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Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#291

Post by jpetso »

trendingwaifu wrote: post #36
shmde wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have you checked your vitamin D, vitamin B12 levels ? I am 25 and used to feel the same way. Not interested in things, giving up repeatedly on my gf/relationship, playing video games became a chore. I used to sleep less because of the stress of a very shitty job. Overall I felt like shit all the time. I read on the net that it might be because of a vitamin D deficiency. I took a medical test and it showed me that I w…

> playing video games became a chore Ouch. This is the one I identify the most with. I am, or was, a huge gamer. I used to play shooters, MMOs, and grindy RPGs and loved it. I could easily spend the whole day playing. Now I can barely play for more than an hour without feeling some kind of anxiety that I'm wasting my time or need to get to the goal as efficiently as possible. How can I fix this!? I'm already taking v…

As an alternative to the sibling comment's suggestion, you could try playing some non-grindy games. There's this general expectation that one doesn't get good value out of a game unless there's at least 60 hours of content and probably an ever-challenging multiplayer mode, but dump those AAA expectations and focus on just having a good time.

Pick an indie game or two with a well-defined end point, one that plays in under 20 or even 10 hours. See the sense of finishing and never going back to it makes you feel any differently.

If it doesn't work, you can still leave games by the wayside. I took several years of a break because I just wasn't feeling it, and ended up coming back to video games with a different perspective. It's all good either way, you don't have to force it.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#292

Post by garrickvanburen »

garrickvanburen wrote: post #258

Find at least one hobby that can give you a decade of challenge - whether that challenge is mental, physical, or both - and completely unrelated to you day job.

Nice byproduct of a small handful of hobbies - provides fodder for small talk.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#293

Post by josefrichter »

It sounds like early version of typical midlife crisis.

Many of us have been there, done that. It almost doesn't matter how "successful" you are. (after all, look at Bezos, he seems to be hit really hard with it).

35 is nothing. I remember "feeling old" when I turned 17. Then feeling old when I turned 25, wishing I were 17. Then again every couple of years. From some point I now keep telling myself "you are 5 years younger than you will be in 5 years, and 10 years younger than you will be in 10 years" :D

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#295

Post by cjmcqueen »

stonewashed wrote: post #256
dr_faustus wrote: post #103

I was in similar spot with around 30. My advice: 1.) Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at times, but obviously not being a loser having saved up half a mil in 10 years, you will probably find someone. Don't buy into that Hollywood "soulmate" crap. More likely than not there is already someone you know or at max someone one graph edge away which will be a perfectly fine partner for the rest of yo…

> I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore So do I. Unfortunately I don't have any and most likely never will (the wife can't). Combined with an unfulfilling job, this makes most days quite pointless and hard to bear. Personally I try to distract myself, not think too much about these things and just wait for it all to be over.

Not sure if this will help, but "giving back" or supporting those around you are some of the core ideas of having kids. I know it can feel hard when there are personal limitations, but I hope you can find someone or a group to invest in. I feel it really makes a difference in my life with similar limitations.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#296

Post by interfaced »

I just read a review of this book with seems worth a read for a man of any age. Take solice that you're not alone in the feelings of uncertainty, and good on you for sharing.

Pulled from Rob Henderson's email (which is not linkable sorry) http://us4.forward-to-friend.com/forward?u=412bdf6ca38cdf29c...

For most men, the life structure of the late twenties is fragmented and unstable. They’re unsure if they chose the right career path. The possibility of marriage becomes a more pressing concern. They feel aimless if they don’t already have a solid relationship, home base, and career path.

From here, men enter what Levinson terms the “Age Thirty Transition.” In the late twenties, men realize that if they are going to make a change, they must do it soon, otherwise it will be too late.

This change could be about their careers, what city to live in, whether to fully commit to their romantic relationship or pursue other partners, and so on.

Levinson writes that this transition is often stressful. He calls it an “Age Thirty Crisis.”

This happens when a man’s current life structure is intolerable, but for whatever reason, they are unable to form a better one. A moderate or severe crisis is common during this period.

The Age Thirty Transition often begins with a vague uneasiness, a feeling that something is missing or wrong in your life. At this point, men sense that they must either find a new direction and make new choices or strengthen their commitment to the choices they’ve already made.

For some men, the process is smooth. By 30, they feel their lives are reasonably complete. Still, it’s possible that they are not acknowledging flaws in their lives, which “often surface at a later time, when they exact a heavier cost.”

62 percent of the men interviewed in the book went through a moderate or severe age thirty crisis.

Levinson concludes:

“A stressful Age Thirty Transition was more the rule than the exception in our study...Many young adults as they pass 30 have serious doubts about the value and viability of our society and about the possibility of forming a life structure worth having. Perhaps every generation feels that its life problems are unique in character and severity—and each of them may be right.”

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#297

Post by jebarker »

xwdv wrote: post #237
readingnews wrote: post #196

I do not mean to tear down OP, but you are 35 and have $500k in savings. You lived in other countries, had startups and worked at a big company. You are not lost, you are one of the 1%. It sounds like you did a lot and now "normal" life that the rest of have to go through seems sucky. It is. I have years of experience, not 1/5th your savings, have not traveled and now I am actually too old for "big company" to hire m…

Although life starts for a lot of people at 35, I envy those people who are able to start much earlier. These are the people who have their first relationships in high school and college, find their life partner in early twenties, get the right job, a house, kids, keep their friend circle, invest money as early as possible, god damn. They live perfect fuckin lives and it’s all because they bravely jumped in and embra…

> They live perfect fuckin lives

Do they though? Everyone has their own demons to contend with and seemingly perfect lives frequently fall apart further down the road due to regrets and pent-up frustrations.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#299

Post by boneitis »

noduerme wrote: post #73

The main thing you're describing is not having a future . You're a bit young for a midlife crisis, but covid has forced it on all of us (I entered mine at 39 and covid just crushed it). And the world has changed a lot; a lot of the future we imagined has really been taken away - that is, it isn't available anymore, not because of something we did wrong, but because the doors have slammed shut. Just for one thing, hav…

Thank you for chiming in; I don't have the energy to compose my own top-level.

The OP is nowhere to be seen from my vantage point in achievements, but rather, I'm a stone's throw away from that one submitter last year whose circumstances and outlook were so crushingly bleak and who had absolutely nothing to their name.

I'm not going to pretend there isn't an ounce of "oh, poor me" here, but I think seeing it is crucial to understanding my outlook. I am the same age as OP, just weeks out from hitting 35. What they have in savings, I have less than a % in net worth. Also single, with no serious relationship for years (save for the fact that I've been talking to someone for the last some-odd months, we'll see where that goes). I have held jobs in small and big warehouses for mostly for 1-2 years each, for minimum wage.

No wife, kids, or residence to call my own.

Back at 30, I felt I had no future. How do I survive and live on?

Bearing in mind that question, something hit me (I don't know what exactly) when I then also asked myself: what if I pass on tomorrow?

I then started volunteering at the local women's center weekly (and have not been lately only because I finally have my first "real" job now as of a few months ago).

I'm reasonably fit, so I rose up the ranks (albeit still a temp in title) and ran the production lines at my warehouse jobs, sharing not only my sharpness through training people as oversee-ees but also all the warmth I have bottled up with each one of them as fellows I worked side-by-side with. Suddenly, it sucked a lot less to be stuck in my dead-end jobs. It wasn't hard to win people over when almost all the bosses and managers were being a bunch o' armchair dicks.

If I pass on tomorrow, I have already touched so many people and in turn enjoyed the blessings of having been touched back by every one of them.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#300

Post by pmarreck »

I turn 50 in 2 months. (I'm as surprised as anyone.)

I just had my first kid, a son, 7 months ago. He is amazing. But also, I'll be 70 when he turns 21 and that is terrifying. I'm hoping he keeps me young :)

A few years ago I ditched Ruby and went into Elixir. It's been amazing. I don't know what kind of self-limiting BS you're telling yourself but you sound like you're just in a rut and need to change your surroundings. Plus, 2 years of COVID is a drag on anyone's psyche.

I love gaming. Gaming's been better than it has ever been.

I also love EDM. Same story, the fact that recommendation engines know my taste SO well means I don't have to lose touch. I'm still listening to songs that came out a week ago on a regular basis.

I too have some money saved, and some early startup work has started to pay off. So I'm currently working on a business plan (very hard as I have some ADHD) to start a business, I think I have enough industry time to pull it off and I'd love mentoring people.

Find your thrill, sleep well, exercise, etc. etc. Make sure you don't have seasonal affective disorder. Good luck

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