Ask HN: Is being an introvert okay?

> Being an introvert has nothing to do with having bad social skills, mate.

Well, they aren't the same thing but they're definitely related.

I think the title question isn't very good. It's a sort of leading question. Why, of course it's OK to be an introvert. By any reasonable definition a large part of the world's population are introverts, and introversion itself isn't a mental disorder.

So most people (especially on HN) will say that's OK to be an introvert, but the more interesting question is how good are your social skills and how they affect your life. I think there are two interpretations for the post:

A) I have such and such issues, and maybe I'd be happier if I changed this. I assume there are people who have been in a similar situation, please advice. Examples of this kind of issues:

"I have anxiety when speaking in front of a large group of people."

"I haven't had a serious relationship for the past year."

"I wish I could be more assertive."

"I wish I could do better in parties / I wish I had more friends."

You probably don't need a therapist to solve these.

B) I have such and such issues, do they indicate psychological problems? Should I consult a therapist? Examples:

"I have anxiety when talking to people in general/I can't talk to strangers even when it's expected (asking for information, having a job interview, etc)."

"I've never had a girlfriend / I have problems talking to women."

"I have low self-esteem / I'm not assertive at all and people take advantage of me."

"I don't have any friends".

For these you'd probably need to see a therapist.

If you're introverted, you NEED time alone. It's how your body, mind, and soul replenish themselves. It can feel like a hindrance sometimes, but it's how you're wired. The good news is that it's not inherently an obstacle to a fulfilling social life.

My advice is to determine how much "me time" you need every day. Give it to yourself, but be careful not to succumb to any anti-social tendencies. The fact is, people are important, and good social skills will serve you as well as, if not better, than good hacking skills. (For one thing, the more people you know, the more opportunities come your way.)

I think the main problem introverts have is we have trouble "just hangin'". This is because it's physically draining to just idly fritter the day away with others. Unfortunately, that's where a lot of social bonding comes from. The way I've gotten around this is to limit my time in group settings -- but when I'm with people, I make sure I'm "on". A party, a dinner, a night out, a meeting, whatever. As long as I've had time alone to charge up, I'm good to go.

Some other posters have mentioned public speaking. I've noticed that introverts are often GREAT performers. I know this is true for myself. Public speaking, acting, music, introverts seem to really come alive on stage. I think the reason is twofold.

For one, we're already pretty comfortable inside our own skins, and for another, it's an outlet to express whatever it is we need to express without the draining meandering of ordinary dialogue. If you're having trouble branching out you might try an acting class. I've found these to be awesomely rewarding.

After many years I've come to think of my introversion as a glorified speech impediment. If you let it get in the way, it will, but if you put a little effort into it, it's something people won't even notice after a while.

And oh yeah, on campus you'll likely come across some "cool loner" types from time to time. Most likely they'll be on a motorcycle. These, my friend, are introverts. Careful observation of how they navigate social situations could prove valuable.

As much as you may enjoy your alone time, you must realize that getting to know people is more important in the long run than being comfortable now.

This is especially true in the startup world where knowing the right people and having smart people on your team is arguably just as essential to your success as all those late nights hard at work you may put in.

The only way you get to meet these "right" people, is to meet A LOT of people, and that means pushing outside of your comfort zone.

You'd be surprised how many of us really are introverts. I talk about this subject with successful people quite often at conferences like TED, because it's so difficult and painful for me to be social even for a few hours a day at these events.

Almost everyone says the same thing, "Oh no. I'm an introvert. This is exhausting to me. I can't wait to get back to my room. But I can keep it up for a couple necessary hours."

A lot of people that seem so "on", that seem like extroverts, are actually just faking it for a short burst. Even a lot of big-name music stars are actually painfully shy when off stage. Sometimes it's the reason they want to be on stage: because they don't know how to mingle in the crowd.

So don't feel bad. Embrace it. Don't waste time with shallow socializing. Just keep working and improving.

Then when you find that rare kindred you really connect with, have deeper friendships with them, since you're not diluting your time with the shallow chatter.

Don't allow the fact that you're an introvert to be an excuse. e.g. "I'm an introvert, so it's OK for me to no talk to these people." With that being said, I believe it's OK. However, let's consider what being introverted really means. It just means that you find it more difficult to talk/relate/network with others. Some of the most outgoing people I know are really introverted - you would never know.

A few tips: 1) Always smile. 2) Don't develop preconceived notions that prevent you from building relationships. 3) Force yourself to talk with others. 4) Avoid making negative comments. Try to be enthusiastic.

If you practice this religiously, people will never know that you're introverted. I know, because this is me - no one in my social circles would ever believe me if I told them that I thought I was naturally introverted.