Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

191–200 of 767 posts

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#191

Post by kabanossen »

You have a wonderful life ahead of you. 43 is nothing and you can have all the things you long for.

So I've ripped what people in the thread has written and compiled for you, like an action list. Hope it helps.

- CONTACT A THERAPIST to find out if you have a depression or some other mental illness. Illnesses are things you can get help to deal with.

- MEDITATION! Preferably do it in the morning but works any time of the day (when it fits your day) I like this one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwQkfoKxRvo

If it's too dopey for you try this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inpok4MKVLM

or this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZToicYcHIOU

Repetition is what makes meditation work, you'll be more present, more aware of the world you're in with less disturbing thoughts and feelings.

- CHANGE TO A POSITIVE OUTLOOK OF YOUR LIFE. Your problem is your framing of where you are in life. Visualize building your ideal life and repeat the visualization every day. I googled "visualizing a better life" and got these, you can probably do better

https://www.happierhuman.com/visualization-techniques/

https://jamesnussbaumer.com/visualize-a-better-life/

https://taminglife.com/improve-life-goal-visualization/

- BROWSE THROUGH THESE MOTIVATIONAL IMAGES at breakfast and before bed, take notice when something applies to your life. Repetition is key, do this every day (and if you miss a day it's no biggie, just do it again)

https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1yTrJkmUUFAzlhuQ5ZzyG...

- AVOID NEWS if you can, it feeds your mind with fear, angst and anxiety

- JOIN A SOCIAL GROUP (music, art, volunteering, courses, church, craft...)

- YOUR LOOKS CAN HELP YOU - change your haircut and clothes to imitate your image of a happy and successful person

- VISUALIZE THE HOME YOU'D LIKE TO LIVE IN, repeat regularly.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#192

Post by timwaagh »

kemiller2002 wrote: post #4

You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just that you can't improve your life until you change your outlook on things. You won't be able to move forward on things until you confront your feelings and accept your position to move out of it. To answer your question, yes. My 30's were a mess with a divorce,…

I'm sorry but how is this helpful? Even if you're actively employed that's a tough cost-benefit decision.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#193

Post by seanw444 »

nonethewiser wrote: post #66
fnord123 wrote: post #21

This is above HN's paygrade. International Suicide Crisis Hotline directory: https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines If you are posting this kind of message on HN then you're at a point that you can call for a 1-1 chat. There are people who can listen. Don't rely on social media to do this.

This comes off more as condescending than helpful.

I've never understood this. If I was suicidal, being given the suicide hotline number as a response would just tick me off.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#194

Post by psych_today »

jvanderbot wrote: post #141
9wzYQbTYsAIc wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are in the United States, the following is a good resource: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists Also, read through https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/therapy/how-find-t...

I have found this to be a good, if somewhat unreliable way to find therapists. But it definitely is a real resource that shouldn't be sandbagged with downvotes.

Just to add to the other comments: this is how I found my therapist after other sources failed. Everyone was too busy for a new patient, but I reached out to several from here and one of them said he had an opening for 40 minutes bi-weekly, starting at the end of the month. It was better than nothing (I’m serious, it was a huge boon!) so I took it.

I immediately told him I wanted more time, and within a couple of weeks, he had other openings in his calendar and we established a cadence that works much better for me.

All this to say that, psychology today is a legit resource that works, and just getting your foot in the door with any therapist is the most important thing you can do to get treatment. It’s not easy, but it can be done, and for me it has been worth it.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#195

Post by isthisthingon99 »

ogou wrote: post #117

Yes. I turned my life around at 43. Single, obsolete tech skills, lots of debt, personal issues. Began with taking a genuine inventory of my life and how I function, not just how I felt. I picked a constructive and structured approach to that, which looked a lot like CBT therapy but was something else. It was a life reset, clearing out all the baggage. It was very difficult but incremental and genuine over time. Afte…

This is the way. Congrats bud.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#196

Post by hospadar »

PaulRobinson wrote: post #115
mradek wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How do u find a therapist? I’m a bit weary to discuss super personal things with someone I don’t know even if they’re a professional. How can I find someone I trust and is actually good? Not like the movies where the clock is up and ok next issue. My work offers a mental health service but I’ve looked at their TOS and no thanks. Sometimes I feel like just suspending the world background process and being still would…

Try a few. Go see one, make it clear you’re looking around. If it isn’t working, say so and move on. They’re professionals, they get it. You do have to be prepared to be vulnerable to some extent, but if they’re any good they’ll earn trust and develop a working relationship with you that is comfortable. Source: multiple years of therapy. Definitely worth the effort and the cost.

Absolutely, and I'll add that if you don't like the therapist, keep looking. The quality of the relationship between you and the therapist has A LOT (the most?) to do with what you'll ultimately get out of it.

I remember it being really hard to know what I wanted from therapy the first time I did it which made choosing a therapist feel pretty overwhelming. Had to drop the first therapist I saw after a couple sessions because it wasn't for me (and a good therapist will tell you "you might want to seek out another therapist").

If you really want to, you can read about the different therapy methodologies that therapists commonly use, but as a first-timer I found that to be pretty overwhelming and just reading the therapists' descriptions of the kind of work they do and clients they typically work with ultimately more helpful in choosing someone I could work well with.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#197

Post by Riverheart »

"Don’t cast your gaze down. When your eyes are clouded, your soul darkens. That means your future is closed to you, and you lose sight of your reasons to live"

The more doors you close the harder it'll be to motivate yourself. Many single mothers taking care of kids who need fathers.

Also, you don't need to love yourself to love others. Some will say to fix yourself before you pursue a relationship but maybe being in one will motivate you because you'll have something to preserve.

Finally, be compassionate to the parts of yourself that are hurting right now.

Karen Faith - How to talk to the worst parts of yourself https://youtu.be/gUV5DJb6KGs

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#198

Post by protolynne »

Hello friend, As a 40 year young woman, I went through very similar challenges and am still working through creating the motivation to move forward. I did get help from a therapist and have begun the process of reparenting myself, allowing for my inner child to be respected and have a voice. I would often jump into commmitments with work, school, relationship that were not right for me. Now, I am taking my time step by step to ensure the decisions I make are based on my desires and needs to avoid previous circumstances. At 40, I too wonder if I will be able to achieve the goals for a fullfilling relatiinship and family. There are a lot of us out here, thinking we are alone in this but we are very similar. I found a therapist I could talk to and this really helped me forge trust over time. If the therapist is not the right fit, try another. It's like finding a mechanic or dentist you trust so it's possible & important. Maybe the parts of your psyche that want to die, need to do just that but the whole of you can keep living. After my dear grandmother/ best friend, died a death with great suffering - it destroyed me. It has taken 5 years just to crawl out of that hole and begin to recover. Ppl don't recognize the value, courage and strain it takes to be there for the ones we love in their passing. This is one of the most benevolent acts a human can bestow upon another - honoring the sacred and brutal process of dying. Yes, an online or virtual therapist may be the only option for you but it can be effective. I have a dog who saved my heart. Forcing me to walk him every day gave me reason to get out of bed. My dog showed me every day that joy can be found in the little things like taking the exact same walk, every day but with new eyes. Walking every day helped to energetically boost and release toxins/ mindset. Given you hope to leave Germany, getting a dog would not be humane because you cannot commit to the long term. I did, however, used to dogwalk as a volunteer in a local shelter and this was very rewarding as those poor animals are stuck inside until someone like you comes along to brighten their day.

Sending love your way as I know it's not easy. Like my granny used to say, "You're not old till your 87". She lived to 97 and walked every day. I miss her dearly but know she want me to live my best life so I continue to push forward in recovery. I recognize that sometimes emotional, psychological and spiritual death are a necessary part of transformation and rebirth. Like fire for the forest. From the ashes, you can rise

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#199

Post by vietvu »

I am 30, for the last 15 years I have always been thinking: What the hell do I suppose to do when I am in age of 45-50?

I will be old at by that time, not healthy, not smart and competent as I was in 20s. Obviously would be replaced by younger generations.

And I will have a couple of kids too. I will raise them, work, earn money. All of my time will be devote to that. My days will likely pass meaninglessly.

And in a couple of years I will be in retirement. And what do I suppose to do at the that time?

The future sounds boring and scary as hell.

I still think the same, and sometime thinking about it and it make me cannot fall asleep for about one hour. I don't want to live like that. However how do I want to live? I cannot answer it, I don't know.

Re: Ask HN: Has anyone here turned around their life in their 40s?

#200

Post by francisofascii »

You can turn this around. Start out with the big goals, "wife, house, kids", and work your way down to the more immediate goals, and then start with very simple goals which eventually lead you to your bigger goals. Write it all down. Start with very small, easy wins. Get a shower, get a haircut, a decent outfit to wear, creating a simple PowerBI dashboard, start a resume, apply to a job. You will start feeling good after your start make progress, even small progress.
Post reply on HN