Why don't you ask him if he'll stop propping the door open if the other people stop leaving the door open in the morning and then ask them if they can do that?
Or get up in the morning and close the door after them.
Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)
21–30 of 30 posts
Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)
#22I've done quite a bit of conflict resolution in my day. I once worked as a resident assistant (RA) in the dorm and had to deal with very similar problems.
Here is my textbook answer. You want to meet with the person on their terms. Go to his/her office/room on a day when the issue is not prevalent, because neither of you want emotion to be an igniting factor. Be humble. Yes, you're pissed and it's clearly them, but trust me, the best action is to bite the bullet and see if the two of you can come to some sort of agreement.
Strike a deal. Clearly the other person has some motivating reason behind their issue. If you can fix their problem in a way that they can't, it might also alleviate your problem. In your specific case, I would talk to everyone else in the complex for him. See if you can get action items written down. "I affirm that I will keep the outside door closed at all times". Make sure these action items are clear and understood by everyone. Yes, you may have to talk to everyone personally.
Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)
#23Try to talk to him about it another time, when you are both relaxed. He's likely got himself worked up into anger over the 'other housemates' (which to him could include you) before doing something that childish.
It will be much harder for him to behave like that once you have discussed it calmly - although if he is 100% a-hole that might not matter much. Also, try to discover the root cause of his annoyance - he might have a justified complaint that just hasn't affected you yet. Good luck!
Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)
#24Punch him in the throat.
Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)
#25This is actually very simple, although the execution seems to trip a lot of folks up.
There are several stages. If you go through all of them, things work themselves out.
1) He hears you. He is able to repeat what you said back to you and not screw it up.
2) He empathizes with you. He honestly understands how you feel and would feel the same way if it the roles were reversed
3) He agrees that something must be done.
4) He is able to do whatever it is
These are sequential steps, and you can't skip to #4 without going through the other ones. I've found that most of the time the problem is in #1, although you're more likely to think it's 2 or 3. People who don't know each other sometimes have a very hard time getting a common moral/fairness foundation for value discussions. This impedes communication.
So get some friends -- the other guys living there would be great -- and start down the list as part of a group effort. Hell you don't even have to single him out if you don't want to, your problem is with the door, not him.
Most times group dynamics and peer pressure can do the work where reasoning, cajoling, and punching in the neck won't.
But dude, whatever you do, don't make your own prison for yourself. Bail if you can't fix this. It'll just get worse. If you've just moved in, then move out. Most places have a 30-day clause on new leases for stuff just like this. Any judge or real estate agent or whatnot is going to be a lot more sympathetic to you if you took active steps, was unable to resolve, and left than if you suffered for weeks or months and then up and leave. It's your pain: it's your job to take action.
Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)
#26Aside from the immediate issue that you're dealing with, which it sounds like others have given some good advice for, here's something for the future:
Read How to Win Friends and Influence People. I used to think it was just a treatise on how to manipulate people for selfish gain, but after reading it, I think it's really more about cultivating a genuine interest in people and developing the habit of treating people like we all want to be treated. You'd be surprised how effective this can be once you start doing it, partly because it's increasingly rare in our society.
Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)
#27I found the contents of "Getting Past Now" by William Ury helpful when negotiating with difficult people. http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-No-William-Ury/dp/0553371...
Thanks for the book idea, afraid I'm too poor being a uni student to buy it, but I might check if my state library has a copy.
It costs less than two hours of minimum wage, dude! Aren't you in the US?
Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)
#28You can't negotiate with terrorists (ie irrational people).
Seriously, if there's one thing I've learned dealing with d-bags and a-holes over the last decade is that they are what they are. They might eventually change, but it's unlikely that you can get them to.
The trick is figuring out if this guy is irrational or not.
First you need to read the book "Getting To Yes" about Principled Negotation. If that works, then great.
If not, you need to get him to move out, or move out yourself.
Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)
#29I would like to recommend something I call "Sleep Deprivation Psychology". I used it with great success at varsity. ;) Basically if someone irritates the hell out of you, wake him up at 4:00 AM. Whenever he/she is in deep sleep (REM sleep, Theta brain-waves). A rough estimate would be 1/3 or 2/3 of their normal sleep cycle. To wake them, use excessive noise, a fire-cracker works wonders or hammering on metal pots and pans. Done right, they will receive your communication loud and clear.
WARNING: This can lead to an arms race, so do your communicating anonymously.
Re: Ask HN: Confronting impossible people (In life and business)
#30To anyone still following my amazing misadventures,
I woke up this morning to find house-mate #4 laying down the law. Turns out no one opens the door in the morning, it's all the one guy and now I know at least two of us have had it. For now the problem has gone, but at the cost of fuelling his paranoia that we are all out to get him as a group. One more thing and I'm getting him kicked out.
Thanks for all the advice guys, it's cool to see how the crowd thinks.