For me, that’s always either been bars I drank in (years back now) or more recently, coffee shops and restaurants I eat in, friendly staff and chit chat with fellow customers has lead to good friends. Also - neighbours - but that can be a limited number!
Oh yes, an old colleague made many good friends at various online arranged meet-ups - namely a whisky appreciation group - he found himself a large social circle beyond his professional circle that was most stimulating- so explore your interests, maybe chess club or gaming groups - something with social potential
Ask HN: How do you build a social circle as a remote worker/nomad in a new city?
21–30 of 31 posts
Re: Ask HN: How do you build a social circle as a remote worker/nomad in a new city?
#22Volunteer. You can probably find a place that can use volunteer teachers or tutors for a few hours a week.
Sports? I used to see a lot of 20-somethings in kickball league tee shirts. I mention kickball because it ought to be manageable at almost any level of conditioning and coordination. But if you find kickball too tame, there are teams for all sorts of team sports, and groups for things like running, hiking, and bicyling.
Re: Ask HN: How do you build a social circle as a remote worker/nomad in a new city?
#23For us it's always been dogs. We have dogs, and therefore are out in our city all the time, at dog parks, on trails, at outdoor events. Dogs are the ultimate companion and also really help to meet others with similar likea and values.
Re: Ask HN: How do you build a social circle as a remote worker/nomad in a new city?
#24The best friends you will make are through shared pain and adversity. This is generally why lifelong friendships develop in college, the military, and startups. Seek something to endure and you'll have friends that you'll invite to your kid's wedding 25 years later.
Re: Ask HN: How do you build a social circle as a remote worker/nomad in a new city?
#25The best friends you will make are through shared pain and adversity. This is generally why lifelong friendships develop in college, the military, and startups. Seek something to endure and you'll have friends that you'll invite to your kid's wedding 25 years later.
I read that more than once before.
And while I agree(even though a lot of the people I've suffered with didn't stay my friends), it seems "slightly" unhealthy to look for a situation where I could suffer just to form a bond through shared trauma with people
Re: Ask HN: How do you build a social circle as a remote worker/nomad in a new city?
#26The best friends you will make are through shared pain and adversity. This is generally why lifelong friendships develop in college, the military, and startups. Seek something to endure and you'll have friends that you'll invite to your kid's wedding 25 years later.
Many opportunities! Prison, the Peace Corps, I've read on HN about tech CEOs working at Amazon warehouses to reconnect with their social side... You could go be a part of the technical or scientific staff at a polar research station, or work on an Alaskan fishing boat. There are so many exciting ways to make lifelong friendships!
Re: Ask HN: How do you build a social circle as a remote worker/nomad in a new city?
#27The best friends you will make are through shared pain and adversity. This is generally why lifelong friendships develop in college, the military, and startups. Seek something to endure and you'll have friends that you'll invite to your kid's wedding 25 years later.
Burning Man works this way for many people.
Re: Ask HN: How do you build a social circle as a remote worker/nomad in a new city?
#28Earlier quoted context omitted.
Haha yeah but you could also meet occasional bar-goers if you only visit the bar in weekends. I've met very different kinds of people in bars.
Well, statistically, the people you are most likely to meet in a bar are the people that are most likely to be in a bar.
Statistically, if you meet ten people in a bar, how many of them are from the group that is "most likely to be in a bar?"
Re: Ask HN: How do you build a social circle as a remote worker/nomad in a new city?
#29To start, don't think in terms of "building a social circle," that sounds like a chore or an experiment. You want to meet more people so you can make friends. You do that organically, by putting yourself in situations where you might meet someone you like. Those situations depend on your age, interests, and the place you live. If you have trouble meeting people or maintaining a friendship you might want to get therap…
>If you have trouble meeting people or maintaining a friendship you might want to get therapy.
I actually disagree, I worry that we don't do a good job of getting folks OUT of therapy -- then they're forever stuck in this coercive loop where someone is baswically paid to be the person they call when they have a dispute with the police or whatever. (Unless you want to take an extremely liberal view of therapy and argue whoever is selling you the weed and not calling it in between pickups is your "therapist", but that's a bit much imho)
Pretty much every mental health issue I've had stems from folks who tend to move from city to city interacting with me differently than they would someone who was... "from here" when I was debating career paths and floundering in undergrad after a transfer.
The current trend seems to be CBT -- set some goals, and go in each week to talk about them.
I don't know what to do when my "goals" are things like "reoccuring income, and vendors who don't go out of business because they couldn't handle treating someone like a peer" and "a weed card, or take it recreational, it helps a lot".
(I've had a string of folks treat getting one like... a reward or something... to almost a bdsm-like degree -- when I've had a diagnosis of Asperger's or autistic spectrum disorder since the late 90s? I'm not even sure if I'll renew the card, I might travel for a year or two like I wanted to in 2016 and let them riot some more)
For context, just before COVID, I got out of a domestic violence sitution in the suburbs of my city, then got laid off.
The city I'm in had a riot outside the mayor's house, then got a new one, and apparently is currently staffing something called a "citizen's police review board"? I was at a bus stop yesterday trying to call my city councilor but there's no one currently in that office apparently? Same day, for the first time in ages, that bus (which comes only every 30 to 60) just blows on by me and the other person waiting for it.
Anyways sorry to ramble -- I'm unemployed, and it's Saturday, so I'm in a... creative spirit.
To put it short: I'd focus on getting exercise everyday OP -- then just... treat people like you'd want to be treated, and be mindful sometimes folks with have a "OK, I sold you your espresso or notebook or whatever, now go away so I can go on the internet to". Pick an errand. Go get a coffee or something. (And to do that you'll need to... take a shower, and put on clothes etc). And then just don't rush it.
Trust is earned and that takes time, rushing that or being algorithmic will weird people out.
(And be mindful people usually have a small number of actual friends -- those are CONNECTIONS on social media.)
Re: Ask HN: How do you build a social circle as a remote worker/nomad in a new city?
#30To start, don't think in terms of "building a social circle," that sounds like a chore or an experiment. You want to meet more people so you can make friends. You do that organically, by putting yourself in situations where you might meet someone you like. Those situations depend on your age, interests, and the place you live. If you have trouble meeting people or maintaining a friendship you might want to get therap…
>If you have trouble meeting people or maintaining a friendship you might want to get therapy. I actually disagree, I worry that we don't do a good job of getting folks OUT of therapy -- then they're forever stuck in this coercive loop where someone is baswically paid to be the person they call when they have a dispute with the police or whatever. (Unless you want to take an extremely liberal view of therapy and argu…
Well, thanks for sharing.
For someone inhibited by shyness, social anxiety, fear of rejection, or poor conversational skills a few sessions with a therapist, coach, or even Toastmasters can help. I didn't mean years of psychotherapy or medications. I went through CBT for about a year to learn to deal with obsessive-compulsive disorder. You don't necessarily "set some goals and go in each week to talk about them." You learn to recognize the triggers and maladaptive behaviors and then control your reactions. That can work for shyness and social anxiety as well as for OCD, phobias, and anger problems. Learning that you can control and change behaviors may seem obvious, but I think many people go through life calling themselves shy, introverted, unsocial without considering they can change those behaviors.