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Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

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Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#21

Post by philwelch »

byrneseyeview wrote: post #17
kareemm wrote: post #10

sleep. exercise. eat healthily. spent time with great friends. most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you least expect it. see a therapist if necessary; having someone help you get through growth roadblocks is the best money you will ever spend. realize that whatever you're dealing with will eventually pas…

most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you least expect it. Does this really happen? If you spend much time with military veterans, you notice that they have way more self-control than the average person, even though they've also been through more than the average person. Is this because the military attra…

Anecdotal evidence here, but while they seem self-controlled--and are very disciplined--a lot of them also have unresolved anger issues.

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#22

Post by darkxanthos »

_cbsz wrote: post #20
darkxanthos wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would give my left nut for a woman who understands half of what you just said. Rebound? ;) EDIT: (BTW that's also to say some guys just don't know what they've got till they don't. You'll land on your feet, you'll see.)

reminder: "hackers" and "gay people" are not disjoint sets, so mentioning a boyfriend doesn't imply femininity (not gay; recently made a public mistake of this nature).

Touché... I'm an optimist I guess!

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#23

Post by ismarc »

byrneseyeview wrote: post #17
kareemm wrote: post #10

sleep. exercise. eat healthily. spent time with great friends. most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you least expect it. see a therapist if necessary; having someone help you get through growth roadblocks is the best money you will ever spend. realize that whatever you're dealing with will eventually pas…

most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you least expect it. Does this really happen? If you spend much time with military veterans, you notice that they have way more self-control than the average person, even though they've also been through more than the average person. Is this because the military attra…

The emotional experiences while in the military force a different method of coping rather than just bottling everything up. It's more like the emotions are just pushed to the side and dealt with later. There's a large number of soldiers who bottle them up and snap. Most, however, end up pushing them to the side because the "now" is more important. Once the "now" is over, and others' lives aren't in your hands, you can take the time to deal with the emotions. It's been 5 years since I got out, but it's still the same. I can push them to the side, deal with the now, and deal with the emotions when it's not going to impact every day life. The longer you wait, the worse it is and longer it takes, and there's probably a point where you really will snap, but it's a decidedly longer threshold.

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#25

Post by ryanwaggoner »

philwelch wrote: post #21
byrneseyeview wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you least expect it. Does this really happen? If you spend much time with military veterans, you notice that they have way more self-control than the average person, even though they've also been through more than the average person. Is this because the military attra…

Anecdotal evidence here, but while they seem self-controlled--and are very disciplined--a lot of them also have unresolved anger issues.

So do lots of other people.

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#26

Post by JimmyL »

byrneseyeview wrote: post #17
kareemm wrote: post #10

sleep. exercise. eat healthily. spent time with great friends. most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you least expect it. see a therapist if necessary; having someone help you get through growth roadblocks is the best money you will ever spend. realize that whatever you're dealing with will eventually pas…

most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you least expect it. Does this really happen? If you spend much time with military veterans, you notice that they have way more self-control than the average person, even though they've also been through more than the average person. Is this because the military attra…

I would guess - and I'm not a psychologist - that their training has a lot to do with it. A large part of the boot camp experience is about breaking down how new recruits think, and reforming that process into one that goes well with the military mission. They're also regularly evaluated on their mental state, and a large part of the culture is about being able to bottle up most "soft" emotions. So they're very well-trained about how to bury their emotions, and how to deal with the implications of that.

Having said that, I think your comment glosses over the high rates of depression, divorce, alcoholism, and mental illness represented in the veteran community. It's all there - it's just often (especially in the last case) well-hidden, as a part of the military ethos.

Everyone deals with emotions, even (and especially) military people. They're just much better-trained than you are about how to deal with/delay dealing with it.

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#27

Post by jsolson »

symstym wrote: post #7
ashishk wrote: post #2

I try to take care of myself in fundamental ways. Like eating well, exercising, and sleeping on time. I've found having control of basic things provides a deep sense of security.

I second this. I can't relate the the part about a sense of security, but I've found that it's very important to "take care of myself", in whatever form. For me that often means cleaning my apartment, taking care of business I've been procrastinating on, etc. Those are concrete, actionable tasks that are guaranteed to make me feel better, even if only a little bit. At work, I similarly try to focus on specific small…

100% agreement on cleaning my apartment. I find this is the single most useful thing I can do in terms of my day-to-day emotional health.

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#28

Post by byrneseyeview »

philwelch wrote: post #21
byrneseyeview wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you least expect it. Does this really happen? If you spend much time with military veterans, you notice that they have way more self-control than the average person, even though they've also been through more than the average person. Is this because the military attra…

Anecdotal evidence here, but while they seem self-controlled--and are very disciplined--a lot of them also have unresolved anger issues.

unresolved anger issues.

Is there any way to distinguish those from "Not being as psychologically damaged as I'd like."?

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#29

Post by TomOfTTB »

byrneseyeview wrote: post #17
kareemm wrote: post #10

sleep. exercise. eat healthily. spent time with great friends. most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you least expect it. see a therapist if necessary; having someone help you get through growth roadblocks is the best money you will ever spend. realize that whatever you're dealing with will eventually pas…

most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you least expect it. Does this really happen? If you spend much time with military veterans, you notice that they have way more self-control than the average person, even though they've also been through more than the average person. Is this because the military attra…

It's really neither

The military makes no secret about "breaking down their recruits" and then "rebuilding them as soldiers" (to use their language). What that entails is using whatever means necessary to form a habit of discipline. Because when you're disclpined you do the simple things on auto pilot. Things like pay bills and clean your living space.

If people in the military seem more emotionally controlled it's because they can marshal all their mental resources to deal with whatever emotional challenge comes their way. They don't have the added distractions of "did I pay the electric bill this month?" or "I have to do that thing at work that I've been procrastinating on"

In other words, they have the same capacity as everyone else but they are trained to live a life that eliminates as many distractions as possible.

Finally, for those who have already commented about military vets bottling stuff up and exploding I'd offer this insight. All the military's methods can do for a person is elminiate distractions so big problems can be dealt with. If a person still decides to ignore those problems the results will be disasterous just like they would be in any other person.

Re: Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

#30

Post by wglb »

b0k0n0n wrote: post #18

What a coincidence—I'm going through this right now. The night my boyfriend broke up with me (two days ago) I differentiated equations until 4 a.m. Now I'm working on inductive logic and doing my best to stay off of e-mail and facebook. I use other outlets such as reading and exercising, but I've found mathematics' abstraction to be the most helpful. Reading books brings up motifs and messages and content that calls…

I have used this technique in the past and call it Diversionary Therapy.
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