Ask HN: Everybody lies. How do you deal with it though?

The question is really what magnitude of lying are you talking about?

The way I think about it is something like this: what ethical obligation do you have to be truthful? I usually assume that the obligation is to be truthful, but recognize there are some scenarios where the situation or other person's request of information from you is unethical, and so in those situation I feel under no obligation to reciprocate.

My in-laws, for example, routinely inquire about my spouse and me in ways that are inappropriate and cross boundaries. To me, we should not be in the position of having to refuse to give that information; I have tried, but they ignore that, and escalate things. So now I lie, and feel no guilt because to me they violated basic social contract to begin with.

That's an extreme example, but I think it extends to other more mild situations as well. I think there's some situations where the likely consequence of telling the truth or refusing to give that information is unfair or unreasonable, so I see lying as ethical.

I guess I see the assumption that you should always tell the truth as being based on an assumption, in turn, that the elicitation of information itself is being done in good faith. I don't see that assumption as necessarily true.

Some cultures have a greater degree of bluntness. This society makes great use of lies to smooth over social transactions and it's something that can seem alien depending on where you came from. Social lies and soft lies can be difficult to work with early on in life because lies will make you question your assessment of reality and the severity of situations that could affect you adversely. The fact that everyone peddles the same sorts of lies in this culture doesn't make things any easier.

In this society, I think the correct approach is to trust the judgment nature put in you instinctively to sort out the truth from fiction. Moreover, if lies are a sort of social currency, then there's no reason you can't be a fiction monger yourself -- especially if you think the consequences of such lies will be a wash in the grand scheme of things. (In particular, you have to balance soft lies with your sense of what you consider ethical behavior.) In particular, I think you have to be more selective about who you actually owe the truth to rather than commit to framing yourself as a liar.