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Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

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Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#281
post #10

I don't have any idea why you think "a wife, kids" are out of the picture for you: after early adulthood, men and women are looking for someone they can see having a family with, and not for the more superfluous things in life (good looks, status or lots of money). At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardles…

> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardless of the gender).

And regardless, do consider adoption, even as a single parent. There are loads of kids taken away from parents who for whatever reason can't really care for them. Often there's a generational component: the kid's grandparent abused or couldn't support the parent; the parent ended up in foster care, exited out of the system at 18 with no support network, got pregnant, and can't really support the child. If they're not placed with an adoptive family, they spend the rest of their lives in foster care and repeat the cycle. You can make a world of difference.

My first marriage took a long time to resolve itself; by the time I married again, and we figured out that we were having fertility problems, my wife was "over the cliff" fertility-wise. We adopted a little one and he's been a real joy. You are wired to connect with children, and children are wired to connect with you; those circuits in your brain can't read DNA.

Obviously you need to get your own life sorted out first: lack of work and depression feeding into each other are major contributing factors to the problems the kids' biological parents have taking care of them. But get your head in the right space, a good support network around you, and a steady income, and there's no reason you can't be welcome a child into your family. Obviously having a partner can make the burden easier, but there were plenty of single-parent adopters in the "cohort" going through the adoption process with us. It's definitely do-able.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#282
Throwaway account

I am turning my life around and I am 46. I have taken the first steps to move away from the IT industry and my golden handcuffs - both of which I loathe.

I have mended the relationship to my wife - and mending it with my kids. All of which I love. A single signature away from divorce was turned around into a fruitful partnership.

I have left the big city in favour of rural life. The air is clean. The world is silent. My mind is calmer.

It is hard. Financially, physically and emotionally. But chopping wood at 6AM in a snow clad landscape, while the sun is coming up, is bliss. I am healing.

I have no idea about what I'm doing. I have no education in agriculture, no handyman skills, no construction vocabulary, can't tell plants apart but I am happier. Nicer to the kids. Patient. Bring my wife flowers. Chat with the neighbours who think I'm a freak. Laugh at myself. It's good.

It is not too late my friend. There are plenty of women. Many of them have kids but no husbands. Some of the kids have no fathers. There is a need for you in this world. There are people who need your love. There are people you need to love.

And yes, like all the other comments, go see a therapist. You're vulnerable. What a perfect start you're off to.

Small steps my friend. Small steps. You've got this mate.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#283

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men Finding a partner becomes hard, especially if you expect her to be 5-10 years younger. I used to be rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily. I'm 45, in good shape with a good job, but it has became much harder.

> rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily The good news for GP is I think for a lot of people what you consider to be much harder is just the norm.

Totally agree with this. I have an older (late 50's) gay friend who considers himself 'over the hill'. He talks constantly about how hard it is to find someone etc. However, by comparison to myself and my other straight friends, it's trivially easy for him to find both sex and companionship. Essentially it was so easy when he was young and handsome, he learned an aversion to trying. It's not so much that he doesn't know how, it's that he feels he shouldn't have to. As an average looking straight guy, I find his entitlement absurd.

Same goes for OP. I'm literally his age, don't own property, have less in savings (I don't work in tech), and consider myself both lucky and free. Also lucky not to live in the US, where other people's perceptions of your relative wealth seems much more important for dating / social life etc.

Perspective governs so much of how meaningful and rich our lives seem. I look at my family / contemporaries who have children, or have crushed themselves at a desk for twenty years and feel inestimable gratitude I didn't sacrifice my life on that alter. OP's problem is a long period unemployment and depression, not some kind of nebulous 'failure'. Fortunately it's readily fixable. 43 is not remotely 'past it'.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#284

I am 42, single, similar situation. I was in a pretty dark place around 38 or so. I happened to read "man's search for meaning" by victor frankl and it honestly helped A LOT. When we are young and nature is working for our benefit, we should search for happiness. Beyond that, we need to search for meaning. There are 2 meanings implicit and third one you can pursue. 1) Search for meaning is meaningful itself. 2) Human…

There are many answers to what is the meaning of life. Lacking some important aspects of life like family, career, etc. because of past decisions, or losing someone dear may put anyone in a situation where they question the very meaning of life and even when things are all fine we look for a purpose to make sense of things around us. Some philosophers look at this question and argue for passion, some inner peace. Frankl says one needs to seek their own meaning of life. Find whatever it is, make it meaningful for you and hold on to it.

If you are in a dark place do yourself a solid and try reading Frankl's book mentioned by OP. Reading about Montaigne's life (there's a recent bio book about him) may also help. Seneca's or Marcus Aurelius's writings will also help when it particularly comes to the issue of how worrying too much about things we can't control affects us. Every living breathing soul has their own demons and issues with life, you have yours so most importantly go easy on yourself.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#285
post #267

Start listening/reading Jordan Peterson Get religious. We are meant to have a story we fit into, this had been religion for every culture as far as we know. The modern atheist man is lost, nihilist, doomed in most cases. Depression is a way your body/mind tell you something is not working, that the things you are pursuing are not worth it (loose interest in everything) If you go into a religious practice, there is pr…

> Start listening/reading Jordan Peterson

Think Mr. P needs to get a handle on his own life before his advice can be recommended to others.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#286
post #10

I don't have any idea why you think "a wife, kids" are out of the picture for you: after early adulthood, men and women are looking for someone they can see having a family with, and not for the more superfluous things in life (good looks, status or lots of money). At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardles…

Second that.

I wish people would avoid not rejecting "it's too late for kids at 43".

The more implicit affirmation you hear on HN it strengthens that false belief.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#287
I think I can at least somewhat understand your position, despite still being in my 30s myself, and want to try and help despite my inexperience.

First thing, to answer the question in your post title: I know of people who have, I know many people who are in the addiction/recovery scene, and although I have a very pessimistic outlook on the chances of full/real recover for such issues, I do know at least a couple cases of people turning their lives around in their 40s from such problems. These were people who had a long list of criminal charges, absolutely no money, homeless/living on friends/families couches, very deep-rooted trauma and mental health issues, no healthy relationships, etc. People coming off of decades of heroin or alcohol abuse have to start at just about the lowest point possible. A small percent of people in that situation recover(as in getting and staying clean), and an even smaller percent are truly "healed" - to the point where they can prosper and gain inner wellbeing and actually prosper in life, but it does happen.

Even if it's only 2 or 3% of people in such circumstances, I don't think the outlook is as bleak as the numbers make it seem. That just means you have to be in the top couple % of people in how hard you work towards getting better, if you know the numbers then you know your goal - you have to do whatever those top 2-3% do, and then you will accomplish what they accomplished. In your situation, I'm sure the numbers are much better, as you actually have some money, some education and career experience, presumably less deep-rooted trauma and mental health issues, no criminal charges, a place to live, and maybe even some healthy friendships or family relationships (though I'm sure you have some unique problems of your own that complicate things, hopefully it's no so bad to outweigh all those other cons). I say all that to hopefully give you some hope, and also to give you some perspective that'll help you figure out what path you have to take to achieve the results you want.

Another bit of information that might give you some hope, is a quote from renowned psychologist Carl Jung, who famously said "Life begins at 40." He also talked a lot about "mid life" and how it often leads to a mental/spiritual crisis and results in deep depressions and/or intense anxiety. In his view this was part of the transition into the "second half" of life, and overcoming this crisis was a natural part of psychological maturity. I definitely don't have room to go into all of this here, but if you want to look into Jung's work I think it could really help you navigate this state your in(even if this mid-life transition isn't the primary cause, his work of course goes well beyond that and has helped so many people, including myself, recover from a state of suicidal ideation and meaningless existence)

The fact that you mentioned suicidal thoughts makes it clear that the problem is psychological at root - material circumstances can definitely make things worse, but people in a healthy psychological state can bear much more extreme troubles while maintaining a love for life. "A man with a 'why' can endure any 'what'" as another renowned psychologist, and holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl said (I'd also recommend his book, "Mans search for meaning" - ESPECIALLY for someone who considers themselves a NEET). That being said, I think a professional psychologist is indispensable in your situation, even though suicidal people are often the least motivated to seek one out, you have to find a way to make yourself do it anyway, and believe me I know how hard that is in some cases. It doesn't help that finding a good therapist is extremely hard, and extremely crucial, as there are so many practicing therapists out there who either won't click with your or are just plainly not competent enough to help others with serious troubles.

I have a lot of my own ideas, and have studied a lot of psychology from different schools, but I'm in no way a psychologist or a therapist so I don't want to impose my views without a disclaimer. Jung says that people who overcome their own issues, which always seem like the most difficult issues imaginable to the person in question, they come out the other side with an inflated sense of the capabilities and a desire to help others, with the sometimes incorrect assumption that what worked for them will work for others. Personal issues always require a very personal solution, but if you wanted to discuss more I could at least give any advice I have on how to find your own personal solution. I know it may be harder for you than it was for me, as I went through all this at around 28-30 years old and I still had the view that I had plenty of life ahead of me if I did manage to get better, but other than that I think I can relate to what you said in many ways.

Reply to my comment if you want to talk more. And if you have anything specific you want to say feel free to - if not I'd be happy to just spew out a ton of information about my own experience, how it relates to yours, what helped me, and what I think you can expect in the process of getting better and the many ups and downs you'll likely experience on the way; knowing in advance what to expect can help a lot as you'll know what setbacks are coming and when you face them you'll be armed with the knowledge that such setbacks are inevitable and you are that much closer to your next victory, and therefore to your final victory, it can also help to know roughly which rung you are on on the "ladder" towards recovering so that, even if it's still a long and daunting climb ahead of you, you'll be motivated to keep going by the realization that you are one rung higher than you were last week and next week you'll be one rung closer.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#289
dude... yes and i'll give you 3 examples:

my father: was bankrupt in the real estate crash of 1990. Started all over as a commercial mortgage broker not knowing how to do the business worth a damn and became VERY successful at it. Got lucky when a client wanted him to manage a bunch of commercial properties for him. He bought the properties from the bank, rehabbed them and sold them for millions. Retired off it, still does commercial loans for kicks but travels the world.

my brother: lost everything in a bitter divorce and worked jobs as a mortgage broker getting screwed over every steps of the way for YEARS. Finally landed a job with a bank doing loans for them and made a KILLING from it. Owns multiple houses and is VERY well off. Could retire today if he wanted at 47.

me: Had a huge issue with alcohol and drugs and lost everything at 39. Got completely screwed over by my business partner, fired from my 18 year job, got divorced and had to pay alimony for 4 years. Finally landed a wonderful remote job 2 years ago, met the woman of my dreams, moved in with her and have more money and security now then I have EVER had in my life. And to top it off I just celebrated 7 years sober in November.

Time is only perception... Fear is the only thing that keeps you from moving forward... You are stronger than you know.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#290
We're all on a different journey. Another recommendation, read the book "Bird by Bird." It is about writing, but I think it will help you put take one step at a time. You have to learn to choose small things to do towards your goal, and to feel proud of yourself for taking small steps. You can do this.

I'm sure many of the other recommendations have merit re: seeing a therapist. That route didn't work for me, this is how I live my life, bird by bird and it helped me go from suicidal feelings to being able to feel some pride and acceptance of myself and enjoy life again. I am in 40s

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