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Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#241

Post by dkga »

latexr wrote: post #5

Kudos on the realisation and desire to improve. There are a couple of tricks you can use, especially when it’s asynchronous textual communication: Assume positive intentions from the other person. Imagine them as having written with a genuine smile on their faces. Don’t think of it as them versus you, but you and them together against the problem. That defaults ambiguity to the more pleasant side and allows you to re…

This is a very good response.

I would also add: consider the counterfactual where you didn't even make that work. Surely making a honestly flawed work beats the heck out of not even accomplishing that work after all.

Lots of other works are flawed, in various areas of human activity. Yes, it sucks when it happens but the only way we as individuals or as a species move forward is by concluding tasks that are not critically flawed - they don't need to be perfect.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#242

Post by emrah »

I feel this issue is most likely a reflection of the way your workplace measures and conveys performance. If in the back of your mind you feel your sustenance is at stake due to criticism, you'll never be able to take it lightly.

Ultimately looking at your overall performance (rather than individual bumps up and down in a short period of time) is the way to put employees at ease.

You can't fix how your employer measures and enforces performance but you can learn to evaluate your own work in stretches of 3-, 6-, 12-months rather than at the granularity of a single PR or a single mistake

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#243

Post by kukkeliskuu »

endorphine wrote: post #188
kukkeliskuu wrote: post #148

What you have encountered is actually one of the necessary steps to really become "a senior developer". And congratulations, you have already passed the biggest part of that hurdle: becoming aware of the issue. There are things that are fragile, things that break when they encounter a shock. Such as porcelain, when transported. There are things that are non-fragile, things that do not break when they encounter a simi…

This assumes all criticism is made with good intentions. However that is not always the case.

The criticism can be useful even if it does not have good intentions. Usually those who want to hurt you, know just what to say to hurt you. If the criticism is completely baseless, it often does not make you angry, as you can trivially say why it is baseless. So it often such criticism also has an element of truth.

If you are angry, it is difficult to discern what are the truths. So it is useful to approach criticism both from good and bad intentions both in the same way. In other words, by default, if you get angry, try to figure out what in the criticism makes you angry.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#244

Post by roeles »

gtirloni wrote: post #226
kukkeliskuu wrote: post #148

What you have encountered is actually one of the necessary steps to really become "a senior developer". And congratulations, you have already passed the biggest part of that hurdle: becoming aware of the issue. There are things that are fragile, things that break when they encounter a shock. Such as porcelain, when transported. There are things that are non-fragile, things that do not break when they encounter a simi…

> So you need to develop an anti-fragile attitude towards criticism The most common way I've seen this done is by becoming numb and not caring at all or thinking others are worth less than you so you shouldn't listen to them. Not options I'd choose for myself.

The knack is in detachment from your own views.

Numbing to me implies not caring, while detachment from your views can be born from caring about improving.

If you want to improve, this likely involves shedding some convictions you hold too close.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#245

Post by tbrownaw »

dom96 wrote: post #190
latexr wrote: post #5

Kudos on the realisation and desire to improve. There are a couple of tricks you can use, especially when it’s asynchronous textual communication: Assume positive intentions from the other person. Imagine them as having written with a genuine smile on their faces. Don’t think of it as them versus you, but you and them together against the problem. That defaults ambiguity to the more pleasant side and allows you to re…

> Assume positive intentions from the other person. This works well in professional settings, but falls apart in certain online communities. How do you deal with people that don't have positive intentions, but actually have the precise opposite intentions, i.e. they want to attribute any perceived problem with your work as it meaning you are a bad programmer. Not taking that personally is far tougher.

> i.e. they want to attribute any perceived problem with your work as it meaning you are a bad programmer. Not taking that personally is far tougher.

I know enough that I can tell if it's preference (say, linting style) or misguided (for example there's some wrong advice floating around that multiple returns are inherently bad) or something I actually missed, and in that last case usually how much of an issue it actually is and whether it's a new topic to learn or something I forgot or something I deliberately didn't bother with.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#246

Post by dp-hackernews »

An easy going, easy to read/listen, pretty short pair of books that I would suggest taking a peek at, by don Miguel Ruiz, in the order they were published, would be..

"The Four Agreements" https://amzn.eu/d/cB522Cj

and

"The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery" https://amzn.eu/d/3inVZsD

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#247

Post by ITB »

Even though we live in a world where it seems everyone shares opinions freely, that’s mostly just the internet. IRL most people won’t look at you in the eyes and tell you what you think. A healthy workplace is the opposite, where your manager and peers will proactively comment on the quality of your work and your behavior. This might be annoying at times, but you have to look at it like a gift. Most people aren’t at functional workplaces and go through life without ever being seriously chided for unproductive behavior. Or they think their work is higher quality than it could be. Learn to take feedback and you’ll be the best version of yourself.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#249

Post by Dwolb »

_popcornLurker wrote: post #207
kukkeliskuu wrote: post #148

What you have encountered is actually one of the necessary steps to really become "a senior developer". And congratulations, you have already passed the biggest part of that hurdle: becoming aware of the issue. There are things that are fragile, things that break when they encounter a shock. Such as porcelain, when transported. There are things that are non-fragile, things that do not break when they encounter a simi…

Uhm...I have to chime in here. "Anti-fragile attitude" when it comes to criticism is not built by tolerance. Quite the opposite actually. It is a common misconception. While making yourself numb against criticism IS a solution but not by far the best one. A high criticism tolerance is learned by understanding that ones self worth is not attached to output or delivery. (This is hard in our industry) It comes from self…

Agreed.

Another adjacent PoV is improvement, not complete, is the steady state.

What I mean is, throughout our entire schooling career we did work and turned in assignments that got graded. They were done. The work was over.

Our professions aren’t like that. There’s no done. There’s always improvement.

Therefore every piece of criticism, critique, or feedback has some data in it (sometimes layered in poorly worded phrases that can feel mean) on how to get better.

Your goal is to figure out what that data is and whether it’s valid, then act on it.

Re: Ask HN: How do you not take criticism of your work personally?

#250

Post by yieldcrv »

Think more about the consequences. Many times they don't matter.

But think about why this is common amongst engineers, the consequences seem to matter. Software engineers initially get clout from being right, that devolves into criticizing other engineer's code while the usefulness of being right tapers off very quickly. Many of engineers got into the trade after being told they were so smart and intellectual, and this incentivizes being correct and making correctness your whole identity (to the annoyance of others and all your interpersonal relationships). But this is not productive, there is a limit to the utility of this. When you get criticized by another engineer it might seem like there is a consequence, but often there isn't.

One way to combat this is to ask yourself what game you're in:

Are you in the money game? then perfection doesn't matter, you can make the most barely functioning antiquated software that powers the government and fortune 500 companies, and be protected by the state for your own fuckups.

Just remember that.

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