Ask this question to a friend in your social circles where this is happening. Have you talked about this with your wife?
Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?
21–30 of 98 posts
Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?
#22Acting classes or singing lessons? I think you just want to get confidence in having people's attention, through modulating like the other guy said, and being interesting to listen to. But try not to worry about this too much, I feel like it will make you feel insecure if you focus on it for too long.
Another great thing for me is to shift the focus on to the person you're speaking with, even in a group. People love to talk about themselves. Ask them honest, thoughtful questions about what they're talking about. Don't over indulge them, but everyone is equal in this world, and hearing them out on things leads to a healthy discourse.
One final tip and this is important, if they talk about a trip to the Bahamas or whatever and you then feel the urge to bring up your similar trip to the Bahamas, maybe don't. Instead of hearing their point of view, you're making the conversation about you immediately and people don't like that. You can hold that thought and bring it up later in the conversation, organically.
Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?
#23"what you are speaks so loudly i cannot hear what you say" -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?
#24I know exactly what you're talking about and have been in similar situations many times. For me it's not just limited to speech, but lots of other aspects. Sometimes it feels like being a ghost or some weird Star Trek like phase shift. E.g. one person walks out of a board game night to get some food, everyone stops playing to wait for the person. I walk out, things just continue.
What helped me a lot were 2 things:
1) There are ways to improve your conversation skills. Big topic, with lots of branches. Your speech matters. Your tone. Keep collecting interesting anecdotes. Culture some depth to your personality that is unrelated to work (e.g. interesting hobbies). Essentially train your charisma.
2) The big eye opener for me was the discovery that different groups of people actually react differently to me. I.e. I was simply friends with people who ... didn't care as much about me as I cared about them. The blunt fix here is to change your social circles. Not easy, but doable, slowly, over time.
The "interesting hobby" part of the charisma training actually helps there to connect to different groups of people.
Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?
#25Most people don't want deep conversations. They might listen more but you have to deliver the info piece by piece: I've been there (and then nothing) How was it? Pretty good (and the nothing) ... then they might ask more info about what they care (the weather, the bars, the museums)
Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?
#26I can't give concrete advice, but I can give one example, when do I ignore people joining a conversation like this: when their contribution is only tangentially related, and kind of hijacks the original topic for no good reason. E.g. I'm having a conversation with a hw engineer: (all imaginary below, but the main situation does happen every once in a while) > Me: This USB hub you designed seems to work on my Dell Des…
Thanks for your illustration. I recognize myself in it and you made me realize that I am often making links between things unrelated to the conversation.
that is what i would call a "micro-frustration" :-)
Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?
#27Things that have worked for me: modulate voice tone - lots of people tend to strive for a monotone voice for some reason, and it sounds rather boring and drone like; pyramid principle - start with the main thing and fill out details later, building up to something tends to make people drift off; brevity is the soul of wit - don't emphasize things by rephrasing ideas, don't hammer on points that have been made, don't…
> That's a key point. You're seeing things you find interesting as opportunities to add to the conversation. Flip this around, try to look for things that others would find interesting.
Hard disagree. Don't try to be someone you are not. The most interesting TED talks are not held because the speaker found a topic you are interested in. They exist because the speaker has a fascination about something that he explored and now talks about. Often this fascination is infectious and because the speaker has a way of explaining it, and talking that catches your attention. This would probably not interest you as much, if the speaker would not find it interesting.
Talk about things you like, not what you think other people like. If your friends are bored by that, then it's perhaps time to find friends that aren't.
Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?
#28Speak less. For practice: for a year, don't say a word.
wait, what ?
It's one of the old "how to win friends and influence people" [1] moves. Say as little as possible. It seems people tend to overestimate the smartness of quiet persons, so their contributions will be respected more.
[1]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen...
EDIT: added link
Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?
#29Acting classes or singing lessons? I think you just want to get confidence in having people's attention, through modulating like the other guy said, and being interesting to listen to. But try not to worry about this too much, I feel like it will make you feel insecure if you focus on it for too long. Another great thing for me is to shift the focus on to the person you're speaking with, even in a group. People love…
> Instead of hearing their point of view, you're making the conversation about you immediately and people don't like that.
This!
If you've been to the Bahamas and know a cool place, you can for example just ask "oh have you been to place X?", which implies that you've been there and know a cool thing, plays the ball back to the person telling the story, but still leaves the door open for them to hand the conversation to you (e.g. "what's place X?", "where is X located?", "when were you on the Bahamas?", etc.).
Re: Ask HN: How can I learn to better command people's attention when speaking?
#30> When I try to contribute to the conversation, people just don't seem interested, and typically the conversation moves on as if I hadn't said anything. There is lot unsaid here, so its really difficult to know exactly what your issue is. This might be low brow, but could you potentially record yourself and play it back? Maybe looking over your own shoulder, you can see things you missed in the moment.
It’s also important to view a group conversation as a bonfire. You have to contribute to it and help it grow.
If you’re not saying anything that others can jump off from… then you can’t expect them to. Use a question sandwich: someone is talking about a place you’ve visited. You can then interject with “Oh you’ve been to Taipei? The hike to Elephant Mountain was incredible! What was your favourite part of the city?”
You don’t use the word “I”, and you pass the ball back to whomever was speaking. You brought fuel to the bonfire. You stoked it. If anyone concurs they’ll let the group know. If anyone else wants to jump in you’ve given them an opening. And the person you interrupted can either use your interjection to add to their story or they can keep going, but you didn’t prevent them from telling the story.
If instead you just say “Oh I’ve been to Taipei too” or “I really don’t like that show”, now you’ve put the burden of maintaining the bonfire on the person you interrupted. They have to now ask when, how long, did you like it, why not, etc.
I’m not saying OP was making these mistakes, but I’ve noticed these kind of patterns often. People love to talk, especially about themselves. Let them.