Ask HN: How do you start a startup in your 30s when you have wife/kids/mortgage?

I think what you’re really asking is how do I pursue my dreams, of starting a business, without putting my family in a tough spot and especially how can I convince my wife who doesn’t believe in startups (risks etc) that it’s worth a try because it’s important to me!

I think you personally know the lifestyle will dramatically change - even if you take the money / income out of consideration by raising a lot of money from the jump. The time commitment alone will change things!

It’s an incredibly difficult and personal and even somewhat selfish decision that requires you to get the family onboard to somehow support you since it will effect everyone.

This is in fact your first sale task, that you must try and focus on.

—-

Here’s my experience-

About two decade ago I was in your exact position- but luckily for me I had a side project that was showing promise but nonetheless it was a risky and consequential decision to make with a young family.

My wife at the time (hint) didn’t believe in entrepreneurship or startups for that matter. She was raised that a corporate/stable job meant success (which it does in may respects), whereas I was raised a hustler and I knew from age of 9 that I would be an entrepreneur. We couldn’t be more different…

The options were - 1) hold on to a job forever and live a missable / depressed existence (not good for everyone) 2) Somehow convince her and family (yes in-laws included!!) that it was worth the risk or 3) pursue my life’s calling without approval anyhow and risk everything.

Obviously, options #2 is ideal but for me it ended being #3 (after almost 9 years of trying) - which effectively ended our marriage. Regardless of the choice , it would indeed doubly suck if business doesn’t make it - so keep that in mind (failure is not an option mindset)

I’m not saying that’s all the options you should consider… but since you asked for experiences I thought my experience might help put things in perspective for you.

> I am pretty sure I would throw my marriage into chaos if I told my wife

Coming sooner or later …

Yeah, I'm living in one now. My rent is $700 for around 750 sq ft of space in a rather typical apartment complex; one bed, one bath, very safe area (it's a safe city in general), access to 1.2 gbps Comcast (I'm paying $30x for 300mbps). That rent will climb to $750 when my lease renews in 2023, but it's still quite reasonable.

Picked a random university city: Tallahassee, FL (Florida State University). Tons of apartments available across the city for $750-$1000. It'll also work for Gainesville, FL (University of Florida; although it's more expensive than Tallahassee).

You can do it in Blacksburg, VA (Virginia Tech). Although it'll push you closer to $900-$1100 on rent. Charlottesville, VA (University Virginia) is at the edge of affordable for this scenario, although that is also doable.

Lubbock, TX is pretty easy (Texas Tech). It'll work for College Station, TX (Texas A&M). Waco, TX (Baylor) is a bit of a mixed bag on crime, however it also works.

It'll work in Champaign, IL (University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign).

It'll work in Iowa City, IA (Iowa University). Also in Ames, IA (Iowa St).

It'll even work in Pittsburgh, PA. Which is both a mid-size city and a university city (Pitt, Carnegie).

The same goes for Madison, WI (mid-size city, with University Wisconsin). Although it'll push you closer to $900-$1,100.

It'll work in Athens, GA (University of Georgia).

It'll work in Manhattan, KS (Kansas State).

It'll work in Norman, OK (University Oklahoma).

It'll work in West Lafayette / Lafayette, IN (Purdue).

It'll work in Fayetteville, AR (University Arkansas).

It'll work in Las Cruces, NM (New Mexico St University).

It'll work in Morgantown, WV (West Virginia University).

It'll work in Columbia, SC (University South Carolina). Although the crime is more elevated. The same goes for Tuscaloosa, AL (University Alabama).

It even gets you pretty close for Ann Arbor, MI (University of Michigan). Rent will be closer to $1,100 to $1,200.

There are a lot more options, and that's just among the more prominent university list.

The only ones that typically won't work at all are high cost of living states like MA or CA, particularly affluent universities (getting anywhere near them in location), or smaller towns with few apartments (availability).

Well, my three brothers and I ranged from ages 5 to 10, so that's a good starting point. Then figure it's a bunch of long narrow hallways, which were wide enough for kids to run in, but narrow enough that you feel fast running along the walls. Low-pile office park carpet turns out to be perfect for traction when running in your socks at that age. And then M&Ms and vending machine stuff is the perfect treat for kids who mostly ate homemade meals.

I'm sure the two most uncommon enablers of the good experience were 1, there being four kids in the family to play together and, 2, my dad not worrying that we were going to cause a bunch of problems when left to run around the office.

He alluded to Musk's wealth being the only signal that may have diminished. His presence in the public mind has blown up more than ever as of late, so on that metric alone his success is growing. It would require a substantial hit elsewhere (like his wealth) to see diminishing success overall.