your city/locality/town aimlessly every day before or after your remote work time since there is no reason for you to stay at home beyond that time - have a step count goal - don't go back home until you hit that goal, treat yourselves to local food, make small talk with random strangers, get back on dating apps - meet people for fun. Staying outdoors, moving at all times or as much as possible can do wonders. Also, since you work remote, consider moving to a different place to work. Good luck.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#297You mentioned it, but I'll go deeper: the dog park.
In reality, this applies to any third place, but we'll go with the dog park.
I've been going to my local dog park nearly every day for the almost 14 years. Over time, I've met many of the best friends and best humans that I've known in my entire life. I have a group of regulars that evolves over time, and we're all good friends now. I also regularly see acquaintances who show up less often. This has been fantastic for my mental health.
So, again, this really applies to any third place. Go to church, a lot, if that's your thing. Join a bowling club and get deeply involved. Join a climbing gym and go all the time, and strike up conversations with people. Join a martial arts organization and get seriously involved.
The keys are to socialize and to fill up your time.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#298Earlier quoted context omitted.
> Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first. Err.... Are we talking about affording in time? Because from where I'm sitting once you have a bike it's free, where gyms need an ongoing subscription. Plus if someone (like OP) works from home, getting on their bike is likely easier and lower-friction.
> Are we talking about affording in time? Mostly weather. There are very few locations where “bike every day” is a reasonable statement. Consistency is key.
That’s a matter of clothing and determination IMHO :)
But sure, I get it. Personally I can’t keep up gym habits because the boredom is just overwhelming. I find other forms of exercise easier to stick at. Each to their own.
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#2991. This will be tough. That doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. 2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable. 3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression. 4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness. Again, that's okay. You will grow so m…
> You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. I think this is a very important observation. I've been through a divorce, and a friend made this observation to me, which I hadn't thought of, and it made a big difference.
Another plus one about grief. I went through a breakup that wasn't like the others, and it was a while before I understood I was experiencing grief (and that I actually didn't know how to navigate that).
I found a book called "Welcome To The Grief Club" by Janine Kwoh that was the right balance of humour for me. It's intended for those dealing with bereavement, and doesn't offer solutions, but I still found it useful for identifying patterns I was experiencing and understanding they were a "normal" part of grief. The brain does some weird things in grief. Only linking here in case it also helps others.
https://www.amazon.com.au/Welcome-Grief-Club-Because-Through...
Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?
#300Go to bed early. Firday after work stay in bed till Monday morgning. Enjoy 5 days of work. repeat.