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Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

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Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#201

Post by bakuninsbart »

philliphaydon wrote: post #186
RyanOD wrote: post #140

I'm sure some of this was already mentioned, but here it goes... Read to your children. We set a goal of reading 100 novels to our daughters. We're at #80 and the girls are 13 and 11. Create some traditions. Whenever either of our daughters lost a tooth, I'd write a letter from the tooth fairy. The letters offered advice, humor, fairy "facts" and even maps to buried treasure they could go dig up. In retrospect, I wis…

> Read to your children. I’ve been reading to my daughter since she was about 1 year 6 months. She’s 3 years 9 months now. It’s at the point that if she’s naughty I just say. Please pick up your toys or there won’t be a bed time story. And they are picked up quickly! She doesn’t want to miss out on story time.

She's in the right age for my absolutely favourite kids book: "The three little wolves and the big bad pig". I'm in my 30s now, and still think very fondly back to this book, love showing it to my niece and other kiddos.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#202

Post by dtgriscom »

I'll be duplicating others' advice, but such is life:

- Separate your own issues from your child's. You will react strongly and unreasonably to events; work hard to understand when that happens and own it.

- Learn who your child is. Every child is different, and if you try to fit them into some standard mold it won't end well for either of you.

- Be open to being embarrassed at the grocery store.

- You will mess up. When you do so, own it and move on.

- When infuriated by your child, remember Robin Williams' line from "Night at the Museum": "Who's evolved?" [0]

- Be a safe harbor for your child. If they come to you with a problem, never make them regret it.

- When/if you have a second child, don't compare them. They're different people at different stages of their lives, and will need different approaches, care, and levels of patience.

[0] https://clip.cafe/night-at-the-museum-2006/no-hard-feelings-...

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#203

Post by CuriousSkeptic »

dctoedt wrote: post #113

Something I wish I'd learned much sooner: From birth, be unfailingly patient, warm, and loving with the little bugger, no matter how frustrated you might be feeling. Matter-of-factly communicating unhappiness with him* is fine, but never, ever get angry with him — when he's "misbehaving," talking back, etc., it's because his brain and its "programming" are still developing and he doesn't have nearly as much control a…

> be unfailingly patient

In concrete terms. When being late for work and getting the kid to daycare and they just absolutely insist they cant leave without having correct coloured socks.

Take a deep breath. Realise that that work probably can wait an hour, and that being heard and getting needs respected probably is much more important for your kid, and the colour of the socks might actually not be the real issue if you just take the time to figure it out

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#204

Post by wingtw »

sparrish wrote: post #114
Freak_NL wrote: post #60

Not mentioned here yet, as this should be a no-brainer to most people, but if you're American and it's a boy: don't start his life by cutting of a perfectly good piece of penis (i.e., circumcision). That's his call, optionally (but probably not, rare medical conditions excepted) later in life. Don't do it just because the cornflakes guy said so. If you're going to do that anyway because of religion you won't be convi…

To offer the not-so-rare medical condition story, my wife and I were house-parents at a children's home and one of the 10-year old boys was having recurring infections because of poor hygiene habits. After the second time in the hospital to deal with it, the Dr. decided circumcision was the best course forward. The pain and discomfort that poor boy went through as he recovered is something I'd never wish on anyone. I…

Dafq, I live in Europe, ex-USSR in fact, and Ive NEVER ever seen a circumcised man (and we have a huge sauna culture, so its not for the lack of possibilities)

To cut something from your child just for "looks" or smth...fck thats sick.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#205

Post by kraftman »

irrational wrote: post #152

You will not get any sleep for a long long time. Our oldest didn’t sleep through the night until she was 7! The rest learned to sleep through the night much quicker, but still… get all the sleep while you can now. But, do keep in mind that this too shall pass. All of my kids are old enough that it has been years since I was last kept from getting a full nights sleep because of the kids. Do not try to be quiet around…

On the subject of sleep, there's no point in both staying up if you don't need to. Take it in shifts so you both get rest.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#206

Post by spasiu144 »

Start therapy or some sort of personal coaching the moment your child is born and keep doing it regularly.

Every session has made me a better parent, sometimes because I learned something explicitly about parenting, but more often because I suddenly resolved some deep dysfunction that had made life unreasonably difficult.

I only figured this out 9 years in and I regret not starting earlier for my and my kids' sakes.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#207

Post by sansjoe »

bretthoerner wrote: post #24
uniqueuid wrote: post #6

Great question. Read the answers but remember that it's wildly different for everybody. That said: The life and death matters (sorry): - Never shake your kid, ever - Sudden infant death is partly genetic (not your risk/fault), but still: no toys, pillows, plush animals in the crib -> risk of suffocating The luxury matters: - Breastfeeding does make a difference. If you can manage, try to do it - Don't worry. Whatever…

This is a great list. I'm going to ride your coat tails with some of my favorites. I'm a father of 3 little ones, FWIW. - Take all parenting advice with a grain of salt, everyone's sample size is too low. - (Related) Each kid is very different. It's kind of wild how different they are and mine are still very little. - By default you're likely to raise your kids as the average of how you and your spouse were raised. I…

^ Take all parenting advice with a grain of salt, everyone's sample size is too low.

100% concur and well said!

^ Months 1-3 were my least favorite. A tiny infant is a sort of alien, and very fragile. Somewhere around 3-6 months they'll look at you and smile and your heart will melt.

Can't remember if it was 3, 6, 9 or 12 months but yeah. I've always told soon-to-be parents not to be surprised that it doesn't feel like a real person on day 1. And that the first 6-12 months are largely janitorial.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#208

Post by wngr »

djpr wrote: post #52

1. Your life will be utterly transformed. My child has been a source of wonder and joy, but also immense challenge. Stop comparing to your previous life, you gotta dive into it. 2. Get fit. You'll likely end up needing to carry a lot of baby and toddler stuff for some time. 3. Grow your empathy muscle. It isn't easy being a newborn or a kid. There's so much they don't understand, get confused or frustrated about. So…

> 7. Baby-led Weaning was amazing for us. No purees. No special "baby food". At six months, our kid ate with us on the table, same food as us. Really helps their independence, easier on groceries, and helps to bond eating the same thing together.

Totally! Only limiting factor are the teeth.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#209

Post by wingtw »

em-bee wrote: post #171
pamelafox wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The shift thing really did not work for my partner and me, with our first kid, so we didn't even attempt it for our second (who is now a month old). What we tried: I would pump some milk before heading to bed @ ~10am, and he would stay with the baby and give her the expressed milk. At around 1-2am, we'd switch. Why it didn't work: * I am really bad at getting to sleep, especially if I know I have to get to sleep. So…

co-sleeping/bed-sharing worked well for us. co-sleeping isn't approved by AAP it looks like that is changing, ever so slightly: https://www.savvyparentingsupport.com/new-aap-sleep-guidelin...

All my children have slept next to the mother at first. Of course, IF mother is exceptionally hard sleeper and/or overweight, this MIGHT be somewhat dangerous. But in all other cases its imho SO much better for the both of them. Afaik most mothers are during that time SO light sleepers, that even when baby coughs, they check whats up and fall asleep again.

Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?

#210

Post by em-bee »

tickerticker wrote: post #101

Get a trusted, non-bossy friend who has a baby already. Use that person as a sounding board for questions or concerns. The "relax" idea is easy to say, harder to do. Very important. Baby can pick up your vibe. Longer term: The #1 best thing to give your child is to have a strong relationship with your partner. IMO, this takes a lot of work, especially if you were raised in a home without that. As much as education, s…

Lastly, if you let your child learn how to divide and conquer parents, you are asking for mountains of conflict.

that's important. always agree on how to deal with situations. even if you feel it's wrong at the moment. if you don't agree with how a situation was handled, talk in private afterwards and agree to change it, but most importantly, don't argue with your partner in front of the child or change your partners decision behind their back.

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