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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#211
Commit to the service of others. It’s not for their benefit, it’s for yours. Be amazed how much it gets you out of your head and into a place of healing. Get involved with a food bank (be the one who packs bags full of canned goods and rice, or who loads the bags into people’s cars as they drive through). A place where the same people show up each week to do the work. I’m not Catholic but your local Catholic parish will know where this is.

Then go meta: don’t just do the work, and don’t be looking to find people to become friends with. Ask everyone around you how their day is going. How their week is going. Say you’re sorry when they tell you about the hard week they had or their sick kid or their divorce. When those people need a ride somewhere, offer to drive them.

The rest may come if and when it’s supposed to come. Start by connecting with people and connect by trying to be of service, it’s for your benefit not theirs.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#212
"has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers"

Have you considered getting a second opinion on your meds? That sounds like a lot if that's 3 separate medications, and not without side effects which may be contributing to a lack of interest in interests.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#213
As someone who has been alone in some deeply dark places, I'll share what's worked for me - YMMV.

* You gotta force yourself out. There's no trick, you just gotta fuckin' do it. It's hard. It sucks. You've also gotta do it if only to make sure you're varying your day and creating the opportunity for chance encounters. I spent fifteen months bottled up alone and it was only through the good graces of friends that I didn't...yeah.

* Eat out more, specifically for the human interaction. Find a local restaurant with a good deal on food (like a happy hour), and head there once a week for a meal you didn't make, and to be surrounded by strangers. Even just a "Yes Sir/Ma'am" and similar pleasantries will help, weirdly enough, because it's direct human contact. If there's a trivia night, even better - Buffalo Wild Wings was my brief go-to for that sort of thing.

* You gotta learn to love yourself, somehow. If there's an aspect you don't like, set about fixing it. For me, it was weight and my soft skills, so I worked on both in the time I could with the energy I had. Being alone means if you don't like yourself, you're never going to be in good spirits.

* You're also not really alone, depending on perspective. Setup a bird feeder and just sit and watch it. Talk to the wildlife, silly as that sounds. Your pets help, but they're "at home", while the rest of the world is decidedly not "at home". You gotta get out of the home if you don't want to be alone.

* You mentioned playing games, and I'll add that's actually what kept me sane during those fifteen months of solo unemployment. I joined a multiplayer game server community, worked my way into administration, made friends, ran events. Gaming can be a form of community if it's intentional, i.e. not just joining random lobbies to kill time.

Look, as someone still single at 39 (but blessedly living with my best friends), being alone sucks ass. There's no way around that, even for someone who generally enjoys their solitude. Lacking the warmth and intimacy of another person is debilitating in a way nothing else is, at least to me, but friends do help in their own way. We cook for each other, share our days, treat one another when we're dour, and do what we can to lift others up. So maybe I'm suggesting you reach out to other friends you may have in similar boats, see if they'd like to spend more time together.

Beyond that, some life lessons I've learned since I had more folks come into my life, that I use when I'm feeling alone or lonely again:

* Go to a city at night, downtown ideally. I look around at the empty buildings, the changing lights, the abandoned sidewalks. I remind myself I'm one of eight and a half billion people, on a single planet in a vast galaxy, itself a small part of an immense universe. Weirdly enough, the smallness of being helps me feel less alone, knowing how lucky I am to be amidst all this, right now.

* After the above, I grab a burger and a milkshake, because I deserve it.

* Pop in some earbuds, go outside for a walk, and dance. Fuck the onlookers, just exist for a moment outside your home. Prove to everyone else you're still here.

* VRChat has been damn helpful. Pop on my headset, drop into an avatar that reflects me in the moment, and world hop. Nobody judges what you do in VR, provided you're not breaking instance rules, and there's so many people there to hang out with, all while staying home. It legit got me through COVID.

* Run a game night! Gathering around Jackbox from every corner of the globe for an hour or two of weekly shitposting also got us all through COVID. Just make sure to all be in voice chat or video conferencing to rib one another.

As tired and cliche as this is, the last point I'll say is that this is exactly what the prior phase of your life was: a chapter. Chapters have endings, and this one is no different. Prepare for the long haul, but hopefully you find someone - and something - better, sooner. You're not alone in being alone, but you'll remain alone only as long as you choose to be alone.

Get out there. Force social interactions. Build those muscles.

You got this.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#214
Try a few different CrossFit gyms near you; at least one is likely to have a strong social element. CrossFit is the closest thing there is to secular church, and most of the reason people go to church is for the social aspect.

CrossFit has its downsides (much ink has been spilled elsewhere), but the social element makes up for a lot.

You can easily end up doing 5-7 sessions a week there, with a consistent cohort of people that you develop relationships with.

Edit to add: CrossFit classes also add an element of structure to a daily routine that is not work related. This is really important. You don't have to plan anything for the class, other than show and and do the workout. But showing up at social event consistently has an impact all through your day.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#215
Forgive me because I'm maybe reading in too much, but it doesn't seem like you're asking how to be alone. It sounds like you might be asking how to deal with your new situation, which must be very difficult. If that's not out of bounds, one suggestion is to try what's called "rejection therapy." That is, make it a daily goal to go out and get rejected at something. It shifts something mentally and I hope it might be helpful for you.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#216
Leave your house every single day and don’t go back home until you’ve talked to 10 people you don’t know. Say yes to any social invitation you receive no matter how much you don’t want to do it. Never flake on anything.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#218
There are a lot of great comments here and I want to echo so many of them and not duplicate them.

There is one thing I'd like to add:

Learning to be happy while alone takes practice - lots of it. It's not easy, but it does get easier.

Learning to enjoy being along was one of the most important moments in my life, and it changed a lot of how I see the world now. I feel like this is up there with learning self-care that works for you - equally important and yet different.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#219
post #209

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One can take Be Your Own Friend a lot farther than just this. What would you tell your friend going through what you’re experiencing right now? What would you tell your friend not to beat himself up for? To push himself harder abouT?

Yep. You are your own best friend. Sadly most people are terrible a terrible friend to themselves.

I've also seen the reverse. Some people who treat me poorly have a terrible voice in their own head where they trashtalk themselves. It's like they see it as fair to do to others as long as they're not hypocritical about it.

Do you talk to yourself the way you talk to me? If so then you need to stop both.

When I was younger I was partly guilty of this and still occasionally catch it. But we are always more sensitive to vices in others that we police in ourselves.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#220
One thing you could look into is body doubling sites like flow club. It doesn't solve the core issue but might help in a small way outside of work hours. Outside of the internet I keep hearing that Pickleball is the most social sport around! Also have you tried hanging out and working at Starbucks (or similar) after some time (weeks) in the same place it's inevitable to start making connections. Also co-working spaces can offer connections, and they usually have various club goings on on notes on the pin boards etc. One thing I do know is that it takes quite a few times / weeks of time turning up to the same place for conversation to start. Hope this is helpful in some way.
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