Ask HN: How do you practice social soft skills in real life?

1. Adopt a mind script that every conversation you have will be brilliant experience for you. You can say this to yourself before you even begin talking to anyone.

2. Once you've done the hardest part (said anything, even 'hi') take a moment to think about what you did well and how you can celebrate yourself.

3. The emotions you inject into the conversation (tip: smile as you speak) sets the expectation for others to follow. If you're enjoying yourself, others will do...but it sometimes takes them a little while to warm up.

4. It's easy to mistake a lukewarm/ muted response for rejection. Most of the time it is NOT. The other person is just trying to work out who you are and what you want. During this time, smile, stay upbeat. They'll come round.

5. Avoid asking questions, which is everyone's polite 'go to'. Instead, make statements. It takes more effort but it helps express yourself. "You look fun!" "That looks interesting!" will inject more emotion than asking a question. (Hint: when statements become easy you can ask questions again).

6. What on earth do you talk about? Yourself. You need to maintain a conversation to get it going (and the other person on board). Rather than say "that drink looks yum" say "i'm thirsty...and choosing is difficult for me because I'm a software engineer...but that drink looks yum". This helps you share a little more about you and explains why you're making a statement in the first place.

7. Have a genuine reason to actually talk to people. What's the best reason? Curiosity. Even if you're bored and lonely, say that. "Hi! I'm bored eating my lunch by myself so I thought i'd come say hi for a moment"

Source: I run this site/ youtube www.yourcharismacoach.com

Succinctly: you can have sensible default reactions so your brain isn't spinning and the reaction is smooth (think cache). You can take advantage of low stakes contexts to train, as opposed to trying things in a professional context where the price may be hefty(think sandbox). Empathy: seeing a situation from the perspectives of all people involved is extremely useful, effective, and profitable.

Details and rationale:

There are a lot of common situations. These are situations that either have a high probability of happening in a context, or happen frequently. Note I didn't say XOR.

For example, someone complimenting you. A default reaction would be to smile, and say "thank you". Making eye contact with someone: smile and say Hi/Good morning.

This will take the load off of your head. Most people I've seen who describe situations they reacted inappropriately in simply don't have a repertoire or haven't been around the block. Many people get "weird", in their own words, during some of the most banal reactions.

Sandbox: practice on the streets. Buying coffee or groceries. Being tactful and smooth takes practice, and witnessing instances of handling situations. Leveraging everyday situations to learn more about people and expanding your comfort zone. For some people, holding a five minute conversation is daunting. They can practice as they go about their business. The pressure to do that in the workplace can be unbearable, and inappropriate behavior may be a consequence of that. Low pressure situ, low stakes.

The empathy part: the ability to predict how a situation or event will be lived/interpreted/felt by different people is, again, extremely useful. In a professional context for example, running a decision to be made against different world corresponding to people will often lead to a pause and figuring out it ought to be changed because X or Y. In meetings with clients, it allows to have a loop running where you interpret what something means for one member or department of the client organization, and how it'll play with other departments.

Again, this is extremely useful.

Also, as an aside for professional contexts and useful things to do/learn: the moments before, but mostly after a meeting is over where you chat up the people who were there are the most valuable. You rally learn things and information that couldn't/wouldn't be shared because of inhibition or other factors. People will share fears, apprehend, resentment sometimes, enthusiasm with you.

It works for anyone who is honest and considerate of others.

I hear you, but I will persist in the point I was trying to make. Laughing takes warmup. You might hear an excellent joke and not even snicker at it, but given the proper mindset where you're attentive to the setup, the expectation, and you're just caught off guard, it's so nice to be able to enjoy that moment. It's easily missed.