211–218 of 218 posts
First, there are almost certainly many people like you at your university, feeling like they aren’t making any friends. By our nature we see the groups hanging around having fun, not the other individuals heading back to their apartments alone. Initiating relationships can be a risk to our egos, as almost all of us fear rejection. “What if they don’t want me here”, “what if they don’t come to my party”, “what if I as…
Thanks man, I really appreciate the advice on Halloween. I had kinda a niche costume in mind, do you think it's better to pick something people will know or something I can explain?
The important point is to get the OTHER person talking. I can't find it, but there was a comic strip where two people were in a conversation, but one kept talking and the other just said "fascinating! Tell me more". At the end of the strip the two separate and the talker turns to someone else and says "that man is a wonderful conversationalist!"
If you do a search for "being a good conversationalist" you'll find a lot of the advice is centered around being genuinely interested in the other person and letting/encouraging them to express themselves, not what you are saying or expressing.
Turn off your phone and put it away.
Then, when you're somewhere with a bunch of people, don't look at the big groups talking and laughing together. Look for someone all by themselves who looks even more introverted than you. Go over to THAT person and say hi. Make some positive comment about the event. "I'm really looking forward to the thing. I've really been interested in things since I was a little kid." Ask them their opinion, "What made you decide to attend?", "What do you hope to get out of it?", "What did you like about the thing we just saw?" "How did you get started in this kind of thing?" Be ready to give them more than a one word answer about why you like the topic.
Make small talk. Ask open ended questions, "What's that like?", "Tell me more about that thing you mentioned a few minutes ago, I want to hear more about that." Be ready to tell a few stories yourself. Talk, and also listen. Really listen to what the other person has to say, and how it makes them feel.
After you broke the ice, and there's a pause in the conversation, look for a third introverted person all by themselves. "Let's go talk with that person." Now you have a group of three. Keep your eyes open for people on the edge, and bring them in and up to date on the conversation. "Hi, have you met Huey and Dewey yet? Dewey was just telling us about a fascinating method of arranging books at the library".
It's not easy to reach out and say hi to a stranger. It's extremely difficult. You'll have to force yourself to do it the first few times. When you leave your room to go to an event, promise yourself that you're going to talk to at least one person at the event. Then do it.
It's kind of like learning to ride a bike. All the thinking ahead of time doesn't do a bit of good. You just have to make a leap of faith, hop on, and hope for the best. Practice small talk again and again, and you'll get better at it.
Ask people about their other interests, and make it clear that you want to join that other activity. "You go rock climbing on Saturdays? I've always wanted to try that. How do I sign up for that?" Then meet one or two of the rock climbers and find out about their other interests.
1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…
4) do this after you get home - don’t literally jot that stuff down in a notebook while talking to them. You may forget some details, that’s ok. The important part is that you’ll think over that interaction while it’s fresh on your mind. 5) (not saying that you specifically are guilty of this, just adding it for completeness) and wear clean clothes. This was a hygiene fail that I, a female CS major, was subjected to…
In winter I would dress before light and end up on bus or class randomly with an inside-out tee. This drove people crazy. I stopped checking myself because I met so many people that way who would have otherwised ignored me but felt compelled to tap my shoulder and tell me.
Sometimes you have to be different enough to stand out.