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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#211

Post by maerF0x0 »

deadbeef57 wrote: post #85
andrewstuart wrote: post #65

You're 40. It's not too late. You have discovered it is the most important thing to you. So do it . Do it. Take the actions needed to do what you want to do. And if you choose not to take those actions, or if you find it too hard to take the needed actions within the needed timeframe, then be content with not having kids. To be brutally frank, it's likely that one day you will part with your current wife, and then yo…

> Choose a good and kind trustworthy woman who you think would be a good mother. Make sure you bring the same things to the party. You don't need a perfect relationship. There are many women out there in exactly the same boat as you. Don't spend years not finding the perfect person. Find a good person on the same wavelength, get on the job. To raise kids (in a responsible good manner), you need a long-lasting stable…

> you need a long-lasting stable relationship with parents that are trustworthy and on the same wavelength.

Also this is an extremely western centric mindset. iirc the literature indicates that having 2 responsible well caring adults is a much better goal. That could simply be an Uncle and Grandma. If OP has a community/network of good people then it's ok if He/Wifey are not perfect.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#212

Post by atwebb »

helloworld11 wrote: post #187

Taking aside all of your emotional concerns, you should know right away that women absolutely can have healthy biological children at or past the age of 39. Obviously I can't speak for your wife and her specific health or reproductive situation but in general, the idea that "the window has closed" is more often than not totally false. Look into this in more detail with real medical professionals. One interesting obse…

>Taking aside all of your emotional concerns, you should know right away that women absolutely can have healthy biological children at or past the age of 39.

Definitely check with doctors OP, if this is something y'all truly want. I have friends around your age who are happily playing and traveling with their toddlers. They'll be older for some life events but also more settled (financially and emotionally) than I ever was at my kid's young ages.

Not trying to give false hope, it just reads like you personally decided something was true but that may not be the case. It does read like you may want to talk with someone, it is extremely helpful if only for voicing your ideas similar to here, most therapy folks I've known are very relaxed and just there to listen/help. Best of luck.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#213

Post by giantg2 »

The biggest thing missing in the post is why.

Why do you have anxiety? Why do you want kids? Why would you rather get cancer than not have a kid? Without some answer or investigation of these, we probably can't give you good advice. And these questions should be something your therapist is helping you explore already.

"I used to LOVE working and all things tech, now just make do and do bare minimum to not get fired. I 've gotten few promotions here and there but nowhere near my potential of where my career could've been. Everything is just secondary, nothing is interesting."

This can happen to people because they had kids too.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#215

Post by davidguetta »

nashashmi wrote: post #169
davidguetta wrote: post #145

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People change and so do relationships. Marriage was invented when there was no contraception and life expecancy was half of what it was now.. No one should be miserable for the sake of "being married".

married people change together. Their relationship changes together. Invented is such a terrible word. It was a contract. And within that contract was a place for love to grow without the idea the person was going to leave. And within that love was a place for family. Today some celebrate the inverse. Have family. Then love. Then marry. Then divorce. And leaves little to no safe place for any of the above.

> married people change together. Their relationship changes together

In some case yes. "Hope for the best, plan for the worst as people say".

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#216

Post by Buttons840 »

helloworld11 wrote: post #187

Taking aside all of your emotional concerns, you should know right away that women absolutely can have healthy biological children at or past the age of 39. Obviously I can't speak for your wife and her specific health or reproductive situation but in general, the idea that "the window has closed" is more often than not totally false. Look into this in more detail with real medical professionals. One interesting obse…

There's also adoption and foster care (which can lead to adoption).

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#217

Post by BLKNSLVR »

jlizzle30 wrote: post #206

New(ish) parent here. Two things: First, the bad news: lots of comments saying stuff like "Don't have kids to fill a perceived hole in your life". In general, the advice "Don't do ____ to fill a hole in your life" is good for frivolous things, but I don't think this applies to being a parent. Parenting is a biological and psychological life milestone. To me it's felt more like leveling up my maturity than buying or a…

Well fucking said.

I know your kid(s) are going to be raised well.

I think "helping people" as a general rule is a part-proxy to raising kids.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#218

Post by carapace »

If therapy only helps for a little bit go to a different therapist!

Try six or a dozen, try "weird" ones, just keep going to different therapists until you find one who works for you. Give each one time, a month or two max, but if they haven't been able to help you within a handful of weeks, move on to the next one.

There's a huge variety of kinds of therapy and therapists vary wildly.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#219

Post by pingpongrandom »

bhouston wrote: post #106
pingpongrandom wrote: post #99

IIRC, 42 is around the age where the window closes, at least, that's what my physician told me. Regardless, if that gap has closed, it may be some consolation to bring this up to your friends and relations who are on the fence about having kids. Everybody's chuffed to tell others about how they made the right choice for them. Rarely, does one hear from another with the courage to say "I changed my mind, and wish I'd…

Pregnancy success is women dependent (egg quality is the problem, and leads to increasing fertilitization and miscarriage rates) and start to drop at the beginning of one’s 30s and gets really bad in late thirties and near impossible in early 40s. Every women is different and some have earlier falloff in success rates. The moral of the story is don’t want until you are 30 to have kids. Have them young and it is easy.…

Thanks for adding this additional context!

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#220

Post by shagymoe »

Here's a hot take: Having children just might turn out to be the worst thing that ever happened to you. What if your child turns out to have a rare and horrible disease, characterized by constant pain and suffering and where you spend all of your time and resources caring for them? What if your child has a mental illness and is constantly unhappy and hates you until the day you die? What if you and your partner split up and your partner makes it their full time job to poison your child's mind against you? What if it turns out that you actually hate having children and they make you crazy? Regret can go the other way as well.
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