Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

news.ycombinator.com

231–240 of 767 posts

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#231
I think there's two big aspects to this, based on your comments.

The first is the real and relatable challenge of making a major life change in your 40s. I'm 38 and just made the decision to prioritize my health and happiness over my career, but I can only do that because my career reached a tipping point where the stress involved in each additional dollar earned was rapidly getting out of whack.

So I asked my bosses if there's an opportunity to step down and find a different role, and we're working on that right now. I can't say if this will be successful, but it's a huge relief.

So that's the first side, I think: Recognizing that we all need work that aligns with our values. I don't just mean moral values, but in terms of what you value every day.

But the second part: You're clearly seeing only the negative right now:

"I have no skills" is utter nonsense. If your brain is telling you that, you need to tell it in no uncertain terms to shut the fuck up. That negative self talk will kill you.

Everyone has skills. You also have a degree (is that a Masters in Engineering or a Masters in English?), and work experience. I don't care if it's rusty. Those are huge assets.

Maybe you can't jump right into a $250k/year job. But you also don't need to flip burgers.

Focus on the positive. Focus on your strengths. Stop comparing yourself to others or even to your own past. Let go of those expectations. You may find you already have a great life, or that it's not that far out of reach.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#233

You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…

A therapist is helpful but I would also suggest seeing a psychiatrist. Clinical depression and mood issues need to be treated with medication. I would recommend finding a psychiatrist and get a referral for therapist from them if you are able to. You would be able to work together with both medication and theraphy to get better. It will take bit of a time to get better but don't be discouraged, OP. Progress will be s…

In my experience, learning proper coping mechanisms, finding new hobbies, getting better sleep, better diet, getting enough exercise, making sure your vitamin levels are in line, were all much more effective than medication. Medication actually made feel worse and more trapped, and I've taken almost every single antidepressant that can be prescribed.

What worked for me will not work for everyone. It's important to try everything that you can and see what works best for you. For me, medication was not the answer.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#234
My view: to start, spend half an hour thinking about the situations in which you feel happier or more energetic. Do you like exercise, driving, looking at a body of water, seeing friends, seeing family, etc.?

Then, build a schedule where you do those things. Additionally, try to refine what it is that makes you happy with those things. When you look at water, are you meditating? When you read, are you contemplating religious ideas, or coming up with imaginative fantasties?

Then you could go after that activity directly -- try meditating, try joining a fiction writing class.

Once you have a routine where you're feeling a little better, THEN do some thinking about things you might want in your life (new clothes, girlfriend, whatever). But first do the above.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#235
Not sure if you are in the US or not. But have you tried tele-medicine? During the pandemic, I had severe anxiety problems and I was able to find a psychiatrist through Teladoc. There are other tele-medicine providers as well. Everything done through the browser in video conf. If there are no therapists or psychiatrist around, I highly recommend it at least as a starting point while you look for an in-person professional.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#236
post #117

Yes. I turned my life around at 43. Single, obsolete tech skills, lots of debt, personal issues. Began with taking a genuine inventory of my life and how I function, not just how I felt. I picked a constructive and structured approach to that, which looked a lot like CBT therapy but was something else. It was a life reset, clearing out all the baggage. It was very difficult but incremental and genuine over time. Afte…

Very nice to hear! Way to go!!

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#237

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have found this to be a good, if somewhat unreliable way to find therapists. But it definitely is a real resource that shouldn't be sandbagged with downvotes.

And A decent therapist is better than an ideal one. Just getting started talking to someone is key.

It depends. If you're in a serious rut I seriously think a therapist could make it worse. You need the right fit who your brain is not going to dismiss the moment they open their mouth.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#238
post #77

You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…

How do u find a therapist? I’m a bit weary to discuss super personal things with someone I don’t know even if they’re a professional. How can I find someone I trust and is actually good? Not like the movies where the clock is up and ok next issue. My work offers a mental health service but I’ve looked at their TOS and no thanks. Sometimes I feel like just suspending the world background process and being still would…

Therapy being limited to a scheduled window of time is a big part of how therapy works. You're paying a professional for their time.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#239
One thing I'd start doing is start reading.

First I'd look into Stoicism. That will put you on a good path if you start practicing it. I personally like 'the little book of stoicism'. It's little but gives a good history of what Stoicism is and how it came to be, and also a lot of actionable advice.

From there I have a ton of other recommendations you can just dm me when you want them.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#240

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are in the United States, the following is a good resource: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists Also, read through https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/therapy/how-find-t...

I have found this to be a good, if somewhat unreliable way to find therapists. But it definitely is a real resource that shouldn't be sandbagged with downvotes.

To add another vote to the pile, I found a good CBT couples therapist this way. A year later it’s worked out very well.
Post reply on HN