Ask HN: How to be alone?

I've got value over the years from Desiderata. At once both economical and powerful.

I already mentioned this to @sillysaurusx but will post here in case it yields interesting comments.

https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html

I was in a similar situation. While I'm very much an introvert, the emptiness you mention became very strong.

I changed a few things to improve. I started riding a bike, and I joined some local casual bike riding meet-ups in the weekends. The meet-ups had a lit of new people each time as well as some frequent members, so I could usually choose between just riding along, talk to someone familiar or talk to someone new. After a bit I got some new friends this way which I met outside of the meet-up.

I picked up a couple of weekday activities. For one I went for something that interested me, but also was fairly casual and had natural dead time which allowed for talk. Bowling, darts, frisbee golf, that sort of thing. For the other I went with something that helped others. In my case they had an after-hours activity at a local school helping kids start programming.

I also played a lot of games before and after, mostly single player or just random multiplayer, but I ended up getting into a MMO and finding a guild. This became the primary place I'd hang out and talk about pork chops and broken blinds.

It wasn't a quick fix, but by working at it the emptiness faded.

A big difference was I had an office to come to with colleagues to talk to. We have a couple remote workers as well, and both of them have gotten an office space in a shared office building. This way they still get to eat lunch with someone or hang out by the coffee machine.

Best of luck and hang in there.

Being lonely is difficult. A lot of people will try to tell you that it is not or that you should be OK with it. Unfortunately, a lot of this advice is moralizing, the sort of "there must be something wrong with you if you can't be by yourself for long periods of time." This really annoys me. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with people! Being social is one of our most fundamental needs. But just look at all the negative health benefits loneliness brings about[1]. If you wouldn't be OK with a friend smoking 15 cigarettes a day, you probably shouldn't be OK with yourself being lonely for most days.

Humans are social animals. Yes, some people are not like this. But if you feel unhappy when you are alone, there is nothing wrong with you. This only means that you are normal.

That aside -- what do you do when you are lonely? "Easy": Go to places where there are people doing stuff and join them. Eventually you will make weak connections. Ask these people to hang out in other contexts. You are done. There are no tricks. The hard part is it takes effort and time - you need to show up over weeks or months, and following up with people outside of the event and making plans is effortful.

If you want one really targeted tip: I love pickleball. Unlike almost any other sport, pickleball has a community where you can just wander over to a pickleball court and join in with virtually anyone. Also, it's great exercise, so even if you don't meet anyone you like, you still got healthier anyways - it's a win-win.

[1]: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-human-beast/2023...

> Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first.

Err....

Are we talking about affording in time? Because from where I'm sitting once you have a bike it's free, where gyms need an ongoing subscription.

Plus if someone (like OP) works from home, getting on their bike is likely easier and lower-friction.

People remember your kindness. That’s it.

I’ve had several senior neighbours who passed away, after decades of living alone. We’ve always helped each other in one way or another and when they passed, in all cases I thought back about the last time we talked. In all cases the conversations remembered involved kindness. Either from then to us or from us to them and them being grateful. It’s what remains.

Giving kindness is most satisfying. It makes the receiver happy, but it makes you happy as well in a wat that kind of lasts. It’s an interaction that compounds on both sides. I think that’s why church groups, and mentorships, ans teaching, and advisory roles are satisfying. Teaching, giving, coaching all make life far more vibrant emotionally, and far less lonely.

Giving grows the pie, while zero sum games see it as affixed. Trying to compete in the latter will make you lonely. Trying to grow the pie in any kind of local community might make you see things differently.