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Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#281

Post by AnimalMuppet »

dom96 wrote: post #267
pjc50 wrote: post #238

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sometimes this makes it easier to deal with them. Do I respect this person's opinions? No. Is there any value in what they've said? Also no. So it's just another piece of spam, garbage, or trolling that we all wade through regularly with the delete key. (The downside of internet fame to anyone is that you will attract far, far more of these people, regardless of what you do.)

> The downside of internet fame to anyone is that you will attract far, far more of these people, regardless of what you do. Yeah... I don't consider myself to have "internet fame" but I suppose I'm well known enough in certain large communities that I've managed to attract these people. I've ended up leaving the communities where these people are active, but I have seen evidence that they continue to spout lies abou…

It seems to me that there are two cases here.

In the first case, the community is healthy. In that case, someone spouting lies about someone who isn't even there anymore is going to look rather odd, especially if you had a history and a track record there. It has a good chance of not getting much traction, and it might get some pushback from the community. In this case you have a fair chance of being able to successfully leave your reputation in the community's hands.

In the second case, the community is toxic. The lies are believed, and even amplified by others. Your reputation there is toast. You could go back and fight for your reputation, but if you did, you'd be likely to lose, and the attempt would eat up your time and emotional stability.

In either case, just walking away and ignoring it is about as good a strategy as you can find.

Note well: I am a random nobody on the net. I don't have a reputation online, except under pseudonyms, so I am talking about what I do not actually know. (Yes, I am aware of one person online who defamed my real-life identity. They were obscure enough, and their rant was obviously unhinged enough, that I felt no actual harm from just ignoring it.)

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#282

Post by CodeWriter23 »

One of the best things anyone ever told me, one of my old bosses once said to me, when I was frustrated and angry about a bug I created, “There are two kinds of experiences in life, winning experiences and learning experiences. And what you’re having right now is a losing experience.”

I subsequently learned to keep my perfectionism in check. As others here have said, honesty is the prerequisite to solving any problem, so please count your self-awareness in this area as a big win. Take your learning experiences in stride.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#283

Post by tezza »

1/2) “Just because you are right does not mean I am wrong”

There is a meme gif that sums this up perfectly

The gif in question has two figures discussing a 6 on the ground which is 6 from one person’s perspective and 9 from the other person’s perspective.

2/2) “I never make predictions, especially about the future” aka Acceptable choices at the time

If you did good work, and operated with as many of the facts that you had at the time, then that is a great outcome.

Not all the facts are known. Even when all the facts are known the choices may be a coin toss. Do not beat yourself up if a choice did not work out

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#284

Post by kcplate »

d--b wrote: post #232

1. Own up your mistakes. Write emails that say: "yup that's on me, sorry guys". This is going to turn your world around. Do it enough time, and you'll see your coworkers doing it too. 2. Try self-derision. "Oh man, I must have had too much to drink that night!!!!" or "yeah I got pretty lazy there...". Always very appreciated. Especially if the comment from the co-worker is intentionally snarky. 3. Try and be pre-empt…

> 2. Try self-derision. "Oh man, I must have had too much to drink that night!!!!" or "yeah I got pretty lazy there...". Always very appreciated. Especially if the comment from the co-worker is intentionally snarky.

Reminds me of my favorite code comment that I came across once…

“I burned one right before I wrote the block below. Now that I am no longer high I have no idea how it works or why, but it works.”

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#285

Post by shireboy »

I don’t take criticism of my work personally because I’m usually the one giving it.

I’m only partly being snarky here. I think constantly about how I should improve past code, why I shouldn’t have done x, etc. Self criticism is healthy and takes some of the sting from external criticism.

Beyond that, I think “lean into the punch” is an affective strategy. If someone says my code is crap I can either 1) fight them and try to explain, justify etc or 2) say “you’re absolutely right”. 2 takes less energy and deflates most reasonable people’s criticism, esp in person. Of course if the criticism is wrong then that’s harder and maybe not even appropriate. But even then, framing it as “a valid criticism, but Im balancing that against X” helps the person feel heard and likewise more likely to hear your reasoning.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#286

Post by dsr_ »

not_alexb wrote: post #228
pjc50 wrote: post #210

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But that's not under your control. Whereas your reaction to the criticism is under your control.

That probably flies straight in the face of neuroscience.

Not the internal reaction, but what you do externally -- what you say, what you write -- that's generally in your control.

AIUI, CBT's primary method is to convince you to pause between feeling and acting, so that you can ask yourself if you have made an accurate assessment of reality and can plan an appropriate response.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#287

Post by pm215 »

latexr wrote: post #262
dom96 wrote: post #190

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Assume positive intentions from the other person. This works well in professional settings, but falls apart in certain online communities. How do you deal with people that don't have positive intentions, but actually have the precise opposite intentions, i.e. they want to attribute any perceived problem with your work as it meaning you are a bad programmer. Not taking that personally is far tougher.

> This works well in professional settings, but falls apart in certain online communities. If you’re part of an online community where bad intentions are the norm, I’d recommend moving on to another. Why spend your time with a group that frequently makes you feel bad on purpose? > How do you deal with people that don't have positive intentions, but actually have the precise opposite intentions You move on to the thir…

Right; and in communities where bad intentions are not the norm, usually there's some sort of moderation/escalation path/group of people you can go to for a second opinion, to ask "am I misreading this, or is this person being unnecessarily combative/abusive/whatever?". Those people can then look at it from a neutral point of view and tell the other person "hey, knock it off/tone it down a bit/whatever", which is usually all you need if it is a "just having a bad day" scenario. Or if there's a developing pattern of bad behaviour they can take further measures.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#288

Post by player1234 »

The code is not yours. You are a hired gun and should do what you are told. I have a different opinion all the time about PR comments but I always do the "thumbs up" and change it if it is functionally the same.

The main criteria for code is does it work and some try hard will always want you to over engineer the simplest of tasks, let them have it, who cares. You should not let your job define you and be your whole identity.

Be passionate about your own projects, don't hang out with coworkers in your spare time and never attend a christmas party without overtime pay.

You are not your job so why care about PR comments.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#289

Post by bentcorner »

davidguetta wrote: post #217
kukkeliskuu wrote: post #148

What you have encountered is actually one of the necessary steps to really become "a senior developer". And congratulations, you have already passed the biggest part of that hurdle: becoming aware of the issue. There are things that are fragile, things that break when they encounter a shock. Such as porcelain, when transported. There are things that are non-fragile, things that do not break when they encounter a simi…

As much as i like the concept in general in life, in this case its just "you are not your lines of code". Also people who criticize people make a mistake kind of. Always criticize the code, not the person.

This is like the fundamental attribution error but applied to the self.

You wrote some bad code. You are not a bad code writer.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#290

Post by moffkalast »

davidguetta wrote: post #217
kukkeliskuu wrote: post #148

What you have encountered is actually one of the necessary steps to really become "a senior developer". And congratulations, you have already passed the biggest part of that hurdle: becoming aware of the issue. There are things that are fragile, things that break when they encounter a shock. Such as porcelain, when transported. There are things that are non-fragile, things that do not break when they encounter a simi…

As much as i like the concept in general in life, in this case its just "you are not your lines of code". Also people who criticize people make a mistake kind of. Always criticize the code, not the person.

Well it is not unlike criticising an artist's paintings. The things you make are a mirror of who you are because you use your life experiences, knowledge, and preferences to make them. By criticizing what you make, they are also criticizing you by proxy.

Now sure it depends on the type of criticism in question. Finding a bug or other practical problems obviously isn't, but talking shit about a way something is arbitrarily set up that the author thought was really neat would absolutely be.

This line of thinking also reminds me of how every time some actor or director or whatever is implicated in some scandal, their work is also tainted forever instead of being taken at face value for what it is. Can we separate the artist from their art? Is it even possible? I doubt it.

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