Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#231

Post by mistadikay » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 11:14 PM UTC

Gym is great, but I would strongly advice going into martial arts classes, for examble thai-boxing or jiu-jitsu. You'll get a boost in self-confidence overall, but also will learn how to communicate with other people when being split to pairs for 1x1 training. That will help combating a lot of social awkwardness and inabvility to speak to new people.

Another one is: try getting into more managerial position at work — that naturally implies more communication, meetings, presentations and such, so you will learn by practice.

Speaking from personal experience, also being shy initially — still am but much much less, it is practically a non-issue anymore.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#232

Post by tootie » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 11:14 PM UTC

I know it's easier said than done, but honestly I think I'm a very changed person since I got married and had kids. For one, I'm no longer preoccupied with what women think of me and having kids as my priority just makes everything else seem less important. I can fail at work, I can fail with friends, I can slip on a banana peel but so long as my kids are fed and clothed I'm doing fine.

I was never horribly awkward, but I was definitely quiet and nerdy well into my 20s, but I also worked in the digital agency/consulting space which meant that advancing my career meant being not only client facing, but also doing sales pitches. That was some trial by fire and made me sweat pretty badly at first, but it didn't take too many go-rounds before I realized it's just not even a skill, just a confidence game. I'd done enough projects to speak with authority on things I knew well and to speak with confidence on things I didn't know, but figured couldn't be that hard. Eventually I was being asked to get on a plane, go pitch with a team of complete strangers from another office with a client I'd never met and I didn't feel even a bit nervous.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#233

Post by bag_boy » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 11:15 PM UTC

I realized that I was focused on myself a bit too much.

The next time you’re in a group, try finding out what people in the group like doing for fun/working on? Something positive.

If something interests you, dig a little deeper. If they’re really interested in one topic, dig a little deeper. You might learn something!

Hanging out with people can be fun if you’re excited to learn about their lives.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#234

Post by jawns » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 11:16 PM UTC

booboofixer wrote: post #213

jawns wrote: post #103

Not only was I awkward and shy -- but I was an extravert! I wanted to be around other people and got bored easily when I was by myself. But I didn't necessarily have the social skills to pull it off. So I was pretty miserable. What changed? I've thought a lot about this, and to be honest, while I would love to say that it was an intense, fulfilling journey of self-improvement ... I think what made the biggest differe…

> Then college came around I read a lot of such posts by people before i went to university, and boy was i surprised to find the reality can sometimes be very different. If there's any younger folks reading this, YMMV. > Then, after college, I entered the working world This is where it actually gets better, or at least it did for me.

I agree with you. One of the reasons why I think this happened for me in college was because I found some very accepting groups of people with whom I could unite around a common goal, in an almost pre-professional environment.

But there were a bunch of people on my floor freshman year who got sucked up into an entirely different social environment. They either pledged fraternities or sororities, or formed their own social groups that closely mimicked the ones they were used to in high school, which came with all of the expected drama.

So, advice for any younger folks: Just about every college has a student activity fair, where you can get to know all the clubs and groups and activities that are part of campus life. Try to find the ones that aren't 100% social, but maybe 25% social and 75% achieving some goal, whether it be putting on a musical or raising livestock or volunteering at a nursing home.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#235

Post by [deleted] » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 11:19 PM UTC

booboofixer wrote: post #213

jawns wrote: post #103

Not only was I awkward and shy -- but I was an extravert! I wanted to be around other people and got bored easily when I was by myself. But I didn't necessarily have the social skills to pull it off. So I was pretty miserable. What changed? I've thought a lot about this, and to be honest, while I would love to say that it was an intense, fulfilling journey of self-improvement ... I think what made the biggest differe…

> Then college came around I read a lot of such posts by people before i went to university, and boy was i surprised to find the reality can sometimes be very different. If there's any younger folks reading this, YMMV. > Then, after college, I entered the working world This is where it actually gets better, or at least it did for me.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#236

Post by kragen » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 11:20 PM UTC

Group therapy helped me to understand other people's perspectives on social situations, and learning how to listen has served me well in social situations as well.

Maybe the bigger change was that I started dating a very extraverted woman when I was 17 and she was 39, and so I started going to parties with her. That helped enormously.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#237

Post by dorkwood » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 11:20 PM UTC

I was quite weird in my younger years. I think it's because I thought the real me was unacceptable, so I hid my true thoughts and feelings and spent all of my time putting on an act.

I think the point things started to change for me was when I started listening to other people, rather than sit there worrying about what everyone thought of me. I stopped going into new social situations thinking "oh fuck, what am I going to say?", and instead thought "if I become interested in the other person and what they're talking about, an endless well of conversation will open up".

Through doing this, I got to know people better, and I realized that everyone is kind of weird in their own way. This made me more comfortable in my own skin, and more willing to share the parts of myself that I was ashamed of.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#238

Post by nitrogen » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 11:20 PM UTC

kaba0 wrote: post #189

akhmatova wrote: post #23

Throwing myself out there, getting rejected and snubbed otherwise slapped around a lot .. until I slowly started to figure out how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them. Among the things we learn is -- that we are much more "plastic" (and able to change by sheer force of will) than we initially thought. Things like hygiene, posture, clarity of speech (such that people can at least understand us) and…

I would be very interested in any tips regarding improving one’s speech skills. I am way too prone to talking too fast to the point where I have sometimes trouble forming words and any like “I didn’t get that” makes me more anxious increasing my rate of mistakes. But strangely it largely creeped up to me when I was around 20ish years old, while my teenage anxiety largely diminished.

Breathe in completely, breathe out completely, then breathe in just a little bit before speaking. The breathing out is the most important part.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#239

Post by eointierney » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 11:25 PM UTC

Oh gosh, you speak to myself. Don't do what I did (hide under intoxication, brazen it out, wait too late to ask for help).

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being shy or feeling awkward in company! As a matter of fact it's quite healthy, and a sign that you are sufficiently courageous to leave your comfort zone. We are, always, children.

Enjoy being shy and introspective, observe other people closely, make sure you are always kind and considerate, and listen. Other people are the best way to get over oneself.

Also, read philosophy :)

Go with love

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#240

Post by orzig » Sat, Mar 26, 2022, 11:28 PM UTC

dorkwood wrote: post #237

I was quite weird in my younger years. I think it's because I thought the real me was unacceptable, so I hid my true thoughts and feelings and spent all of my time putting on an act. I think the point things started to change for me was when I started listening to other people, rather than sit there worrying about what everyone thought of me. I stopped going into new social situations thinking "oh fuck, what am I goi…

I did the opposite by accident: I was fascinated by older kids when I was young, and they thought I was charming. Then in my 20s most people seemed repetitive, and I had some real social headwinds.

I'm trying to recapture some of that spirit, finding the interesting part of any given person's experience (which is rarely the topics that people small talk about). I'm not naive, some people are more interesting than others, but regardless you have to be intentional.