Take a course on parenting. I got a _lot_ of value out of the STEP training (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting). You wouldn't get a dog without learning how to train dogs - getting a kid should follow the same logic!
Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
21–30 of 343 posts
Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
#22For the birth, it goes slowly. Waters break but it's still quite a while before the kid comes. Don't panic and don't spend all your energy at once. Don't hesitate to get a c-section. If you need it, ask for it. Both my kids would have died if it wasn't for that. It's completely routine for the doctor, I even heard them talking about their shopping while pulling out my daughter.
I regret not asking for a c-section explicitly. Coming from a traditional south-indian background I hesitated electing a c-section beforehand, trusting the doctor will take the best decisions based on the situation. I was wrong. The doctor pushed it too far and my baby had to be NICU-ed for a couple of days and even worse, I still have PTSD witnessing the trauma my spouse had to go through.
I should have simply listened to my intuition and asked for c-section upfront.
Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
#23Great question. Read the answers but remember that it's wildly different for everybody. That said: The life and death matters (sorry): - Never shake your kid, ever - Sudden infant death is partly genetic (not your risk/fault), but still: no toys, pillows, plush animals in the crib -> risk of suffocating The luxury matters: - Breastfeeding does make a difference. If you can manage, try to do it - Don't worry. Whatever…
Also, if your child is taking an antibiotic, say for an ear infection, don’t give them milk and medicine at the same time. It upsets their stomach, and they will vomit it all back up… and then some.
To add - most people don't take antibiotics seriously. Please do take all of your subscription as long as your doctor says you should. Otherwise, you're breeding resistant germs.
Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
#24Great question. Read the answers but remember that it's wildly different for everybody. That said: The life and death matters (sorry): - Never shake your kid, ever - Sudden infant death is partly genetic (not your risk/fault), but still: no toys, pillows, plush animals in the crib -> risk of suffocating The luxury matters: - Breastfeeding does make a difference. If you can manage, try to do it - Don't worry. Whatever…
This is a great list. I'm going to ride your coat tails with some of my favorites. I'm a father of 3 little ones, FWIW.
- Take all parenting advice with a grain of salt, everyone's sample size is too low.
- (Related) Each kid is very different. It's kind of wild how different they are and mine are still very little.
- By default you're likely to raise your kids as the average of how you and your spouse were raised. If either of you didn't like your upbringing you probably want to consider some kind of outside help to change your course sooner rather than later.
- OP said "It hasn't really sunk in yet" -- I just wanted to say this was the same for me. For all three kids! I was aware my wife was pregnant but it never really clicked until the baby was there.
- Months 1-3 were my least favorite. A tiny infant is a sort of alien, and very fragile. Somewhere around 3-6 months they'll look at you and smile and your heart will melt.
- You'll be fine!
Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
#25You'll get lost and lots of advice. Some of it good, some of it bad. Some of it good for you, or bad for you. Just pick and choose what works for you.
If you happen to draw a colicky baby, my suggestion is to quickly introduce shifts. Don't stay awake together, but try to get that 5.5 hours of sleep. Everything will be so much better if you get some rest.
Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
#26That it'll be ok, even when it looks like it won't. Relax... most things will take care of themselves and worrying isn't going to make a huge difference, in fact it may become a problem in its own right. Kids are far more resilient than adults usually believe. And congratulations and I hope everything will go as smooth as possible.
And to be easy on yourself. They don't come with a manual and there's a lot of trial and error involved in figuring things out. On top of that, just about the time you figure one thing out a new one comes along. There will be mistakes and that's normal. Try to recognize them and learn from them.
Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
#27Find a way to spend quality time with your partner. Once the dust has settled try to book some time where it's just the two of you. Get a babysitter and go out together one night in the week.
Often you're so focused on the baby that years can go by until you realise you've ignored your relationship and then it can be very hard to fix or get back to some normal / happy state.
Same for your regular friendships. Maintain them. The other day someone asked me to name my 3 best friends and all I could come up with was people I knew years ago that I barely speak to anymore.
For me that was the main problem. The kids slept relatively well, ate ok, didn't get sick very often. But they still take up so much time that it's easy to forget about everything else.
Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
#28Great question. Read the answers but remember that it's wildly different for everybody. That said: The life and death matters (sorry): - Never shake your kid, ever - Sudden infant death is partly genetic (not your risk/fault), but still: no toys, pillows, plush animals in the crib -> risk of suffocating The luxury matters: - Breastfeeding does make a difference. If you can manage, try to do it - Don't worry. Whatever…
> Breastfeeding does make a difference.
The difference it makes is measurable, but there are lots of other factors. On a macro scale, it absolutely makes sense to encourage breastfeeding, but mothers who can't or don't want to nurse can feel a lot of pressure and shame about it. Nursing feels like a big decision, but on an individual scale the only thing that's important is: is the baby getting their nutritional needs met. And formula does that just fine.
Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
#29Trust your instincts, if they were wrong your ansestors wouldn't have gotten you here.
Re: Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then?
#30Father of five here. I don't have specific suggestions other than to realize that your life as you've known it up until now is forever changed. Life's greatest joys have come to me because of my children, but also my greatest challenges. It can be absolutely exhausting to feel such joy and such pain at the same time. It took me awhile to bond with each of my kids. That became much easier for me as they began to develop a personality and talk. And every one of my kids was a completely different experience.