Ask HN: Coping with cancer in the family

I took "family leave", which is possible depending on which state you live in (within the US at least). I was able to take three months of leave (at a reduced pay).

I lived in the hospital the entire time. I never went back to work though, I just couldn't find the focus, time or effort to be productive in a work/team environment. I honestly lost all "care" for work. I couldn't push myself to care at all and work on something when I was sitting in the same room as my daughter and seeing what she was going through.

My daughter is now 6 years old and I still haven't gone back to work.

What has helped me? Not much.

Seeing the care and love from a few friends and family members has certainly helped me and my family, but at the same time I have grown to dislike a lot of people that weren't around at that time. I feel like I learned who my real family and friends are.

If you're wondering how the friends and family helped... they were simply there, repeatedly. They helped us when we were in New York for treatment far from home. They quit their job and flew from their home country to live with us for over a year to help take care of our other daughter while we were living in the hospital.

Reading Marcus Aurelius' Meditations (Gregory Hayes translation) helped me really think long and hard about my life and what matters (and what doesn't matter). It certainly helped me push forward.

I would say just be with her and help out where you can, be normal, do normal things (as much as possible), chat. Maybe cook some food to help out, pick up the house, etc. Even though my mom can't eat much anymore, I've been taking food for my dad, trying to keep his energy up, doing dishes, small stuff like that along with the occasional big task. I hope treatment can bring remission for your mother but you should know now that if it doesn't or if it doesn't last, cancer will rob her of her dignity in a very ugly way and you should prepare yourself for that. At the same time stay hopeful. My mom got much longer than I thought she would when first diagnosed.

Anyways, think about what you would want if you were confronting what your mom is. Probably after the shock wore off you'd realize you wanted meaningful experiences. Not necessarily big, just meaningful. A trip to a bucketlist location can be meaningful but so can a sleepy day spent inside or a surprise visit.

>But its life I suppose and we have to accept it and learn to deal with it. I am just learning to , and am looking for some direction here, so I can do my best to balance a job and take care of my family through this time.

Well if the balance has to change a bit then it has to change, that's really all there is to it frankly. You just have to be honest with yourself about it. It's okay to cry in the parking lot, just give yourself a few minutes, blow your nose, wipe up your eyes and then you go in and do the job. Or if you need time off to care for her, then take it. Anyways the thing about life is you don't have to do anything except live it and it's the same for death too. You'll figure out your own way through it as will your mom. One last thing, don't feel guilty about doing other things, going out to the bar and having a good time or seeing a sports game or all that normal stuff. It'll help you a lot and it'll help your mom worry a little less about you, plus it gives you something interesting to talk about. She's going to be living in cancer world for a while and she'll get sick of talking so much about it.

Anyways my situation may be drastically different from yours. But since you're coming here you're probably struggling with some degree of self-doubt about how to handle this, don't worry because you obviously love your mother and so you'll find the ability to do what you have to. And it's all still fresh so be easy on yourself now - you may have to be hard on yourself later.

I wish your mother all the luck in the world with her treatment.

That absolutely includes reading Meditations. My copy is dog eared and has many notes written in it.

- I’m taking time of work. To look after her, but also my role as primary caregiver is impossible to combine with work

- I’m personally seeing a psychologist specialized in oncology. She taught me a useful self-care framework that consists of four pillars: autonomy, physical well-being, social support, and doing meaningful things.

- My mum is also seeing a similar person to talk about the disease, its implications and possible death

- My role as primary caregiver and only child is complex. We involved a mediator to set mutual expectations

- I’m using the time to learn how to take care of myself both physically and mentally. For instance, I’m experimenting with light therapy and nutritional supplements

- I am learning about cancer. This is sometimes emotionally tough, but I like that I can now better help my mother navigate the medical complexities. Cancer is also an interesting gateway into immunology. I recommend “Elegant Defense” by Matt Richtel

- I spent a lot of energy organizing professional care (e.g., nurses, food l). This means that my support for her now feels of a higher quality.

- I am helping my mum keep track of her medical condition over time. This relates for instance to pain, side-effects, complications etc.

- I am trying to figure out what she finds difficult from an emotional and energy perspective. I outsource this. She needs to focus on getting through the therapy.

- I didn’t read all the comments, but it’s very true that outsiders often don’t know what to do but want to help. Make a list of things that need to happen and share it with them.

I wish you and your mother lots of strength.