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Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

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Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#221

Post by ulisesrmzroche »

Eugeleo wrote: post #147
eight_ender wrote: post #38

Admitting I'm wrong or that I screwed up, and likewise praising others when they're correct or have ideas I agree with. You would not believe how much smoother everything at work is when you learn to recognize early the signs that you're holding on to a bad opinion, or that you're headed towards a fuckup, and just saying it out loud. The praising / agreeing thing is a bit more complex. I've noticed more recently that…

I've had an unhealthy fixation on my opinions/ideas, which usually resulted in me being overly emotional when they were attacked or disproven. I found out this has been a great source of frustration for me, and for the people around me as well. > Admitting I'm wrong or that I screwed up (1), and likewise praising others when they're correct or have ideas I agree with (2). That's what I'm focusing on, now. However, al…

The first thing you need to do is admit you are an idiot - constantly doing or saying stuff you regret forever, - and always have been an idiot, and will remain one in the future; probably do even more stupid stuff you will regret today.

Get it? This is the whole trick.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#222

Post by raxxorrax »

Being skilled or competent at something doesn't necessarily make you popular. One of the most important lessons I believe.

Aside from picking my battles, I am just myself. Never read a book about it and I am pretty skeptical about them in general. We have several psychologists, mostly training sales people, but I wouldn't say most of them are very proficient in being "people persons", only for people that fail to notice a lack of authenticity. That is a self reported assessment by themselves.

We connect some arbitrary skills for being in a leadership position. In an American culture a leader has to be confident and that fact is pretty much treated as a dogma. But how can you have respect for anyone that dances like a monkey may be a question that comes up in other cultures.

It seems to be often just about your character traits being fashionable. Many people can read a person after a while, so disguising your character won't always help you anyway.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#223

Post by snarf21 »

eight_ender wrote: post #38

Admitting I'm wrong or that I screwed up, and likewise praising others when they're correct or have ideas I agree with. You would not believe how much smoother everything at work is when you learn to recognize early the signs that you're holding on to a bad opinion, or that you're headed towards a fuckup, and just saying it out loud. The praising / agreeing thing is a bit more complex. I've noticed more recently that…

Introspection is life's one true and very real super power.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#224

Post by bjelkeman-again »

teekert wrote: post #196
throwaway848483 wrote: post #188

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are different levels though. There is complexity and tremendous ingenuity at any levels. It's just that the greater the level difference between two people, the less the interaction is fruitful for the both of them. Poverty might mean that a smart one may spend most of its brain power to make rent, instead of getting a PHD. Omnipresent marketing might have ingrained some ideas and dreams. People tend to stay in…

The fact that you are talking about a "level difference" reveals a very 1 (or low) dimensional look on things. Some people may be blend and boring in one dimension i.e. they are not "deeply self-aware people struggling with the boundaries of human knowledge". But they may have learned to cope with great trauma that would wipe others away. Or they have musical skills or their profession may teach you something (or are…

Thank you. I should do something like that more often. In general, when I get outside of my bubble, I find a lot of very interesting people. I just get so intensely involved with the latest project.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#225

Post by gentaro »

woliveirajr wrote: post #220
eight_ender wrote: post #38

Admitting I'm wrong or that I screwed up, and likewise praising others when they're correct or have ideas I agree with. You would not believe how much smoother everything at work is when you learn to recognize early the signs that you're holding on to a bad opinion, or that you're headed towards a fuckup, and just saying it out loud. The praising / agreeing thing is a bit more complex. I've noticed more recently that…

I regret praising others early in my career, being helpful and always looking for my mistakes. Those who didn't that got a headstart, went further, earned more, took some opportunities that weren't available to me and now, with more money, bigger houses, happier wifes and families, they like to say that they should have acted different in the past.

This is good advice. When it's hard to quantify competence as it is in our industry, arrogance is a huge advantage.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#227

Post by carvink »

mparkola wrote: post #37
aszantu wrote: post #29

Marshall Rosenberg nonviolent communications

I found NVC super valuable for opening my eyes to new concepts but challenging to implement in real life. When I tried it for the first time the other person got super angry because they thought I was making fun of them by asking about their emotions.

It does take some practice, and best not to overuse it. The book 'Words That Work In Business" by Ike Lasater is a very good guide to NVC in the business world.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#228

Post by snarf21 »

nprateem wrote: post #219
brokenmachine wrote: post #116

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Keeping pay negotiations confidential benefits only the company, not the workers.

It can help reduce jealousy between colleagues. How would someone feel knowing one of their other colleagues who just so happened to be a better negotiator is getting paid possibly much more than them, despite apparently similar skills/work?

The counter argument is that salary negotiation is a skill that all employees should develop, not just the newest code framework.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#229

Post by raxxorrax »

brokenmachine wrote: post #116
ajxs wrote: post #14

I learned the hard way to not underestimate how competitive and treacherous some people can be in the workplace. I was a long-term contractor in a large company and had an incident where I confided to another employee about some issues I was having negotiating my pay at contract renewal time. I never mentioned any numbers, just that a manager had previously promised me a pay-raise and was not honouring their word. Wi…

Keeping pay negotiations confidential benefits only the company, not the workers.

I disagree profoundly.

Source: I had so many discussion where someone complained about x getting a company car. I would not be in favor of them knowing the contract I have with my employer.

Companies can abuse this fact, out of question, but there are so many other factors involved, that it doesn't seem worth it to me.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#230

Post by have_faith »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

> feigning interest

I used to have a similar attitude to yourself. I have a lot of niche interests that most people I come into contact with have little interest in. I learned that having an interest in building relationships with people not built on interests has a vast amount of value that is not immediately obvious if you are emotionally distant, on the autistic spectrum, ADD or something similar. It wasn't until I purposely and thoughtfully corrected for it in day to day life did I appreciate these other kinds of values that I did not find intuitive to value before.

If you only feign interest, then you are not getting to know someone as they can tell you are not genuinely interested and they will not peel back any layers for you. The fact that the average person doesn't ponder subjects you consider deep does not make them shallow.

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