In my experience, if I am wondering if I am depressed it is because I am, it just happened slowly over time, like a frog boiling in water. I didn't realize it happened until the water was bubling all around me and I was doing things like crying in the bathroom, alone and scared. Please get professional support. Things are much better than they seem. You are on the brink of many founders dreams, but you are stuck in a nightmare. It will go away and you will find joy again. You've already taken your first step in finding it. Good luck. This too shall pass.
Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore
231–240 of 527 posts
Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore
#232Take a vacation, preferably to a beach. Use it to learn what processes at your company are dependent on you. Then when you get back, start documenting and delegating every process until you are no longer a critical dependency. Then take another, longer vacation. Sounds like you need one.
Beaches aren't for everyone. In burnout situations, I find going backpacking (mountains/hiking, canoeing in the Canadian wilderness) to be even more relaxing than a beach. None of these annoying humans that seem to be always present on beaches and at workplaces. And also none of the attention-sucking internet access.
It's a minor point, but there are plenty of beaches around the world that are pretty quiet people-wise.
Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore
#233pretty much been said here but..
1) Step sloowly.. It's easy to lose perspective here and make decisions you might regret later..
Case in point - worked at a company that was acquired for lots of $$$ - while the founder did well, his 'explanation to the company for selling' email basically sounded like someone whining about not being able to handle stress when essentially he was running the place 24x7 and could have easily structured himself at arms length.. and it was not a small shop at that point either with several 100s of employees.. I'm sure with proper perspective he could have done much much better (like, orders of magnitude, potential internet mogul, etc) in the aquisition.. Those who are buying are not your friends, and are looking for anything to maximise their side of the deal.. taking advantage of your stress level and 'need' for escape will be one of them, and this only serves to let the team down in the bigger sense.
2) This is your challenge now. The company is up, it's running, it's doing well. The challenge now is adapting. Apparently you're having some difficulty with that. Others have mentioned vacation and refactoring your role and therapy or finding better life stress skills. I think that is your plan.
If I were you:
a) mini vacation: a couple days (e.g. long weekend) as unplugged as possible, possibly with trusted advisors or so, to think of any/all things that could be restructured to relieve immediate short term stresses in the course of 1-2 weeks, as well as personal planning for 'c' If advisors present, present it as 'getting ready for the next stage' (if you do still end up leaving, this will only help the transition anyway). include in this some kind of expectation for a longer trip coming up, and how to manage during this time (others have mentioned this as a way for process inventory.. exactly)
b) implement the mini vacation plans during work in next 1-2 weeks.
c) do some quick hits in life structure while mini vacation plans are getting done: implement stress relief activites, reach out to a few ppl who can assist with venting/discussing in a constructive way. this would be the time for wife/friends/therapy/spiritual/healthy stress relieving hobby
d) Go on the longer trip. bring wife. rebond, get perspective, think of more in-depth ways to restructure your role going forward over the longer haul (e.g. 6mo-1y). Don't do this all day - make it a significant but not all encompassing part of your day. structure is key. also to see you are taking control of the situation - time managment here,getting perspective there, being 'in charge' yet not in the weeds, etc.
e) come back, implement longer term strategy. add further break at end of this, and revisit results. make another similar plan, resolve only to decide on the effect of the 1st 6mo plan after another period. (e.g. let your changes sink in).
not sure of your age/life experience but there could be other things afoot here.. e.g. you are dreading 'what's next' since life has been leading up to this moment and don't know what to do after, so better to 'take control' by quitting and then you don't have to deal.. the mind can play significant tricks.. so yes, hence #1 - redefining your role as accepting this challenge, and stepping carefully.
Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore
#234Earlier quoted context omitted.
1) I never said that women are the only ones who do this. I just said if she is the type who will support you. Nowhere in my statement did I say anywhere near all women are of type X. You seemed to assume I meant that, which I didn't. I know the value of a supportive woman. My girlfriend is MOSTLY supportive but I don't dump everything on her. Learn to deal with stuff yourself and you'll be happier. 2) It absolutely…
>blow you till your head pops Gross. Please practice better analogies. Edit: and the implication that sexual favors are the way a wife can support her husband... Geez...
It may have been crude, but his example isn't wrong. On the contrary is it not the case that sexual activity is recommended by therapists for stress relief?
Is he really implicating anything here or is this fitting a predetermined narrative you've conjured?
Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore
#235I don't understand why you're being down voted. Most women can't handle adversity, especially if she doesn't work and relies on your income. Two relationships ended due to me losing my job and essentially coming clean saying I was depressed. In hindsight, they lost respect for me. People say you aren't your job, but psychologically it really is.
> Most women can't handle adversity Hmm... massively sexist comment, and not remotely true. Two relationships is not a valid sample size to make judgements about "most women" and likely your hindsight is a bit flawed given your ideas about women.
Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore
#236Take a vacation, preferably to a beach. Use it to learn what processes at your company are dependent on you. Then when you get back, start documenting and delegating every process until you are no longer a critical dependency. Then take another, longer vacation. Sounds like you need one.
Beaches aren't for everyone. In burnout situations, I find going backpacking (mountains/hiking, canoeing in the Canadian wilderness) to be even more relaxing than a beach. None of these annoying humans that seem to be always present on beaches and at workplaces. And also none of the attention-sucking internet access.
>Beaches aren't for everyone.
Yeah, for me it's fishing or hunting...requiring a total disengagement from technology and (most) people.
Beaches are fun, but I wouldn't consider them a truly contemplative vacation unless it's some super expensive, exclusive, far away place...and like you said that's not for everyone.
Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore
#237First, talk this over with your wife. She deserves to know what's going on with you and you need her counsel and strength. Second, recognize that an acquisition is a change of life - that can certainly make one feel anxious and depressed, no matter how much you may have looked forward to this milestone. Third, nobody is indispensable. If you died in a car crash today, the company would find a way to continue. In your…
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Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore
#238> First, talk this over with your wife. She deserves to know what's going on with you and you need her counsel and strength. Only if she's the type. Many women, for better or worse, will NOT be happy to hear this and will silently freak out, assuming the worst.
Leaving gender aside, it's quite true that some personality types will react with panic or contempt when faced with such news. Perhaps a mix of both.
Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore
#239Take a vacation (even a short one) and maybe look into talking to a therapist. They can help you figure out where the clarity of your thought process may be caving a bit to the stress/anxiety of your job. I.e Working a wallmart isn't a stress free life. (Which isn't to say you shouldn't leave your job, it's just good to make that decision from a place of clarity rather than emotion).
Re: Ask HN: I don't want to be a founder anymore
#240Earlier quoted context omitted.
That's ridiculous. 1) that's an idiotic stereotype. Men and women both will react in similar ways. 2) Doesn't make a difference what "type" of person she is. They are married and she has every right to know (and voice her opinion on) if a big part of their financial future will be impacted by him feeling burned out. Hopefully she'll be supportive, but either way she deserves to know the truth.
He's not saying that only women can react in a bad way. Re-read the statement by replacing women with people and she with they.
So don't talk to your spouse because they might get upset.
Great relationship advice.