Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#221

Post by obxw » Sat, Jun 26, 2021, 5:38 PM UTC

You're clicking 23. There's so much experience out there for you to explore. I don't know which part of the world you live in, but get in touch with the physical world, forget about the digital world for some time.

Forget Tinder and other social media apps, they don't bring joy or reason to live; you get someone to sleep with, and in the morning, it's the same feeling and cycle. Firget those apps. They are trash. You need to be active in the physical world based on your post.

My advice is relocate or get actively involved in charity works, get in touch with the physical world. That's what you need. I know the pandemic has made life more difficult and less physical, but get your shot (for prevention) and get active.

Remain strong, you'll overcome this phase.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#222

Post by skinkestek » Sat, Jun 26, 2021, 5:49 PM UTC

20 or so years ago I was around your age.

I'd just been told that the job I'd moved to that city for didn't exist. They had thought twice about it after last time we talked but they hadn't bothered telling me.

I got around $50 in the hand for the hassle.

I was almost broke and in a bad condition mentally. At one point I had to cross a rather large bridge with significant potential for jumping as I walked several kilometers back after looking for work.

I remember being afraid that I would jump. I was praying but inside I felt so worthless because of past mistakes that I hardly believed it had any effect so I ended up urging $DEITY to listen to my nice Grandma at least because I knew she was praying for us.

Point is not if it worked or not but that I was utterly hopeless.

My most realistic expectation about the future was that I could hopefully avoid doing anything criminally wrong or very morally wrong.

Boy was I wrong.

Many people are happy for me today and my life is awesome.

Was my life really that bad back then? Maybe not, but depression messes with ones brain.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#223

Post by the_only_law » Sat, Jun 26, 2021, 6:09 PM UTC

a3n wrote: post #102

23 is much too early to declare yourself a failure in life. That's the depression talking. "That shit ain't the truth." Just because you're not having the outcomes that you want does not mean you're a failure. Depression and feelings of inadequacy and failure are a vicious circle, because ... depression makes it hard to succeed. Depression also makes it hard to connect with people, and hard to stay connected. Depress…

> 23 is much too early to declare yourself a failure in life. That's the depression talking. "That shit ain't the truth."

See I want to believe this, but I’ve seen people in these sort of situations at later stages of life. I used to work with a guy probably twice my age. He was a software developer, but his career was a crapshoot because of circumstances and I suppose not understanding his options. He was never married, didn’t really have any friends, and in the time I knew him the family he had nearby was dying off. It was pretty apparent he was a lonely person and he used to invite me to just hang out and I would often oblige because nearly anything beats sitting in front of a screen mindlessly scrolling.

But it was always apparent to me that of the young people in the sort of situations that OP, myself or many others in this thread find themselves, at least some of us will become that person. Sure some, probably many will end up lucking out or embracing a sort of life style to escape it, but not everyone can win, and I’m not putting any money on luck.

I personally don’t like to describe myself as a “loser” as it tends to invoke a sort of societal caricature of some guy in a dead-end or no job, without a ton of money or luxuries who maybe indulges in some hedonistic activities on the side. Actually I’d much rather be that person because the ones I’ve known have actually managed decent relationships and have had interesting stories to tell. I have working the whole day and then going home to the internet, or perhaps a bar or club where I’ll drink too much and only ever arrange in very superficial conversations.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#224

Post by the_only_law » Sat, Jun 26, 2021, 6:15 PM UTC

spidersouris wrote: post #162

sodality2 wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

OP did not say anything negative about dressing femininely. OP said "sincerely evaluate your style of dress".

> feminine-milquetoast Doesn't seem negative to you? And what's exactly dressing "femininely" or "masculinely"? That's rubbish.

The funny part is neither GP nor the other green accounts invested in defending the point don’t actually expand on what that means. Come on man, if you’re going say something like that under the guise of advice it’s probably best to spell it out.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#225

Post by the_only_law » Sat, Jun 26, 2021, 6:24 PM UTC

infinityplus1 wrote: post #113

SkyMarshal wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Gaming can have positive and negative effects. On the positive side, it can sometimes provide people with a needed social outlet, at least if it's an online social game. It can also sometimes stimulate a mind that's depressed and lethargic, giving it a much needed jump-start so to speak which carries over into other productive tasks. Conversely, it can get you addicted to and dependent on quick and easy dopamine hits…

I usually download new games on my phone whenever I'm feeling bored. If the game turns out to be too good and addicting, I unintsall it after playing for 2-3 hours.

For me games are often just a more interactive version of YouTube or social media. Something to mindless do to occupy time when I don’t feel like putting in any effort.

I’ve scaled back on that quite a bit and it ofc just got replaced with items I compared it to in the prior paragraph. I still play games sometimes though, mostly because it’s a good way to keep in touch with some of my siblings who scattered across the country.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#226

Post by the_only_law » Sat, Jun 26, 2021, 6:37 PM UTC

pixel_tracing wrote: post #193

Hey OP. I don’t know you but I want to tell you I love you, I understand the feelings and pain. You are important so please don’t harm yourself. Things DO get better. Trust me on this, I had severe depression from late teens to early twenties, and things turned around after 24. I was also VERY late to the medication game, I was against anti depressants for the longest time because “didn’t want to mess with my brain,”…

> I was against anti depressants for the longest time because “didn’t want to mess with my brain,” I can’t tell you how wrong I was on that one.

I’m not anti medication, but wary. I was thrown into that game relatively young. It’s not fun when a decade later you find out that the developer of medications you were put on are being sued because they lied about potential long term effects to sell a little more.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#227

Post by [deleted] » Sat, Jun 26, 2021, 7:27 PM UTC

verylittlemeat wrote: post #201

meheleventyone wrote: post #155

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The advice does play into classic masculine stereotypes though. Almost like a movie trope where the hopeless nerd finds out he really was a cool jock the entire time. Throw away your nerdy shit, get ripped in the gym, learn martial arts and dress well. All that’s fine if that’s what you want but I don’t think it’s particularly aspirational for everyone. Even if elements like regular exercise and broadened activities…

OP is suggesting a starting place for people who feel unmoored. It's an anecdote giving him a formula to try on for size. The kind of person who has strong feelings about their sense of style (for example dressing more feminine) already has achieved a kind of center or "normal" for their personality that the person who posted this lacks.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#228

Post by freedomben » Sat, Jun 26, 2021, 7:48 PM UTC

norvvryo wrote: post #163

I'm 25 and struggling with a lot of the same feelings. These are some things that I've done that have helped to keep me away from the edge of the cliff. Drop mainstream social media and online dating completely. If you haven't been socially focused for a decade, comparing yourself to people who have is going to destroy you inside. The same goes for porn. Stick to drawings, and avoid anything that has a romantic plot.…

Talking to strangers is really good advice and a great way to improve social skills but also happiness. Talking to old men is also great advice! I have met some really interesting old men that I ended up really enjoying talking to even though I would never have thought I would.

With strangers you have a lot less risk because if you do/say something embarrassing it's easier to forget than if you do that with a coworker. People often tend to be nicer to strangers than they are their friends and family. Strangers will cut you a lot of slack.

You may also find that as you get to know "strangers" you may find meaningful and fulfilling relationships. I wouldn't recommend it with an outcome like this in mind because that's unlikely, but I know a person who met a long-term girlfriend by striking up a polite conversation with her mother on a bus. A similar thing also happened to a friend of mine with a stranger who had a sister that he later was introduced to.

Definitely get out to a park or a bar or something and talk to a few strangers.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#229

Post by rejectedandsad » Sat, Jun 26, 2021, 8:18 PM UTC

CTDOCodebases wrote: post #185

rejectedandsad wrote: post #115

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Here's my problem - I know there are lots of people having the time of their lives like the people OP is seeing on Tinder, except they also better at programming and doing math than me because they just seem inherently better . Basically everyone at Stanford and MIT is having fun and still making more than me - it feels like all of my hard work has been for nothing, and that at 25 I'll never even have a fraction of t…

Why compare yourself to others? You are living your life not theirs. You dont like your life? Change it. Investigate how much of your reality is a construct of your own mind. Why is being better than everyone else at math and programming so important for you? Why is it so important that you earn more than others? Why does it upset you that others are having the time of their lives?

> You dont like your life? Change it.

What can I do? I can't become more attractive like they are, most of that is genes. I'm already behind because I'm not white and under 6 foot. I can't become more intelligent because that's also mostly set in stone at this point.

> Why is it so important that you earn more than others?

I want to earn a number that won't make people pity me or think I'm subhuman like they do now.

> Why does it upset you that others are having the time of their lives?

Because i'll never have that. It's the never that upsets me, quite a bit.

Re: Ask HN: Words of encouragement for someone lost in life?

#230

Post by jerome-jh » Sat, Jun 26, 2021, 8:26 PM UTC

You do not need many friends in life: one or two is just great. I hope this is your case. If not you should contact an acquaintance, supposedly someone you met during your studies. It seems they are not too far behind for you. Propose to meet for doing anything that is permitted where you live in these pandemic times. Do not put yourself in a situation where you'd feel too uncomfortable, but definitely this requires an explicit effort. I am pretty sure you can think of someone you met in college with the same mindset as you, who hopefully is not too far from where you leave.

If you need to met new people, because you are in a place where you do not know anybody, I would suggest taking part to an art club - pick whatever art. People there tend to be more inclusive than say in a sport club. You'll find they think completely differently than you.

As for social media and online news, you are well aware they are very bad for the mood. As for sex, it is complicated for everyone. Those who have a lot of it aren't necessarily much happier or satisfied.

If my example may help you: I never had many friends (not even talking of girlfriends). I married at 30-something the sister of a friend I met in college. We are not on social media, we are only moderately social in real life, we do not travel, we often laugh. I am happy as much as I could be.