I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time and that you've been feeling isolated and depressed. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and to reach out for support, and I'm here to listen and offer some suggestions.
First, it's important to address your suicidal thoughts. If you're feeling like you might harm yourself or take your own life, it's important to get help as soon as possible. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the US at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or in your home country, you can find resources through the International Association for Suicide Prevention.
It's also a good idea to speak with a mental health professional who can provide you with support and guidance. If you're unable to access mental health services in your small town, there are other options available to you, such as online therapy or teletherapy. These services allow you to meet with a therapist remotely, either by phone or video, and can be an effective way to get the help you need.
In terms of your long-term goals, it sounds like you're feeling lost and unsure of how to move forward. It's understandable that you're feeling this way, given all that you've been through and the fact that you've been out of the workforce for a decade. But it's important to remember that it's never too late to make positive changes in your life.
One thing you might consider is seeking out opportunities to gain new skills or education that can help you reenter the workforce. This could be through online courses, local community college classes, or vocational training programs. You could also consider volunteering or interning in a field that interests you, as a way to gain experience and build your professional network.
It's also important to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. This can include finding ways to manage your stress and anxiety, such as through exercise, meditation, or other activities that help you feel grounded and centered. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family can also be helpful.
I understand that it's not easy to make these kinds of changes, especially when you're feeling down and discouraged. But please remember that you are not alone and that there are people who care about you and want to help. Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional for support, and don't hesitate to seek out additional resources if you need them.