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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#201

Post by arcxi »

thuruv wrote: post #183
arcxi wrote: post #172

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't know if this list motivates anyone, it just makes me feel like I'm not worth being friends with and I will be forever alone, even though I do have friends. Seriously, do you only befriend perfect people?

disagree. I've felt the same after reading the same but I believe op tries just to point out that when you're the best version of yourselves, by removing the common denominator of bad versions, you'll be noticed more and that presents an interesting way for people to present a chance themselves to hear/see you. From there you get to go and may be, may be you find yourselves with a good friend. More importantly,Ithe c…

I'm all for trying to be the best version of yourself, but I think it's discouraging to tie it with the person's worth as a friend. Replying with "find interesting hobby" to the poster who explicitly wrote he finds it hard to find a hobby in particular reads like condemnation, as if until you don't lock in and check those boxes don't even try to socialize. Imagine you meet an interesting person, learn they don't really have any hobbies, and break off a friendship because of it - I'd find that psychopathic. Why should we foster this attitude towards ourselves?

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#204

Post by mastazi »

I would not just rely on situations that are explicitly seen as "dating", such as bars or dating sites.

In my experience joining an IRL group activity is what works best (volunteering, community service, church, local band/orchestra/choir, group lessons, team sports etc) - even if you don't find your future partner there, at least you can make a few IRL friends and you will feel less lonely.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#206

Post by silisili »

I'll speak from my own experience and not one of study or professional recommendation.

No matter how much I got out and about each day and night, I'd still feel 'alone' when I was home alone. I ended up developing panic attacks out of nowhere that got pretty rough for a while. In short, I felt like I was going crazy.

The only thing that helped was going back out and finding someone else. The process sucks, especially as you get older, but all my anxiety and panic attacks disappeared.

So I guess that's to say, it's possible some people just don't handle being alone well no matter what they try, as I've found with myself. I guess it makes some sense, humans are social creatures.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#207

Post by netule »

legerdemain wrote: post #199
djdule wrote: post #118

Ask yourself "Would I like to be friend with ". Then invest in things you do not like. Smile. Go to gym. Be friendly with people, but not creepy. Help people. Be good family member and friend. Get yourself good clothes. Find interesting hobby. Cook. Pay whole bill when you go outside occasionally. Do it for yourself, not for others. When you become best version of self, people will start notice you more and more.

I have seen this perspective a lot and I don't understand it at all. When I meet a stranger, I don't wonder if they exercise enough for me to befriend them. Same for their clothes-shopping habits, past some very basic threshold. Same for whether they pay for me. A lot of this advice for how to improve yourself so that other people like you comes off so incredibly vain, neurotic, and juvenile.

They reflect the traits that OP values in others; these criteria wouldn't be universal. I think the thought experiment still holds: If I met myself on the street, would I like that person? If not, why not, and how can I fix that?

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#208

Post by hsuduebc2 »

I had a very positive experience volunteering in retirement homes. The work mostly involved talking with the residents. Many of them often have no one to talk to and very little happening in their lives, so almost any conversation is interesting to them. You can learn a lot from them, have someone genuinely interested in you, and do a good deed at the same time.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#209

Post by jadbox »

hinkley wrote: post #155
djdule wrote: post #118

Ask yourself "Would I like to be friend with ". Then invest in things you do not like. Smile. Go to gym. Be friendly with people, but not creepy. Help people. Be good family member and friend. Get yourself good clothes. Find interesting hobby. Cook. Pay whole bill when you go outside occasionally. Do it for yourself, not for others. When you become best version of self, people will start notice you more and more.

One can take Be Your Own Friend a lot farther than just this. What would you tell your friend going through what you’re experiencing right now? What would you tell your friend not to beat himself up for? To push himself harder abouT?

Yep. You are your own best friend. Sadly most people are terrible a terrible friend to themselves.
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