Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

221–230 of 368 posts

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#221

Post by BLKNSLVR »

ryandvm wrote: post #205

If it's any consolation, I'm in my 40s and I have 3 kids and I honestly have days where my burnout and anxiety is as bad as you describe. I don't think it's not having kids that is your problem, I think you're probably predisposed to having an anxiety disorder and you're going through your mid-life crisis. Note that I'm not downplaying the seriousness of your situation by calling it a mid-life crisis - the mid-life c…

Can vouch for post-40 mental weirdness that is probably the midlife-crisis instigator. My brother in-law, who's a couple of years older than me, went through something similar a few years ago that nearly cost him his marriage.

To some extent, my brother in-law's experience helped me get through mine because I was able to join the dots and identify my mental bullshit as coming from the same place as his, and try to avoid making the same mistakes.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#222

Post by negamax »

It's not too late for either of you. Check IVF. Quality of your sperm goes down with age, IVF can select the better sperm and fertilize with a good egg. Your wife still have plenty of eggs. You can take decisions around surrogacy etc. based on other health factors. But I personally know plenty of couples who are having kids in their 40s

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#223

Post by helloworld11 »

atwebb wrote: post #212
helloworld11 wrote: post #187

Taking aside all of your emotional concerns, you should know right away that women absolutely can have healthy biological children at or past the age of 39. Obviously I can't speak for your wife and her specific health or reproductive situation but in general, the idea that "the window has closed" is more often than not totally false. Look into this in more detail with real medical professionals. One interesting obse…

>Taking aside all of your emotional concerns, you should know right away that women absolutely can have healthy biological children at or past the age of 39. Definitely check with doctors OP, if this is something y'all truly want. I have friends around your age who are happily playing and traveling with their toddlers. They'll be older for some life events but also more settled (financially and emotionally) than I ev…

As I said in my own post, he and his wife should absolutely talk to a fertility doctor or even several specialists for their specific context. My point was that in general, most women can have children well into their 30s and even 40s, and that much of the claims to the contrary are based on absurdly old information. The link was for a general dose of optimism in case general worries about age itself are the main problem.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#224

Post by dougmwne »

At the risk of being overly simplistic, why not go have kids then? If your partner is unable, you can adopts or have a surrogate. If your partner is uninterested, you can find a new partner.

I don’t have kids and don’t plan to. I know my partner is more interested, but not interested enough to actually have kids. I know we love each other deeply, but if they wanted a family and I absolutely didn’t, then love would be to help then find that, even if it wasn’t with me. For however incredibly painful that would be, I just can’t imagine preventing someone I love from something so foundational.

And ya know, it’s the 21st century so monogamy is not the only socially acceptable available arrangement for people who love each other.

You really need to start talking to your partner about this. It’s dishonest to withhold it.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#225

Post by mjberg01 »

There are so many horrible takes in this thread.

Quit complaining and focusing on the past get to work trying to have fucking kids! Stop wasting time on HN and go start spending that energy to try and get your partner pregnant.

Plenty of women have kids up into their late 40s. This woman had 3 after 40.

https://www.todaysparent.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-health/i-ha...

You need someone to kick you in the ass to get your mind in the right place. I know plenty of women who have had healthy children at 45. Get off your computer and go get laid.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#226

Post by maerF0x0 »

kleiba wrote: post #151
andrewstuart wrote: post #65

You're 40. It's not too late. You have discovered it is the most important thing to you. So do it . Do it. Take the actions needed to do what you want to do. And if you choose not to take those actions, or if you find it too hard to take the needed actions within the needed timeframe, then be content with not having kids. To be brutally frank, it's likely that one day you will part with your current wife, and then yo…

> You're 40. > It's not too late. I second that. A (male) friend of mine was 40 when they had their first child and now they have three. More importantly: 39 is probably not too late biologically for your partner. A lot has changed over the last 20 years for late births. Find a doctor who's competent and supportive to help you along, you're not the first people to have children at that age. Turn your regret into a mo…

> A lot has changed over the last 20 years for late births.

There's still a lot of risks, particularly of disappointment, but also massively elevated risk of gestational diabetes and Down syndrome.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#227

Post by IYasha »

I know what you feel, man! I'm on your tracks right now (although, for a bit different reasons) and already getting scared.

I think kids are possibly the best investment you can make. But I'm always like "no, I'm not quite ready, not enough funds, no decent apartment, no time to have a girlfriend, etc.". Damn... you dug up my own fears once again. If you or your wife are having health problems, consider possible alternative methods. I've heard people had infertility problems solved by switching to healthy food and using tesla-like healing coil technology (really cheap).

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#228

Post by sw104 »

Solko wrote: post #128

Tech job conditions are the problem, not having kids. Do you want good reasons to not have kids? - The future for them does not look promising at all - Enjoy your life and travel anywhere, change job anytime, change location any moment - Sleep whenever you want - Use any drugs you want (even just weed is an issue with kids under 18) - Start any hobby or job any time you want - Buy an house without be worried to be ho…

These reasons are entirely on a person-by-person basis. Sleeping and drug use isn't going to sway somebody away from wanting to start a family.

Many people have no kids and still can't simply change their job, location, travel or buy a home.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#229

Post by OliverGilan »

A lot of comments here dismissing OP but I’ll say this. 1) it’s really not too late. You’re older than most that have kids but it’s really not impossible. You can have a surrogate or adopt or still try natural and screen for abnormalities. 2) I think it’s quite rude and destructive to dismiss someone who is obviously depressed because they regret an irreversible life choice they made by saying they need to find inner peace. By far one of the most crushing situations in life is the sheer reality that no matter what you do you cannot turn back the hand of time. Telling OP he nees to find inner peace and needs to learn about himself before he can even think of having kids isn’t very helpful. It sounds like he has learned about himself and it sounds like he realized he’s made a decision he deeply regrets and is faced by thag every day. Of course he won’t have inner peace why should he? I think in the long arc of a life yes he’ll need to readjust his internal narrative and come to terms with his life but if he’s depressed because he dodsn’t have children in his life I’m inclined to believe him and the logical conclusion is that having kids can help. It’s not too late and OP should explore all the options out there if he is serious about this.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#230

Post by [deleted] »

andrewvc wrote: post #178
comboy wrote: post #119

You're not gonna read all these comments, are you? Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids. It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some gir…

There’s some truth here, but the fact is we are all lost or deluded to some extent. The idea that we must perfect ourselves before we enter a relationship with others is common in internet advice and frankly wrong. One of the main ways we heal and grow as people is through relationships. Relationships test us and can be a vital mirror, showing us things that would be otherwise invisible. They are also an incentive to…

[deleted]
Post reply on HN