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Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

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Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#211

Post by world32 »

gafferongames wrote: post #120
lookathrwaway wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

Are you a sociopath?

Its possible. More likely is that this attitude is a defense mechanism for this person to feel better about their lack of emotional and social intelligence.

A stereotypical jock/lad will look down on guys who are not athletic or can't get girls and make fun of the nerd who prefers reading books and contemplating philosophy.

A stereotypical nerd (like the commenter here) will look down on guys who only talk about sports and girls and will write posts like this on hacker news about how dull these people are.

The reality is that all of these aspects of life are important. Knowledge is important for reasons which will be obvious to most HN readers. But so is sport - all humans need physical exercise, the body and mind do not function well without it. So are attractions to the opposite sex - do I need to explain how new humans come to being?

So to say that somebody is dull for wanting to talk about sports or kids is as narrow-minded as it is to say that your dull for wanting to read books.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#212

Post by Intermernet »

boohoojangles wrote: post #199
Intermernet wrote: post #198

Embrace being proven wrong. It's the foundation of the scientific method, but very difficult to do in reality. I now genuinely love being proven wrong. Smarter everyday and all that :-)

and realize that not being proven wrong doesn't mean one is right. A lot of times I just don't even debate with whoever doesn't want to listen.

"and realize that not being proven wrong doesn't mean one is right"

That's the other foundation of the scientific method. A thousand times yes!

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#213

Post by exabrial »

For the life of me, one thing I struggle with is pointing out issues that a non-technical person is causing. I think for the most part, engineers and the like are used to having their work critiqued and it's not a big deal to receive that sort of feedback; so being direct is the most efficient and frictionless path.

I continuously struggle with how to present that to a non-technical person. Being direct almost always invokes a self-defense response, usually redirecting towards a [legit] inadequacy of the speaker (which is fine, that needs to be received). But for the problem at hand, it is neither helpful nor my intention: I was trying to solve a problem in the best interest of everyone. It seems the response of most technical people in this situation is to just avoid it all together.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#214

Post by nekopa »

reeves23423 wrote: post #208
reeves23423 wrote: post #203

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> You would not believe how much smoother everything at work is when you learn to recognize early the signs that you're holding on to a bad opinion, or that you're headed towards a fuckup, and just saying it out loud. Doesn't this make you feel good but piss of the other person even though they may be wrong? On the other hand it never wears off if you don't let it out, but the problem is there are lot more peoples op…

Hello down voter care to reason. My question is genuine. I think the author has some point, but just that i could not get it. May be i should have asked to describe more which would have clarified my intent properly.

I think he is saying that if he is wrong to admit it. I can't see why the other person would be pissed off...

For example if I see that I made a wrong decision earlier in a process and I tell my colleagues that I screwed the pooch, it allows us to get back on track quickly and they would probably be happy that I admitted to my earlier mistake.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#215

Post by shoes_for_thee »

lookathrwaway wrote: post #77
whiddershins wrote: post #19

“How to win friends and influence people” is an absolutely wonderful book I wished I’d read 10 or 15 years before I did. Some important ideas - Just, get along with people. A bit reductionist but if you don’t place a high priority on getting along with people you certainly won’t learn how. It really is a habit, and it’s incredibly effective to remember the Cognitive Behavior insight that when you don’t get along with…

Throw away for obvious reasons. I find almost everyone intensely boring. How am I supposed to get along with people without feeling like a complete fraud? Small talk, feigning interest in kids, in sports, in wine, in whatever useless dull, pedestrian thing a coworker is into. I find that anyone who isn't a PhD (or could easily have been if they hadn't gone into industry) might as well be a paper shell. I can put on a…

It's less about sharing their interest in those things -- sports, wine, kids -- and more about being interested in the person:

"why did you find yourself interested in wine?" "what was it like having kids?"

etc. learning to ask very open-ended questions is really helpful here. you don't need to have knowledge of their interests to share in their interests.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#216

Post by profalseidol »

james_s_tayler wrote: post #124
technofiend wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes but it's 1 AM here. I'll reply in the morning when I can give a cogent answer.

When you wake - i'd love to read it too. I want to second the opinion that learning to build consensus is a very, very valuable skill. It's how a lot things really get done. I've never gone so far as to document things extensively or really need to, but it sounds like you learned some very interesting tactics on how to build consensus effectively because you were forced to. Not a fun position to be in, but if you cou…

One advice I've read/heard is to make sure to give everyone a chance to give his/her input and address any concerns. It should be done individually so everyone has space.

Should a decision be made that was not favorable to one individual, at least it was discussed and was given the chance to give his/her opinion.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#217

Post by ben509 »

Intermernet wrote: post #198

Embrace being proven wrong. It's the foundation of the scientific method, but very difficult to do in reality. I now genuinely love being proven wrong. Smarter everyday and all that :-)

The other skill that helps there is to not box yourself in by staking your reputation on a thing you believe to be true.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#218

Post by osullivj »

shostack wrote: post #66
technofiend wrote: post #55

I hate to admit it but one of my bosses taught me that building consensus is a double edged sword and it can be used as weapon. Up until working with him I naively assumed we could all get in a room, hash out our technical differences and agree to a solution. That only works when everyone is (from your perspective) not a bad actor. But how do you deal with an Executive Director who will bald-faced lie and say whateve…

Can you share more details of the situation? I'm curious what they were lying about and how you pinned them down.

"Executive Director" is a clue. That's a common title at investments banks inc JPMC, GS, MS. I suspect the story will recount political machinations typical on Wall St or City of London.

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#219

Post by nprateem »

brokenmachine wrote: post #116
ajxs wrote: post #14

I learned the hard way to not underestimate how competitive and treacherous some people can be in the workplace. I was a long-term contractor in a large company and had an incident where I confided to another employee about some issues I was having negotiating my pay at contract renewal time. I never mentioned any numbers, just that a manager had previously promised me a pay-raise and was not honouring their word. Wi…

Keeping pay negotiations confidential benefits only the company, not the workers.

It can help reduce jealousy between colleagues. How would someone feel knowing one of their other colleagues who just so happened to be a better negotiator is getting paid possibly much more than them, despite apparently similar skills/work?

Re: Ask HN: What people skills do you wish you learned earlier in your career?

#220

Post by woliveirajr »

eight_ender wrote: post #38

Admitting I'm wrong or that I screwed up, and likewise praising others when they're correct or have ideas I agree with. You would not believe how much smoother everything at work is when you learn to recognize early the signs that you're holding on to a bad opinion, or that you're headed towards a fuckup, and just saying it out loud. The praising / agreeing thing is a bit more complex. I've noticed more recently that…

I regret praising others early in my career, being helpful and always looking for my mistakes.

Those who didn't that got a headstart, went further, earned more, took some opportunities that weren't available to me and now, with more money, bigger houses, happier wifes and families, they like to say that they should have acted different in the past.

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