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Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

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Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#271

Post by muzani »

ttjjtt wrote: post #254

Have another kid within 2-3 years. Over the next 16 years you as parents will have hours to yourself every day while the kids keep each other company. Single children spend many more hours a week lonely and the parents have to be their sole family play mates at the expense of their own pursuits, relationship & energy. Adults will never be as fun or engaging a playmate as another kid. If you keep the gap within 2-4 ye…

I did this strategy and the kids basically were fighting for the first 4 years. With a third child, they actually learned to play together.

Our situation seems to be a little rare though. Most other kids seem to play together well (including me and my sister). It's just our oldest two having incompatible personalities.

But if you can afford it, I'd still recommend getting most of the kids at a younger age. Besides the biological/medical issues of having kids at an older age, you'll also have more time for yourself in your 40s.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#273

Post by muzani »

bennyp101 wrote: post #63

Don't worry if you think you are doing it 'wrong', you aren't - just because a book or person says that "the way to deal with x is y" doesn't mean it will work for your kid - everyone is different, and we're all winging it! As others have said, make sure you carve out time for yourself and partner - I know it can be scary leaving them for the first time - but seriously, you both need it and it will only make it easie…

> we're all winging it

My mother has a PhD in child psychology from Harvard. My dad did psychology at Harvard too. They never quite figured it out. The science gets the phenomena accurately - terrible twos, babies worried that their parents have disappeared, etc.

But it doesn't do a good job od telling you what to do. I think the theory actually gets in the way, because there are situations where something applies to 95% of children, and your child is part of the significant 5% which it doesn't.

But it's helped a lot to know that someone as educated as my mom can get it tough, that means winging it isn't so bad.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#274

Post by muzani »

thrown321 wrote: post #272

Enjoy every moment. Kids grow up fast. When they need your attention focus on them. Congrats! And just when you think you can't handle it the kids evolve (or well you do). Lastly, trust in the vulnerability.

Especially the first few months! At that point, you're their whole world. They'll be fascinated with your hair and fingers and such. After that, they play with toys and TV.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#276

Post by frogperson »

a couple things

1) Everyone says it, you won't believe it, but time goes by so incredibly fast. take pictures, take vacations, don't miss game and concerts. no amount of success will purchase those memories back.

2) let them stay up an extra half hour every night, but only if they read books. Buy they as many books as they want no questions asked. it will help their grades immensely. when they are too young to read, let them stay up only if you can read to them.

3) open a custodial brokerage account and deposit something every month into a broad market etf. it will make a nice nest egg by the time they are 21.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#277

Post by kazinator »

Markoff wrote: post #265
kazinator wrote: post #241

People who say "don't worry, it gets better" to new parents don't know what they are talking about. Enjoy the time when the baby stays put wherever you lay him or her down. and isn't climbing the furniture or throwing things.

sorry, it's BS, it really gets better when you can have normal night of sleep compared to newborn, man I hate newborns as father of two kids, first half year was definitely the worst part of parenthood properly raised kids also don't climb furniture or throw things or have temper tantrums in shop/restaurant, this happens to parents who key their kids do anything and then everyone has to suffer

What raising techniques do you recommend?

Say someone has a newborn; what should they do between now and three years (or so) from now?

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#278

Post by markus_zhang »

1. Get more exercises and build up some muscles. You will lose a lot of sleep and need to hold baby so good health is essential. This is the most important advice I can give you. Two months is not much but whatever.

2. Mother is going to focus 100% on the baby at least in the beginning so you need to learn to take care of yourself. Make sure you know how to enjoy life with just yourself.

3. Learn to do chores efficiently. Learn to cook stews and other food that can easily cover a few days of needs. If you are a very tidy person, learn to lower the standard.

4. Know how to drive to the closest hospital plus the one for delivery. Practice at least twice to know the quirks in Google Map. You don't have much time if there is an emergency. Actually, try parking there for once and know the way to get to the delivery room. Hospitals are like mazes, you don't want to play a maze game at the time of delivery.

5. Be mentally prepared that your partner will ignore you for a while, maybe a long while (years). Know a bit about Postpartum Depression -- this can happen to men too! I'm pretty sure I have it and are getting worse.

6. Send the news to parents, friends and such. Ask if anyone is willing to help. Your parents usually would love to help but in case they are not available ask someone else. Some friends can spare toys and tools, don't be shy -- take them!

7. Buy baby bottle warmer, some size 0 and 1 diapers, formula milk, milk bottles, etc. My brain is not working very well after two years of lack of sleep so this list should be much longer. Oh btw buy a warm blanket for yourself if September is cool. Sleeping on sofa without a blanket makes one's back uncomfortable.

8. After the delivery, follow doctor's advice, not someone else's. Some culture may have their own ways to "treat" but most of them are not scientific.

9. Save the phone number of the hospital (of delivery) so that you can call easily during an emergency (e.g. blood clot coming out).

10. Good luck. Hopefully you enjoy fatherhood more than I do.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#279

Post by bajirao »

Congratulations! Father of 18 months old girl here. Nothing to add really except to repeat the advice already given in this thread. Have patience. It gets tough on many days and remember that it too shall pass. Your wife will go through a lot of changes in her body. Take care of her.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#280

Post by markus_zhang »

itsmemattchung wrote: post #46

An honest reflection of being a father for the last 2.5 years: 1. Sometimes for no apparent reason, you'll start crying 2. Parenting is a constant cycle of ups and downs 3. Ask for help (it really does take a village) 4. Friends and family (even with good intentions) will always find something to nit-pick about your parenting style 5. Having a child will test your relationship with your partner and reveal that you tw…

Can relate especially 1, 2, 5 and 6. Probably the worst 2 years I have spent so far. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless they themselves really really want a kid. Basically my one liner is: Don't go for it if you have a slight doubt.

But who knows, every one is different.

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