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Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

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Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#241

Post by Spoom »

kemiller2002 wrote: post #123
mradek wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How do u find a therapist? I’m a bit weary to discuss super personal things with someone I don’t know even if they’re a professional. How can I find someone I trust and is actually good? Not like the movies where the clock is up and ok next issue. My work offers a mental health service but I’ve looked at their TOS and no thanks. Sometimes I feel like just suspending the world background process and being still would…

If you have a doctor, I would start there by asking that person if there is someone they would recommend. It may take a few attempts to find someone you're comfortable with. The first session or 2 will be around both of you figuring out if it's a good fit. It may not be. Most therapists have a bio describing their approach to their practice and their beliefs. Remember, if you meet a therapist and you aren't feeling i…

If you go by your GP's recommendation, do not think that if you don't get along with them, that you won't get along with other therapists, or that there's something wrong with you. My GP suggested someone in the same building, and they... were not great, for me. The therapist I found on my own (through looking at reviews and whatnot) was much better.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#242

Post by CodeWriter23 »

mradek wrote: post #77
kemiller2002 wrote: post #4

You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…

How do u find a therapist? I’m a bit weary to discuss super personal things with someone I don’t know even if they’re a professional. How can I find someone I trust and is actually good? Not like the movies where the clock is up and ok next issue. My work offers a mental health service but I’ve looked at their TOS and no thanks. Sometimes I feel like just suspending the world background process and being still would…

> How can I find someone I trust and is actually good?

It's like dating. I think within the first 4-5 visits you'll know if someone is trustworthy and is giving you some insight. Note, they won't be able to give you the really great insights until you feel you can trust them, but they should be able to give you a couple of things to ponder / act upon even in the initial stages.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#243

Post by jimmytidey »

Here's a thought - through proactively seeking help by posting on HN, you just made it to the front page.

You got feedback from people across the world. Some highly skilled (and paid) people stopped what they are doing to help because they understand and want to help. There are a lot of people who want to help. Some have been where you are.

Most people on this thread are vastly more positive about your outlook than you are - some of them because of their personal experience. The only person who thinks you are completely stuck is you.

As many other people have said, even if everything else is too complex, you need to get a therapist. Use your savings if you have to. If it's not working, get another therapist until you find the right one. It will work.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#244

Post by throw1234651234 »

This is very specific, but I was able to get my father into shape in his 40s. He completely neglected fitness from 22-40 due to work, stress, etc, but he did have experience from his teenage years.

He is in his 60s now with a six pack doing pull ups to solar plexus, running, squatting with weight, deadlifting, doing push ups, etc.

The whole "old-guy fitness" thing is not a meme - you won't be setting records, but you can stay in shape if you eat right and work out (assuming no pre-existing conditions). He also doesn't spend more than an hour working out a day, if you don't count the walks.

He also got braces and it worked really well.

I don't want to get into other things like "Get into IT", because I don't know how really relevant that is anymore. There is also the question of "Getting your stuff together" vs "Having time to enjoy life", which is a whole separate discussion. Good luck.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#245

Post by soheil »

js8 wrote: post #29
kemiller2002 wrote: post #4

You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…

I second that, I would suggest move to a larger city and get a job and therapist there (looks like the OP is from Germany, which I would personally prefer to US). And regarding to life goals, wife and kids in particular, although I have decided not to have a family, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think there are many single mothers out there who would appreciate a stable and solid partner with 2nd inco…

I mean I don't know why people keep saying it's too late to have kids if you're 43. You could have a 20 year old by age 65, which is the time you could retire and have them move out after they get a job.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#246

Post by jfk13 »

yodsanklai wrote: post #131
necovek wrote: post #10

I don't have any idea why you think "a wife, kids" are out of the picture for you: after early adulthood, men and women are looking for someone they can see having a family with, and not for the more superfluous things in life (good looks, status or lots of money). At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men (well, at least making babies: bringing up kids does get a bit harder as you age regardles…

> At 43, having kids is harder for women, but usually not for men Finding a partner becomes hard, especially if you expect her to be 5-10 years younger. I used to be rather successful with women, was never single, always could find someone easily. I'm 45, in good shape with a good job, but it has became much harder.

If you'll excuse me saying -- and I may be totally misreading your comment -- it sounds like what you were looking for (and finding) so easily in the past wasn't really a partner, at least in the life-long sense, but rather a string of casual relationships. That's not at all the same thing as wanting a wife and kids.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#247

Post by ljsocal »

Seems like more good relationships would be helpful. One suggestion so to volunteer. With your skills, you could help someone struggling with math, literacy, study skills, etc. Helping others, I have found, surrounds you with encouraging, positive people and that’s infectious.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#250

Post by unyttigfjelltol »

Look, figure out the resources you have and use them.[1]

Don't worry about the past. Figure out generally what direction you want to end up in the future, and what tools you have in the present to move there. There aren't silver bullets. It's simply about healthy thinking, leveraging the tools you have, and making progress toward your goals.

[1] https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yokQ0_8__ts

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