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Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

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Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#21

Post by bmj »

I have two kids, aged 7 and (nearly) 5. Yes, it absolutely changes your life. The degree to which it does, however, is up to you.

My wife and I waited 'til we were both 30 to have kids (we had been married since we were 24). Because we waited, we decided that we'd go all in when we did have kids--one of us would be at home with the kids, and likely homeschool (which we are doing). We made the commitment to change our lives in order to be parents. We weren't going to shoehorn kids into our lifestyle.

Additionally, be ready to sacrifice your time for your partner/spouse's sake, especially during infancy. Both parents need some time away, particularly if one is at home with the child. Early on, I considered my time at work my "free time," and was willing to give up trips to the climbing gym in the evenings so that my wife could get out of the house. As I said, this is only temporary, and as your kids get older, it's easier to share what you love with them (that's why we've never stopped climbing since we had kids--we can easily do it together, and the many road trips have provided lots of bonding experiences).

Another thing I've come to realize is that raising your children really is a way to make a positive contribution to the world. The work you do as a parent is profoundly important, more so than any hacking project or start-up. You will have time for your own big ideas again, so don't waste the opportunity you have with your kids.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#22

Post by spanx »

I have a 4 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. It's an amazing experience bringing children in to the world and raising them to be decent, loving, energetic, passionate, all that stuff. And I totally agree with bmj when he said raising children should make a positive contribution to the world; my wife and I are completely dedicated to ensuring our kids question, learn, play and enjoy life to the max.

And I'm also a CTO at a new venture, with all the pain and hard work that involves. And it is hard with kids, keeping the balance, etc. However, it is that balance that keeps me sane, the kids bring joy when the job sucks, and vice versa.

I bloody love being a parent.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#23

Post by mreid »

leftnode wrote: post #13

I have a little boy who just turned 7 months old yesterday. I spent a good part of the night in the emergency room because he had uncontrolled vomiting. It's definitely a trip, but I love it. Starting a business around it is hard. I applied to YC, but I'm fairly confident I won't get in because I can't live in California for 3 months. Contrary to what some other people on here have said, I've actually found more time…

> Having a little boy motivates me much more than not having one. I want to build a successful company that makes me independently wealthy so at some point, I can spend my time with him and the rest of my family.

That's an admirable goal but don't sacrifice too much of your time with the family now chasing after the dream of time with your family later.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#25

Post by phillytom »

DirtyAndy wrote: post #14
albahk wrote: post #9

I have a 4.5 month old daughter and my life has changed in the following ways: - every day is much more structured around the baby. Get home from work, feed her, put her to bed at 8:30pm, she wakes up at 6am, feed her, go to work, etc. -Its like being on-call 24-7 so expect very few opportunities to get in the "flow state" when working on your app/startup. - I have a full-time job (not related to software) and in the…

I've got a 4 year old and a 6 year old. All valid things you raise here, and they certainly still apply with mine at their current age. A positive though, that may not apply to everyone, but certainly applied to me: They make you grow up Suddenly there are other people that really depend upon you. Whilst finding the time to get a startup running is harder, I think the motivation to succeed is stronger than it was whe…

My kids are the same age and I agree completely. At some point after my kids were born I found that the change in responsibility made many other areas of my life simpler.

Once I began to understand how I could fully commit myself to my children and what it means to have kids that fully depend on you, many other things became easier to prioritize and commit to, or reject. It was easier for me to focus at work and realize that I need to make that time valuable, it was easier to exercise and eat right, it was easier to say to no to people and drop activities that were not core to what I was doing. Maybe clarity around priorities is what changed the most for me.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#26

Post by c4urself »

mreid wrote: post #23
leftnode wrote: post #13

I have a little boy who just turned 7 months old yesterday. I spent a good part of the night in the emergency room because he had uncontrolled vomiting. It's definitely a trip, but I love it. Starting a business around it is hard. I applied to YC, but I'm fairly confident I won't get in because I can't live in California for 3 months. Contrary to what some other people on here have said, I've actually found more time…

> Having a little boy motivates me much more than not having one. I want to build a successful company that makes me independently wealthy so at some point, I can spend my time with him and the rest of my family. That's an admirable goal but don't sacrifice too much of your time with the family now chasing after the dream of time with your family later.

completely agree; they only grow up once.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#27

Post by sclopit »

one thing I don't see mentioned so far is that children give you some perspective on leadership.

this means:

1) learning how to communicate values (as opposed to rules) 2) learning how to steer them away from paths that are not opportunities for growth and into those that are.

these are both things that any development team could use

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#28

Post by RyanMcGreal »

There's a two- or three-week period, usually around the six month mark, when your baby can sit up unaided but can't yet crawl. During this time, you can put the baby down on an activity blanket (supervised, obviously) and enjoy maybe five or ten minute contiguous stretches of uninterrupted time to do stuff.

Note: activities like preparing a meal and straightening up the place tend to take priority over developing a startup.

A few suggestions to help make things easier for you:

* "Attachment parenting" early on pays off hugely in more independent, more emotionally secure children later. Invest in a Trekker [1], Snugli [2] or other baby harness that lets you carry the baby facing inwards or outwards and frees up your arms to do other stuff.

* Seriously consider having the baby sleep in your bed with you, especially if you/your spouse are breastfeeding.

* Seriously consider breastfeeding. Once established (usually takes a few weeks to get really comfortable with it), it's so much healthier, easier and more convenient than bottle feeding that I can't understand why anyone who has the option wouldn't take it. (Disclosure: I'm male, but my spouse agrees 100%.)

* Accept and embrace the fact that from now on, all your plans are contingent. Learn to build big buffers around all your scheduled activities. Get in the habit of keeping a utility bag with you at all times.

* Don't waste your money on a change table. You will change that baby's diaper wherever you need to do it. (We've changed our baby's diaper in the trunk of our car.)

* Don't forget that you and your spouse had reasons to be together before the baby was born. As soon as the baby is old enough, get back into the habit of going on dates and otherwise spending time together. Don't miss opportunities to let your spouse know how much you cherish them. A little act of kindness at a crucial moment can radically transform your family dynamics for the better.

I'm sure I'll think of more, but that seems to be a good place to start. As always in anything to do with children, YMMV.

[1] http://www.babytrekker.com/

[2] http://www.evenflo.com/category.aspx?id=23

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#29

Post by lordmatty »

I have a six week old daughter and am running an iPhone dev Agency in London (Future Workshops - 5 employees).

Having a daughter is an amazing experience. Its hard work, but your heart melts at the smallest things. Its true when people say that it changes the way you are for ever.

On the flip side, I found work difficult after the birth. I could operate on a small amount of sleep before, but after my daughter was born the lack of sleep was relentless - kinda like going out on the town every night for two weeks and then having to work a full day.

Our clients have been amazing - heartfelt congratulations and baby clothes in the post, but (rightly so) they still expect project delivery.

I feel that I'm out the other side now - I've trimmed my social commitments and delegated in the right places to my employees, who have stepped up to the task. I've got a good understanding in place with my partner about my time also.

If you are going to have kids and run your own business make sure you plan for reduced sleep and vastly reduced effectiveness after the birth. Things will get back on an even keel quickly enough if you do!

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#30

Post by lordmatty »

RyanMcGreal wrote: post #28

There's a two- or three-week period, usually around the six month mark, when your baby can sit up unaided but can't yet crawl. During this time, you can put the baby down on an activity blanket (supervised, obviously) and enjoy maybe five or ten minute contiguous stretches of uninterrupted time to do stuff. Note: activities like preparing a meal and straightening up the place tend to take priority over developing a s…

* Seriously consider having the baby sleep in your bed with you, especially if you/your spouse are breastfeeding.

In my experience this leads to drastically less sleep. You disturb your baby and your baby disturbs you. We put the baby in another room and invested in a baby alarm.

* Seriously consider breastfeeding.

Yes, but don't pressure yourself too much...the most important thing is that the baby eats properly. Bottle feeding gives you the critical advantage of being able to measure how much the baby eats.

* Don't waste your money on a change table.

I would say invest! After a week or so of leaning over to change our baby it really affected me sitting at the computer to code. Bad back means bad news for your startup.

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