New dad is really hard. For me It was really difficult to adapt. It really gets better when your kid starts to communicate. 1 to 2yo is really hard. From 3 to 4yo, I’m now less stressed than before being a dad. But that’s because a 4yo boy is really damn cool to live with and pretty autonomous for a lot of basic things.
Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?
21–30 of 96 posts
Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?
#22>Any practical tips that work on you are highly appreciated. a) Lifting heavy weights, either at home or gym. b) Reading c) Any hobby that you find fulfilling, if you have time. If you don't just enjoy every second you have with your baby.
Yes. I am not the fittest person, but I lift weights and read books. Both have definitely helped keep me sane over the past 2 years. I don't have a family and don't intend to though, so I have a lot more free time and less general stress levels.
Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?
#23A few things:
- Go to the doctor and check for Diabetes, Thyroid and blood pressure. Especially diabetes can cause those meltdowns.
- Sport obviously
- Time for me. You need to have free time outside of whatever you are doing now. Go for a walk or a cafe and have some downtime.
- Supplements. For me personally I'm seeing good results with taking Ashwagandha
- Finally and this is the most important one: you need to be able to predict when the meltdown will happen. Meaning, with time you need to be able to see it coming and do something before it happens. Don't let things pile up to the point of a meldown, address them as they happen.
Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?
#24Exercise, play computer games, minimise Linux usage.
Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?
#25Not sure why you want to avoid psychotherapy. Maybe look into Gestalt therapy. Find a therapist that will help you to solve your problems, and not one that is arrogant.
Paying 15% of net income for weekly therapy sessions only to hear lameness like "you are perfect, everyone is", "there is nothing wrong with you", "you are very brave" and to discuss the news is not what I would consider responsible use for money.
Like OP, there is something wrong with my daily life and I am the only person responsible of making it better. Phrases like "everything will be all right, anyway" and "you deserve more" are not driving me towards finding and applying the necessary changes to get my life back, quite the opposite.
Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?
#26> relatively new dad This is probably a core reason for your problem. I would bet that you find it difficult to adapt to the new normal. You now have less time to yourself and many more constraints to deal with. That's just super stressful. Here's my advice as a not-so-new father: 1. It's OK to be stressed. Don't stress out over your stress level (Meta Stress). 2. Things will get better. 3. Take some you-time. Do wha…
Yes. Being a new parent — exacerbated by this current normal — is incredibly difficult. My wife and I have spent the past year focusing much of our energy on ourselves (after the kids, work, etc)
That dedicated time we have where we do what we need just for us has turned our year around; I run 5km a day, she goes to the gym to lift weights 3x a week. It took adjustment in our schedules and the time in the day is tight, but it’s oh so worth it.
We have many other priorities, like renovating the garage or reorganizing the living room, but we’ve decided that’s lower on the priority — with two young kids 2021 was not just about survival, but for us as a family to thrive.
Wishing OP the best!
Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?
#27There are many classes of introverts. One of the variations of introverts is a group that protects others from themselves. Think Scrooge. Keep your distance until you know how to manage.
Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?
#28Not sure why you want to avoid psychotherapy. Maybe look into Gestalt therapy. Find a therapist that will help you to solve your problems, and not one that is arrogant.
Paying 15% of net income for weekly therapy sessions only to hear lameness like "you are perfect, everyone is", "there is nothing wrong with you", "you are very brave" and to discuss the news is not what I would consider responsible use for money. Like OP, there is something wrong with my daily life and I am the only person responsible of making it better. Phrases like "everything will be all right, anyway" and "you…
Not sure whether you've ever done therapy, but I have and I've had an excellent experience with it. I don't think many therapists do therapy by spouting some superficial platitudes at the client.
Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?
#29a lot of good advice on here, but to consume any of it you need to Conquer your ego first. Accept you are not in control and learn to go with the flow, lower expectations and desires, learn equanimity, read the gita
Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?
#30Being healthy helps, but assuming you are tired/stressed, there's still ways to stay in control.
1) You have to recognize that you're nearing red zone, i.e. notice the physical effects of the adrenaline rush. If you can't consciously notice it happening and intervene, then you're just a meat puppet to your emotional system. You may notice that it causes you to breathe rapidly, for example. Don't worry about step 2 until you've got this part down.
2) Once you can notice it, you have to do the mental gymnastics in the moment to convince yourself that you're not going to do anybody any favors by indulging your emotion. If you've resolved ahead of time that you want to get on top of it, that's a good start; in the moment you need to remember that resolution and stick to it.
3) Be aware that you're possibly not going to be able to calm down instantly (though a physical trick that helps is to take two or three deep breaths through the nose). In a situation like this, you'll have chemicals running through your blood that keep wanting to short circuit your rational thinking. Either try to change the subject, propose to "agree to disagree" for now until you can think about it some more in your own time, or if possible try to end the conversation politely. It'll be very hard to continue to keep talking calmly about the subject that triggered you if you've got a strong emotional response (although with practice it is doable.) You can also discuss ahead of time with your spouse/partner, tell him/her that you're working on this, and that sometimes you'd like their permission to put conversations on hold until you're in a better frame of mind - just don't abuse their willingness, and make sure not to use it as an excuse for avoiding difficult topics.