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Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

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Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#201

Post by stonecharioteer »

robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

I recommend using Notion and its personal CMS template for maintaining records on people. It's hard to remember children's names and gender sometimes, especially if don't meet them or talk to them that often. Sure it might seem like you don't care enough to remember, but if you are the sort to never remember anything, like me, then it helps a lot. It's better than saying "Sorry. I forgot" time and time again. At least this way you're making a conscious effort.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#202

Post by david38 »

Treat it like any other engineering project.

List your interests. List interests others have in college, not just CA majors. Explore other possible interests. This is what college is for.

Take a few non-engineering classes. Lit classes often have lots of discussions where you get to know people.

When you don’t know something in engineering, one option is asking friends. The next is take a class. For this problem you have asked HN, good start. If you are still stuck in a few months, take the next step and pay a social coach to give you real feedback.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#203

Post by Smaug123 »

tangjurine wrote: post #192

You are probably swamped with comments already, so you probably won't read this. But I think one of the issues that I had with making friends was the feeling that nearly everyone I was talking to and trying to make friends with seemed to be doing better with it than me (ex: the acquaintances I made in my classes having too many friends already, so they don't want to hang). I think a part of that is due to the average…

> The most important factor in becoming popular is luck.

Important implication which you didn't state but which might be very easy to miss: you therefore need to take actions which maximise your luck. "It's all luck" is actually actionable advice! Iterating fast, maximising the number of people you come into contact with, and so on.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#204

Post by noneeeed »

PKop wrote: post #24

True friendship comes mostly from shared struggle. Think sports teams, military, small teams at work, even childhood friends and the experience growing up. It is hard to establish anything meaningful of a connection with casual interactions, and expecting to just "party/play hard" with people you don't really know is putting the cart before the horse. First you must work hard together. I'd suggest joining a Crossfit…

Some of my best friends have been made doing theatre. I have zero interest in acting, but doing all the other things involved in staging a performance is a load of fun, and the intensity of the collaboration can make for really strong and long lasting friendships based on common experience. A good theatre company needs people of different types to work, you can probably find a space that suits you talents and temprement.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#205

Post by RhysU »

collegeburner wrote: post #85
RhysU wrote: post #78

Go hang out with the smokers. They are right outside now. Smokers see everyone go past and say hey to anyone they know, even if only briefly. Smoking not recommended.

Tbh i never seen people smoking on campus, its tobacco free so they can't really. Plus not many people smoke who are my age or if they do it's weed and at their place. It is interesting though, I have heard people talk about how smoking is (or was) kinda a social aid even more than alcohol.

Good point about tobacco-free campuses. I forgot about that trend.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#206

Post by dQw4w9WgXcQ »

adamcharnock wrote: post #169
robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

I think this is good advice for making acquaintances, which is definitely a start. But, IMHO, turning these acquaintances into friends takes something else: showing vulnerability and being able to support the other person when they are vulnerable. The comments here have some great advice, but I haven’t seen anyone mention this. Personally I think this is absolutely paramount. The best friendships I have are with peop…

> if people won’t do this for you, if they respond by looking awkward or making uncomfortable jokes, then f-k em. You don’t need that in your life, and you’ll find much better people.

You could say "f-k em", or you could try something like "hey man, it hurts when you make jokes like that" or "I know this makes you uncomfortable to hear but I really just need ____ (encouragement, a kind word, etc) ____ right now"

Relationships at their core need grace and forgiveness, not a f-k em attitude. Plenty of those awkward/jokey people grew up in families where a spirit of listening/kindness/understanding was minimal and thus can't give what they never received. Assertive communication gives people that wobble room to grow to meet your unique needs.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#207

Post by adamcharnock »

dQw4w9WgXcQ wrote: post #206
adamcharnock wrote: post #169

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think this is good advice for making acquaintances, which is definitely a start. But, IMHO, turning these acquaintances into friends takes something else: showing vulnerability and being able to support the other person when they are vulnerable. The comments here have some great advice, but I haven’t seen anyone mention this. Personally I think this is absolutely paramount. The best friendships I have are with peop…

> if people won’t do this for you, if they respond by looking awkward or making uncomfortable jokes, then f-k em. You don’t need that in your life, and you’ll find much better people. You could say "f-k em", or you could try something like "hey man, it hurts when you make jokes like that" or "I know this makes you uncomfortable to hear but I really just need ____ (encouragement, a kind word, etc) ____ right now" Rela…

Absolutely. I was being a bit dramatic, but if this is something one is willing to do then by all means.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#209

Post by jjj123 »

vocram wrote: post #129
robcohen wrote: post #119

1. Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. Go consistently. Join clubs that you might enjoy but improve your social skills (acting, improv, debate, etc). Don't just hang out with the same people all the time. 2. Treat being social as a skill. Schedule time that you go out and force yourself to speak to people you don't know. Learn to care less about what others think of you, and learn to accept rejection. 3. Learn t…

#5 should be true no matter what kind of suggestion you are giving. Funny how often people assume that if someone is alone then it’s because they are dirty or looks ugly/unfit.

I didn’t read that as an assumption, I thought it was a genuinely good tip. Some people (especially function over form types like myself and many other computer people) don’t make hygiene/appearance a priority.

This turns people off. Sometimes people need to be reminded of that.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#210

Post by scollet »

collegeburner wrote: post #123
drlobster wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sounds like you need to touch grass.

I mean its sometimes a fair complaint, it can be kinda rude, just in this case its useful advice to get out and don't get too extremely online (which is a risk for people my age) Though I guess getting mad about it might be a valid reason to tell somebody to touch grass

The important consideration is grounding yourself with the people around you.

Find that genuine interest in others' interests.

You see them on the opposite bank and it's a lot easier to build a bridge cooperatively.

Circumstances demand a personal approach, so no one can tell you how to build a bridge, only that you must.

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