Ask HN: How to be alone? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#21

Post by brudgers » Sun, Mar 08, 2026, 1:11 PM UTC

sillysaurusx wrote: post #3

appsoftware wrote: post #2

Hey, saw this while looking under new and wanted to try and help. I think the answer is to be places. Life needs randomness and interactions and that doesn't happen at home. Try to be in "3rd places" - the gym / work in a shared working space / pick up a couple of hobbies (I say a couple as just one is risky if say it's sports based an you injure yourself - something you can do outdoors, something you can do indoors)…

Thank you. Unfortunately I live in a suburb, and not a very walking-friendly one either, so there aren't really any third spaces to go to. Maybe a silly question, but any suggestions on how to find hobbies?

Maybe moving house to a denser and more walkable location is a feasible option?

Yes moving is a pita, but you can’t fix an urban landscape that is not working for you.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#22

Post by adyavanapalli » Sun, Mar 08, 2026, 1:11 PM UTC

I saw this a couple of years ago and felt that it might help you https://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs?si=d1ibZfR9uKbuXpCd. Best of luck OP.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#23

Post by reactordev » Sun, Mar 08, 2026, 1:12 PM UTC

The hollowness is from not being useful to someone. I went through your EXACT same thing. 17, graduated, moved in with my sweetheart (and her mother…), got a place of our own to rent at 23, married at 26, divorced at 36, alone entirely when my parents died 38, and 41. Now 43, the best advice I can give you is to forgive yourself, go outside, reconnect with the things that bring YOU joy (for me, that was getting back into flying) and volunteer and give back to the community around you.

You’ll find that hollowness was self-inflicted.

A dog is a great companion as well.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#24

Post by wryyy » Sun, Mar 08, 2026, 1:13 PM UTC

I'm 37 and can relate to this. I lived and worked in another country for a pretty long time and was forced to move back home due to layoffs. I dont really know anybody apart from my family members any longer because I was away for so long. I don't feel bad about it all the time but there are days when I too feel hollow and long for some social life. I don't have a lot of answers, traveling has helped me to connect with other travelers a bit, that's one thing.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#25

Post by Gualdrapo » Sun, Mar 08, 2026, 1:15 PM UTC

This might sound silly but I'd consider getting my dog a dog. This will not be the absolute solution but your dog will have a companion and your house will have more life.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#26

Post by giantg2 » Sun, Mar 08, 2026, 1:15 PM UTC

I'm a little baffled. Do you live in a wilderness? In the list of potential things you gave, there are few social activities. Find a club for one of your hobbies. Find a group exercise program. Volunteer for an organization you are passionate about.

Also, being alone out in nature can be very beneficial for you.

Maybe find a therapist to help you decouple yourself from your prior relationship.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#27

Post by nephihaha » Sun, Mar 08, 2026, 1:16 PM UTC

Hnrobert42 wrote: post #19

1. This will be tough. That doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. 2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable. 3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression. 4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness. Again, that's okay. You will grow so m…

3 is very true and reflects a serious issue in today's society. It is easier to treat symptoms than causes sometimes.

The good news is that situational issues can be fixed but it can take time.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#28

Post by mythrwy » Sun, Mar 08, 2026, 1:16 PM UTC

I live remotely in a very isolated area and work remotely (no slack, just email). I live with my partner but she is in town for work during the day. I go to town a couple of times a month. Before COVID I had an office in town but realized I don't need it. I've lived here for about 15 years.

Initially I was lonely occasionally during the day but it went away. I'm now perfectly comfortable with no human contact except comments (like this) on the internet for very long stretches. My girlfriend went on a 3 week trip to visit family last year and I visited town twice and saw a friend once during that time and had one long phone conversation with a brother. It was a perfectly comfortable 3 weeks. I don't play video games.

I'm not recommending this way of life. It's probably more psychologically healthy to have people around and so I have to recommend trying to rebuild social connections as you can, but the point is for your situation, it gets much more comfortable as time passes. I don't want to say "it's all in your head" but something along the lines of that sentiment is kind of how it works I think. You do need something to do, a reason to get up in the morning. I garden and keep animals.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#29

Post by sillysaurusx » Sun, Mar 08, 2026, 1:17 PM UTC

Gualdrapo wrote: post #25

This might sound silly but I'd consider getting my dog a dog. This will not be the absolute solution but your dog will have a companion and your house will have more life.

Not a bad idea actually. She spends each day alone, like me.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#30

Post by _puk » Sun, Mar 08, 2026, 1:18 PM UTC

The fact you're asking is great.

Having a similar story, I can tell you the the answer is not to try and fill that hole with someone else until you've worked out who you are, and what you really want.

You're not the person that you were when you moved out of your parents, and you need to work out what is "you" vs what was "us".

Don't rush to the next stage of your life. Live in the discomfort you are feeling and find out what quietens it. Easier said than done, I know.

Believe it or not there are those if us in Tech who crave that human connection.

Things that I've tried:

* Salsa was mentioned somewhere else, that's amazing to meet people, laugh at yourself, and learn a skill

* Walk the dog without earphones. It's amazing how dog walkers will give that knowing smile to each other. Lean into that. Say a hi, and ask about their dog. Simple, but if you're walking the same time every day you'll soon be chatting.

* Go and exist somewhere. The coffee house etc (I avoid bars, though I like a drink, as ironically lonely bar people are not the inspirational people I seek), just be there. I get that these are the 3rd places.

* Go to events (plays, theatre, cultural places). Turn up early, smile and say hi to random people. You've got an in there as you're there for a specific reason. Do a bit of research prior.

* Try a few different gyms. The vibe is different in every one. Be there longer than your workout.

* To the above, when you go places, be there early, don't rush off.

* If you can get yourself in to the tech leaders round table style dinners (8-10 people), you'll very quickly find interesting like minded individuals. You may have to commit to travel a bit to do this. Not sure how that works with the dog for you.

Things I've tried and don't work

* The random meetups. Unless they are focused on something you can all relate to (i.e. board games etc).

* Pubs / bars as above

* Professional networking events with over 20 people. That's just hustling.

If you want to just chat shit, or say hi to a human, feel free to reach out. I'm sure it would be good for both of us!