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Ask HN: How can I come to peace with the years I wasted on pointless things?

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Re: Ask HN: How can I come to peace with the years I wasted on pointless things?

#221

Post by friendlyHornet »

I am in the opposite boat

I spent most of my childhood coding (learning to code, working on projects and just messing around with computers), playing video games (mostly Half-Life and Portal mods and maps, and trying to develop my own source and goldsource engine mods) and studying (I was the teacher‘s pet and was always obsessed with my grades).

I am successful in my career but I often feel like I wasted my childhood. I wish I had more fun, I wish I played a sport or learnt a music instrument.

Looking back, my childhood was so boring and lonely

I often pass a football (soccer) field for a middle-school on my way to/from work and I feel jealous. I literally feel jealous of children

I often think to myself „if only I could go back in time“

I only made some friends at the end of my school days and in college, so my social skills suck

I am almost 30 and have never been in a relationship

I wish I went to more parties

I wish I had done something rebellious or bad when I was a child/teen

I am often jealous of my colleagues who are also software developers but had much better childhoods and generally normal lives, and even in software engineering, many of them are better than me

Yes, I spent my childhood coding, but I often feel like my skills are mediocre

Many of my colleagues who started coding in their 20s are much more advanced than me

I feel burnt out; my whole life seems to revolve around my career and I am Not evening that good at that

/rant over

Re: Ask HN: How can I come to peace with the years I wasted on pointless things?

#222

Post by aintmeit »

taxyz wrote: post #118
politelemon wrote: post #34

I have something of a counterpoint. I've been coding since I was 5 and I look back and wish I had spent time playing more games; I didn't and I missed out on some defining years which you probably had, and are probably taking for granted. I don't regret that however, instead it's something to learn from, and I now attempt to find a balance between all of them. Don't compare yourself to others, only that if you realiz…

Came here to say something similar and I was actually in a similar situation to OP. Was a 23 year old who felt I had wasted too much of my life already - had watched some sitcoms twice through already and while others had been programming for the last 10 years, I had been playing guitar. So what did I do? I swore off everything that wasn’t going to be “productive,” sold my guitars, and tried to spend every minute of…

Like the other user said, sounds like fiction although you would need to work extensively with an editor if you plan on collaborating with a publisher. While, there are self-publishing platforms yours would be one of thousands of submissions, many of which will wither in obscurity while hoping to be the next 50 Shades of Grey.

And you're right, the past is gone; however, it's interesting where you stand upon reflection. The loss of the girlfriend is not something you regret, yet the loss of your ability to play guitar is something you do regret. That is something to consider.

Re: Ask HN: How can I come to peace with the years I wasted on pointless things?

#223

Post by navjack27 »

bloqs wrote: post #208

Your generation is taught to be unreasonable in their expectations, this website is basically made up of prodigal children who all missed some substantial developmental milestones but who ended up being rewarded for years of interest in very specific topics. Bertrand Russell correctly stated that time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. If you have now decided you want change, then great. However, you have played s…

Knowledge right here

Re: Ask HN: How can I come to peace with the years I wasted on pointless things?

#224

Post by navjack27 »

One quick little thing that you might have missed from that interview is when Carmack said that he has never been predisposed to any kind of mood issues or depression or anything of that sort. So he already started this adventure of human life with better cards than most of us. It wasn't because of success that he was like this it was just because that's the way the dice rolled for him. So if you already have any sort of mental health problems that developed then don't try to emulate him 100% directly because you can't and you won't and you will just harm yourself.

Re: Ask HN: How can I come to peace with the years I wasted on pointless things?

#225

Post by lcall »

It is important to understand the purpose and nature of life, and know the things that bring real peace, growth, & direction, and help us overcome all our regrets. We will all have some, but what we do about them is imporant (and some matter, and I guess some don't, really). We existed before this life and will continue to exist after, which (for me at least) takes pressure off significantly.

Learning and service to others can come in many forms, whether or not one is religious, and they can bring joy that lasts. More at my web site (in profile, a simple site; click 1/2-way down on "Things i want to say..." then "purpose in life...").

Re: Ask HN: How can I come to peace with the years I wasted on pointless things?

#226

Post by wizofaus »

Maybe you shouldn't come to peace with it, and let that be what helps drive you to start following your passions in a more positive manner. I'm twice your age and haven't come to peace with the fact I've not made good use of my passion for writing music the last 20+ years - and hope I never do until something finally clicks and I re-ignite my drive to do so.

Re: Ask HN: How can I come to peace with the years I wasted on pointless things?

#227

Post by justnotworthit »

(1) Plenty of people spent their teens/young adult years doing drugs and getting into drama. WoW isn't "wasting" compared to that.

(2) Don't compare all-of-you to the individual best parts of everyone else.

(3) Who did you hurt to feel so much guilt? Some magical future self that you were "supposed to be"? This regret is a dillusion and self-inflicted torture that will only distort your view of the world and yourself, harming you until you drop it. There is "now" and how you act now. Free yourself/mind from the weight/lies/chains/whatever that you put on yourself. There answer is NOT "Step on the gas to make up lost time." Don't act out of neurosis. Find lightness and clarity -- not concerning the world (that will always be murky) -- but in yourself and your own decisions (don't live in constant second guessing.)

(4) To paraphrase: "When I was young, I admired the smart; Older, I admired the wise; Finally, I admired the kind".

Re: Ask HN: How can I come to peace with the years I wasted on pointless things?

#228

Post by Delk »

bloqs wrote: post #208

Your generation is taught to be unreasonable in their expectations, this website is basically made up of prodigal children who all missed some substantial developmental milestones but who ended up being rewarded for years of interest in very specific topics. Bertrand Russell correctly stated that time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. If you have now decided you want change, then great. However, you have played s…

> In terms of comparisons, John Carmack made some decent contributions, but you have zero insight into the costs of it.

Perhaps more importantly, John Carmack et al. are massive outliers.

Maybe there's some kind of an excessive cost to the prominent achievements, contributions and expertise of some of those people, maybe not. Many of those people have long-term relationships, families and interests outside of CS or tech. Linus Torvalds does scuba diving. Carmack practised judo and Brazilian jiu-jitsu at least at some point. I have no idea how much of a long-term thing that was -- lots of people practise a martial art or something else that sounds superficially non-nerdy for a few years -- and it probably doesn't say all that much by itself, but it doesn't seem to me like all of those outlier people just spent all their time obsessed with programming alone.

But to be able to have both great professional prominence in technology and a life outside of it, one would probably have to be both an outlier -- even more so than just for great success at tech alone -- and more or less lucky. For most people, trying for the former without regard for the latter would probably come at quite a cost.

Other than that, spot on.

edit: wording

Re: Ask HN: How can I come to peace with the years I wasted on pointless things?

#229

Post by leach »

We’re all living on borrowed time. And the past is immutable, the future is ever changing with too many variables to calculate. There’s nothing productive from regretting enjoying your youth. I’m around your age and got into programming as a junior in high school. I would program on the side and play video games with friends make movies et cetera. I loved all of it, i still enjoy playing games with friends though it’s not as frequent now.

You’re in college, enjoy it use it to learn computer science. People switch careers up later in life, you’ve got time and can do whatever you want

Re: Ask HN: How can I come to peace with the years I wasted on pointless things?

#230

Post by badpun »

friendlyHornet wrote: post #221

I am in the opposite boat I spent most of my childhood coding (learning to code, working on projects and just messing around with computers), playing video games (mostly Half-Life and Portal mods and maps, and trying to develop my own source and goldsource engine mods) and studying (I was the teacher‘s pet and was always obsessed with my grades). I am successful in my career but I often feel like I wasted my childhoo…

It's not too late, you can start catching up on these neglected areas (relationships, friendships, sport, parties) now. Otherwise, the feelings of regret might not go away, and can get worse with age. It's basically your subconscious telling you you neglected some important developmental milestones.

It could also be good to talk this through with a competent psychoanalyst, but unfortunately my impression is that majority of them are hacks.

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