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Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

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Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#211

Post by satori99 »

geoduck14 wrote: post #51
lettergram wrote: post #4

My advice is to keep your parents moving for as long as possible. Motivation and exercise is what keeps people alive and happy. I once knew a 92 year old who benched 140lbs and who’s grip was a vice. He worked out every day for ~2 hrs. Was one of the most impressive things I’ve seen. All that said, perhaps ask them what they want? For instance, their motivation might not be meals or cleaning. Getting a maid or food s…

Keep moving! Yes! Also, emotional health is important. Many elderly people die of loneliness. If one parent dies, be VERY vigilant about getting the other into a situation where he/she has friends.

I watched a TV documentary recently that was making a serious attempt at addressing this problem in Australian society.

It was about older people in nursing homes who were sent to pre-school, with unrelated children a few days a week.

The effect on these senior citizens heath and quality of life was profound.

Old People's Home For 4 Year Olds https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13_rJVvxx_g

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#212

Post by geoduck14 »

spookthesunset wrote: post #200
geoduck14 wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Keep moving! Yes! Also, emotional health is important. Many elderly people die of loneliness. If one parent dies, be VERY vigilant about getting the other into a situation where he/she has friends.

> Many elderly people die of loneliness. Good thing society banned people from visiting their relatives in nursing homes and assisted living facilities. We sentenced the oldest in our population to die in what amounts to solitary confinement.

I don't understand why you are getting down voted. You are dead on.

My wife worked with geriatrics. She directly saw the impact of having friendly people around the elderly. Even if you aren't visited by your family, any visitors can help. The pandemic made this especially difficult. My wife worked to overcome this: she partnered with a local "sniff" (think: old people left the hospital, but they need some help before they go home, so they go to an old-people hotel) to have fun events where people from our church would visit the elderly and just have fun.

Please visit the old people in your life.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#213

Post by geoduck14 »

satori99 wrote: post #211
geoduck14 wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Keep moving! Yes! Also, emotional health is important. Many elderly people die of loneliness. If one parent dies, be VERY vigilant about getting the other into a situation where he/she has friends.

I watched a TV documentary recently that was making a serious attempt at addressing this problem in Australian society. It was about older people in nursing homes who were sent to pre-school, with unrelated children a few days a week. The effect on these senior citizens heath and quality of life was profound. Old People's Home For 4 Year Olds https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13_rJVvxx_g

Yup. I believe it.

Consider, also: not all old people are mobile enough to leave their home (or even bed!). They need friends and happy people.

If you work with elderly, please be friendly. If you know elderly, please be friendly to them.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#214

Post by lotsofpulp »

balnaphone wrote: post #208
lotsofpulp wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>My spouse and I sometimes wonder why so many people who could choose to migrate to the west still stay in India, Pakistan, etc. It is a reminder that those societies do a few things better than the west. After witnessing my mom waste her prime years caring for my dad's old parents, I pity other women (and anyone else in the same situation) who have no choice due to lack of economic opportunities and are essentially…

You must be very omniscient to be able to judge that her life was wasted. I pity others who are forced to go work outside the home, who have no choice due to lack of economic opportunities and are essentially forced to live as serfs. Somehow taking care of parents is a waste of life, but finding new ways to sling ads on the web (e.g. working at Google/Alphabet or Facebook/Meta) is not? I have spent about a decade of…

No, I just listened (or had to listen on trips to grocery store) to her commiserations since I was the only one she could vent to.

Slinging ads for Meta and Alphabet affords you the ability to go on vacation. My mom was not getting anything for cooking and cleaning and taking care of my non driving, non English speaking, non working grandparents. On top of my mom having to work and help my dad try and operate a small business. In fact, she regrets not being able to spend more time and resources after her kids because so much of her time and energy was spent after two 80+ year old babies (one grandparent died at 99, after 7 years on dialysis. Why the hell are we giving 90+ year olds dialysis? The other grandparent died at 95, but was 15 years younger).

And I saw what my aunts lives who had old and disabled in laws to take care of was like versus aunts who had young and helpful in laws. I have seen tribes that tilt too far in providing resources to the elderly and infirm, to the detriment of the young. I do not see any point in that.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#215

Post by erex78 »

ISL wrote: post #165

Based on personal experience, one might not know how much more pleasant a (good) elder-care living experience can be without experiencing it personally. It has been a godsend for our family that my parents were able to move into a retirement community that offers a progression of care. My Dad has progressive supranuclear palsy and requires relatively constant care, while my stepmother is better able to live her life…

Having been in a many Assisted Living buildings, I would echo this sentiment. Some homes are run by incredibly caring and thoughtful staff and could be the right home for a loved one. It's not for everybody, but as healthcare needs rise, it's definitely an option to be considered.

PS: check us out at augusthealth.com and reach out if this is a space you want to work in.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#216

Post by whateveracct »

My grandmother struggled with Alzheimer's for a few years until she passed. The entire time, she stayed with my grandfather in the house they had always lived in. There were falls, there were too many stairs, it was far too big, we all had many conversations about them moving out (which would've made the Alzheimer's worse.) They were both quite old (late 80s/early 90s)

I don't think anything wrong or tragic happened. My grandmother got to live her life out at home and my grandfather spent his time taking care of her until she passed away in his arms. He said he wanted to take care of his wife until he couldn't.

The only advice I have for you is the same I had for my mother (their daughter): Try not to over-focus on the living situation and all that. Focus instead on your parents. The end of life and death are crucial and beautiful and you don't want to miss out on it due to a cloud of worry. Be present.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#217

Post by oliwarner »

You can offset some of the risk in the stairs with simple aids, like a secondary banister, better carpet (no trip hazards).

Ultimately you'll need to employ in-home carers in increasing numbers unless you're going to give up work.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#218

Post by sleightofmind »

mindslight wrote: post #61
pelagos wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

classic hackernews response

If you think hacker news has a single minded strength of will, you haven't met an old man. Like seriously if your Dad is crawling up the stairs, he has already decided that He Will Keep Using Both Floors Of His House Until He Physically Can't Anymore. Apart from completely destroying his agency, you are not going to stop this.

Well said. I can tell you're speaking from hard-earned experience. To respect your aging parent's agency as long as their mental faculties permit is one of the greatest acts of love one can give to their parent. It might be hard to watch at times -- a single fall can turn a man who is a young 80 into a man who is an old 80. But our obligation is not to infantilize our aging parents, but to love, respect, and help them when it's needed. They know they're a banana peel away from the old folk's home or a cold slab. They've wrestled with, reasoned with, and made peace with the indignities of old age and infirmity. They know what lies around the next bend, and it ain't pretty. Respect their choices. Bad stuff happens to old people even when they are compliant with the wishes of those who would protect them. Give them their freedom and dignity even though it comes with risk.

I don't say you shouldn't reason with them, plead with them, and explain the dangers to them. But never forget to respect their wishes. They know what comes next and accept it. Do you?

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#219

Post by adamredwoods »

ISL wrote: post #165

Based on personal experience, one might not know how much more pleasant a (good) elder-care living experience can be without experiencing it personally. It has been a godsend for our family that my parents were able to move into a retirement community that offers a progression of care. My Dad has progressive supranuclear palsy and requires relatively constant care, while my stepmother is better able to live her life…

Experienced caregivers are incredible. And expensive, but worth it.

We started off by being completely unwilling to accept how my mother was losing her abilities. In hindsight, we should have gotten her a medical alert button way earlier. Eventually we started sending a helper every day to my mother's own house, then moved her to a full-assist home. Then hospice, then death.

It's difficult to plan in advance for these things. The only way to get reduced-cost services (in the US) is for the parent/s to become legally destitute and then each state is different on what services they offer (if any).

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#220

Post by sleightofmind »

whateveracct wrote: post #216

My grandmother struggled with Alzheimer's for a few years until she passed. The entire time, she stayed with my grandfather in the house they had always lived in. There were falls, there were too many stairs, it was far too big, we all had many conversations about them moving out (which would've made the Alzheimer's worse.) They were both quite old (late 80s/early 90s) I don't think anything wrong or tragic happened.…

Thank you for this comment. So beautiful.

Similar experience three years ago, including Mom's Alzheimer's, and falls for both. Dad lived long enough to see Mom out. It's all he wanted, then he was ready to go, and did two weeks later.

Couldn't agree more with the following line: >I don't think anything wrong or tragic happened.

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