Ask HN: MIT grad, junior dev layoffs – watching my daughter lose faith in merit

We've had to resort back to outbound using headhunters we've worked with. It's okay for us since we can afford it, but I doubt many startups pre-Series B can afford the services of headhunters or even inhouse recruiting.

Open to solutions and new ideas tbh.

You believed that because you wanted her to be safe. That’s love. And you were working with the information you had. The guilt you’re feeling is its own kind of grief — the loss of being able to protect her through guidance.

You can acknowledge this to her without making it about you. Something like: “I gave you a map that turned out to be incomplete. That wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry.”

That kind of honesty, rather than weakening your relationship, might actually strengthen it. It models that being wrong isn’t the end of the world — and that love doesn’t require being right.

Don’t try to reframe it positively yet. Don’t suggest she “pivot to AI” or “try startups.” She knows the tactical advice. What she doesn’t have right now is a felt sense that she still belongs — to her family, to the future, to herself.

The absence of decorations, the quiet — I understand the impulse. But consider: the ritual of showing up for each other despite the pain is itself medicine. Not pretending things are okay. Just being together in the not-okay. It’s different from performing normalcy.

None of the things you listed are signs of merit, they are signs of pedigree. If people recommended them here, they did so in error.

There's certainly a difference between universities, but the most important differentiators are connections (has she exhausted these) and prestige. If those aren't working for her, the only thing left is personal projects. That is the true indicator of merit in the software space.

As for specific advice, your daughter is in a similar situation to me. I graduated thinking I had did all of the right things, and that my degree (mechanical engineering) was some sort of magic ticket. I was unemployed and then underemployed for a year or two. I eventually went to a job fair and got a job as a data analyst then, finally, moved into data engineering.

Reality has shown her that there isn't always a direct path to a goal. Are there other skills she has that she could use to get meaningful or interesting work?

Tell her to explore alternate jobs outside of her field or preferred industry, build up a portfolio of projects on the side to keep her skills sharp, and keep applying to her preferred role, but now at a much slower and deliberate pace.