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Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

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Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#211

Post by Schroedingers2c »

gingerdm wrote: post #33

Been exacly there when I was 25. Breakup after 5 years of first serious relationship, nearing the end of a phd. It sucked. I'm now 15 years past that and my life couldn't be better. This is what I did: 1. I got a new hobby involving regular workouts and which was somewhat social with new people. Never really did sports before that, but this really helped me from getting isolated from society. I found new friends and…

Thanks for your story, sounds quite relatable! I am planning to finish the PhD and put everything in the next 12 months and then probably move countries or even continents. Glad to hear you made it.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#212

Post by Schroedingers2c »

CodeWriter23 wrote: post #152

You didn’t mention this possible aspect of hitting bottom. I’m reading this possibility because it is part of my own history, and so many things are in common, toxic family, overachiever, living by default, girlfriend dumping me. It may not even apply to your situation but if does, this could be huge. That thing is addiction. If you suffer from addiction and aren’t willing to do something about it, then the reality i…

What do you have in mind with "doing something about the addiction"?

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#213

Post by dimal »

Schroedingers2c wrote: post #162
crazygringo wrote: post #89

> I've also started therapy 2 months ago, but it's going slow and it hasn't been very useful yet. My #1 piece of advice is, find a new therapist. Therapy isn't one size fits all. You need to not only find the right type of "modality" for you (e.g. CBT and IFS* are worlds apart, generally you want somebody "integrative/eclectic" who will combine the right modalities for you), but you also simply need to find somebody…

I have been with her now 4x. I have talked about my upbringing and that that is the motivation why I came to see her. Then the breakup happened, so the last two times we talked about that. Apparently she is specialised for adult children of complicated parents. And apparently next time we will do some questionnaire or something. So far we have only talked and she suggested one book ("iRest - Healing PTSD") which I st…

If you do have PTSD, I’ve found that somatic experiencing therapy has been amazingly effective for me. Talking about trauma only gets you so far. It sounds crazy and very “woo”, but I’ve found that trauma really is stored in the body in the form of held muscle tension. I found that I was literally physically bracing myself against the things I feared, 24 hours a day, every day. The constant physical tension was telling my brain “something is wrong” and no amount of talking about it would help dispel that feeling. Learning to identify where this is happening and how to release it has been invaluable for me.

I second the previous commenter’s opinion. Therapists all have their individual ways of seeing and working. What works wonders for one person will be a waste of time for another. If you’re not getting much out of it, keep looking for someone that can help YOU.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#214

Post by wonderwonder »

ianai wrote: post #129
wonderwonder wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Or marry a good person, raise happy kids and live a good life together. If you are not married and one partner makes significantly more than the other, what's to stop the wealthy partner just deciding 20 years into the relationship that they want a newer model and just leaving the former partner destitute? It creates a massive power discrepancy in the relationship. "Do what I want or I'll leave you in the street." Ma…

Losing half of their wealth and honestly rolling the dice on whether a new relationship would be with someone who would be with them through thick and thin or just another “fair weather friend.”

If you are in a relationship with someone where the concern is losing half your wealth after 20 years together then I would advise not marrying that person. I make about double what my wife makes. If tomorrow she said, I want a divorce, then she can take half of what we saved over the 20+ years together without any issue from me (assuming infidelity was not involved, if it was I would go scorched earth). Anything I earned was done with her support. She was there to look after the kids on the nights and weekends I worked late. When I was working until 2am she would often get up to check on me. We earned the money together. When I left software development for 5 years and took a 65% paycut, she was the one that suggested it, indeed she made more than me during that time. When I came back to software she wanted to be sure it was not going to burn me out again.

I very much understand that I sound like a guy that started a business, beat the ods and was wildly successful telling you to open your own business while ignoring the reality that most businesses fail. America stands on the shoulders of those that tried and succeeded though.

I understand that marriages fail and that people get screwed over. I know I have been incredibly lucky with my marriage to my wife. There is really no way to know and I always recommend dating and living together for years before thinking about getting married. We roll the dice when we cross the street. Everything is a risk with no guarantee of a happy ending. For me the gamble was worth it and has paid massive returns far outstripping any financial concerns.

With that said some people get shafted and I really do feel bad for those people. Dedicating your life to someone to discover they are not who you thought must be a devastating experience.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#215

Post by Schroedingers2c »

loss_throw_away wrote: post #150

Hi friend. This mirrors my experience closely over the last three months. Top grad school, close to finishing with a job lined up. She got a job far away after struggling for 6 months to get one. Since then I’ve been broken. No passion for grad school, or anything anymore. I quit therapy since it was so unproductive and expensive. Though I’m probably not the best person to get advice from, here’s what has helped me.…

Thanks mate! Hope you are doing ok, sounds like we understand each other.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#216

Post by eschewingmycud »

ianai wrote: post #12

This actually reads almost normal for a last year of a phd. But you’re in a phd program and probably much closer to complete than you think. I’d reach out to your professors about your misgivings about your research. Make it clear that you’re looking to complete the thing asap and need guidance. Forget the outside stuff. Relationships can wait until you’re done. Feeling like a failure or success is almost a worthless…

> Forget the outside stuff. ... Feeling like a failure or success is almost a worthless concern as you’re clearly nearly done with a huge life goal. ... Marriages are fundamentally just a societal complication of a relationship ...

Ungenerous translation: That thing that's been really important to you for four years -- just forget about it. If you stop feeling bad about it that you'll stop feeling bad about it. Also marriage is objectively a silly institution. Sounds like you'd like to get married. Maybe that makes you silly. Getting a PhD though -- that's going to change your life forever! You'll be proud! If you're not proud because you don't like your sub-field, well ... maybe that also makes you silly!

To the OP: Sounds like stuff's really hard right now. I'm sorry for that. Grad school is damn hard some times and relationships are too. If find the above advice reassuring or helpful, great! If not, try to brush it off and read other more supportive comments. I hope things get better for you soon.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#217

Post by aaur0 »

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult time you're going through, but please know that you're not alone. Many people have experienced the same sense of emptiness, doubt, and uncertainty that you're feeling right now. It's understandable that you're struggling given the breakup, the stress of your PhD, and your challenging family background.

It's important to give yourself time to process your emotions and work through your struggles, but please don't lose hope. You're taking positive steps by seeking therapy and trying to make sense of your experiences. Remember that progress isn't always linear, and it's okay to take things one day at a time.

Lastly, please don't forget to be kind to yourself. You're doing the best you can in a challenging situation, and that's something to be proud of. Remember that setbacks and struggles are a natural part of life, and they can often lead to growth and resilience in the long run. Keep your chin up, stay optimistic, and know that things will get better. One way to cultivate a more positive outlook is to keep a gratitude journal. Each day, write down a few things you're grateful for. This can help shift your focus from what's going wrong to what's going right, and it can help you cultivate a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the good things in your life.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#218

Post by weitzj »

You seem like well reflected. Personally what stands out from your therapy is that you get some advice on what to do.

I would not like such an approach and would change the therapist. It should be you who is advising yourself with the help of a therapist but not the therapist him/herself.

There are too many people out there who call themselves a „coach“. I would try to find somebody who studied behavioral therapy

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#219

Post by Schroedingers2c »

ROTMetro wrote: post #196

I've had a failed marriage and hit rock bottom all at once (including 5 years in prison, kids not talking to me, etc). For the relationship part, if you had a tight friends group, they would just keep you busy until the pain turned numb. We don't have that community always and have to keep ourselves busy. It sucks waking up to an empty home. I went from making my kids breakfast/packing lunches every morning, getting…

Thanks for sharing your story and advice! Hope you are doing ok now!

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#220

Post by Schroedingers2c »

Maro wrote: post #102

Hey man, don't worry, it will be all right! About ~10 years ago in 2012-2013, within a ~6 month period (i) my startup [1] which I've been doing for 4 years failed / we shut it down (ii) my wife left me (we've been together for 7 years), and a few months later told me that she'd been cheating on me. There was a ~6 month period when I was very depressed, sometimes I wasn't able to sleep for multiple nights in a row, an…

Thanks! Happy you turned it around!
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