Ask HN: Work/life balance – Significant other complains you work too much?

Scheduling time with spouse (and for kids) is the only honest and practical way of dealing with the question/challenge of "balancing" work life and family life. It's about setting boundaries. And respectful boundaries are always healthy for all in the relationship.

And by "balance" I don't mean equal - I mean having both.

Is every extra hour you're spending working really worth it? I'd figure out how to minimise the time required to accomplish tasks, defer them, delegate them and then also scrutinise the actual tasks themselves.

Once you're done with that do you still not have enough free time?

Listening to them deeply and finding out their core frustrations is key, just like how you would interact with a user to discover their pain points. In my experience, when my partner claims I work too much it isn't always because I literally work too much.

Of course, sometimes my work/life balance needs to be readjusted and brought back to an acceptable equilibrium. However, the frustration often comes from not conveying my love for her in a way she recognizes and receives it.

The book The Five Love Languages[1], by Gary Chapman, opened my eyes to this. I'd recommend it to everyone. The premise of the book is that we all have unique preferences for what we find satisfying when it comes to love. Your love language is the way that you feel most loved. People usually love their partner how they want to be loved, and that doesn't tend to align with how their partner wants to be loved. You need to convey your love in a way that matches your partner's love language [2].

In my situation, I've thought deeply and talked with my partner about this concept and determined our Love Languages. I now fill the time I spend with her to the brim with activities and behaviors that convey my love for her effectively. I've found that no matter how much time I end up spending with my her, the actual amount of time becomes a non-issue when she feels loved in a way that really resonates with her.

It might help to think about it in terms of the 80-20 rule[3], doing the 20% of effort necessary (conveying your love in a way that actually gets received) to get 80% of the return (a satisfied and loved partner). That may sound a bit cold when applied to relationships- to try to minimize the effort required to convey your love, but it's actually the nicest thing you can do for them.

[1] http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080...

[2] High level overview of the five love languages:

- Words of Affirmation - If this is your love language, you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are, how much they appreciate you, that their world is a better place because you are in it, etc.

- Acts of Service - If your partner offering to watch the kids so you can go to the gym (or relieving you of some other task) gets your heart going, then this is your love language.

- Affection - This love language is just as it sounds. A warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy make you feel most loved when this is your love language.

- Quality Time - This love language is about being together, fully present and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial.

- Gifts - Your partner taking the time to give you a gift can make you feel appreciated.

[3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_principle

What if your partner's love language is Quality Time, and OP knows it?

Imagine yourself having reached the 'success' you are currently pursuing. Imagine how much you will have to sacrifice in order to reach it. It certainly gives a thrill reaching the goals you set in you life. But there is one big question you have to ask yourself: what will you do after you have reached your success? Do you think you will be different? Do you think you will be happier? I can give you the answer: after reaching your goals, you will still be the same person as before, and you will still be as (un)happy as before. But you will have 1 extra question on your mind: why am I not happier now that I have reached my goals?

I hope you play games, because my answer is this: life is like a video game, it gives a thrill when winning it, but the real joy comes from playing it.

Enjoy your time at work, and enjoy the time you spend with your girlfriend. Your personal success is not measured by reaching some goal, but it's measured by how much fun you're having in your life (and yes, work should be fun, but spending time with your girlfriend should also be).

Sorry that I didn't gave a practical answer, but I hope it helps.